Perfect Memory
by rebanana
Summary: What lead to Addison sleeping with Mark? Why didn't Addison and Derek ever have children? Addisons sister knows all and she might just let something slip to the interns of Seattle Grace Hospital.After Addison and Derek's divorce memories from before.
1. Part 1

**Explaining myself a little: I'm sure you guys are all a little skeptical, because when reading the info you see that Addison has a younger sister... Blah blah blah... A lot of people are a bit apprehensive when new characters are introduced to a beloved show. I know I am. The reason I decided to create a character was because I needed an element of unknowing, but also someone who was connected to Addison and Derek (because this is a story about Addison and Derek's life before Meredith/Seattle Grace/Addison sleeping with Mark, but also after through the eyes of someone who is conflicted... Because her best friends are Addison and Derek) So this new character knows only what Addison has told her, some of what Derek has written her, and she's about to become a newbie in the hospital (so we'll see how the other interns and Bailey treat her)... Also I wanted this story to be Addison-Centric, but I didn't want to write from Addison's P.O.V just yet, because I thought it would be hard to keep her character.**

**Note: This story also will later explain what essentially caused the distance of Addison and Derek's marriage (leading up to Mark) and why Addison and Derek never had children... (that always confused me... because they seem a lot like kid people)**

**deep breath so without further ado...**

"We're preparing for landing in Seattle, Washington. Please fasten your seatbelts as we begin to descend." The captain's robotic voice wakes me from my not-so-deep sleep. I look at the old man who's sitting next to me, he's been sleeping the entire six-hour trip, and I'm beginning to wonder if he's dead. It's really a good thing I'm a surgeon, or at least going to be one. I try to ever so artfully poke him, but he doesn't move. I'm seriously beginning to get a little worried. I poke him again. No response. Finally a shove does the trick, and he stirs in his sleep.

I look out the tiny window at Seattle. The clouds are beginning to dissipate, and all I can see for miles is the tops of green trees. It's going to be hard to adjust to the lack of fall colors in Seattle. I sigh a little louder than I had anticipated, earning me a worried stare from what seems like a very paranoid man. "You okay?" He whispers loudly over the sleeping old guy.

"Fine." I say, putting on my fakest smile. As if it's any of his business.

"So what are you up to in Seattle?" He asks again, attempting to run a hand through his non-existent hair.

I give him an odd look, hoping he'll get a clue. "I actually have a job lined up there."

"Really?" He obviously isn't aware that I've given him a cue to shut the hell up. "Where?"

"Seattle Grace Hospital."

He smiles, as if he knows all about it. "As a nurse?"

This really pisses me off. A nurse? Baldy is lucky I'm a nice girl; otherwise I would seriously shut him up. Plus he's a little bit creepy. "As a surgeon."

I am filled with pride as his eyebrows rise in surprise. "Really? You look so young."

"I'm actually a surgical intern." I say, and turn towards the window.

"Impressive."

I take a deep breath and do not turn around. "Hey, you should be a little quieter, this man next to me is trying to sleep."

Of course the faux-dead guy chooses this moment to wake up. "No, darling it's not bothering me." Dead guy says in a creaky voice. I try not to listen to bald guy or dead guy as they befriend eachother in a span of two minutes. Serves them.

I try to think about seeing Addison. It's been such a long time, and I've really missed her. I don't want to think about what a hard time she's been having with the divorce. Nor do I want to think about how Derek is. My sister and her husband, my two best friends, divorced. It really blows. I look out the window as the landing strip gets closer and closer. My heart beats faster the closer we get.

I wonder what it will be like working under Addie and Derek. I wonder what everything will be like. I hate the feeling. It's like a huge question mark is all I can see in the future, like a timeline that just comes to an abrupt stop. It's scary. And not that Addison isn't supportive, because she is. God knows I couldn't have survived through my teen years without her, sometimes literally. It's just, Addie can be so precise, so perfect, and I can be so… All over the place.

The plane lands with a bump, and I squeeze my eyes shut. When I open them, the passengers are all filing out of the plane. I give Baldy and Dead an awkward smile, before getting off myself.

I take a deep breath before stepping into the tunnel that connects the plane to the airport. Seattle. I'm in Seattle. Far cry from what I know and love, New York, Boston, and Bolivia. I was never a West-loving chick.

The airport is large, the neon lights glaring everywhere. I could definitely do without the neon lights. My legs wobble a little, and it takes fifteen minutes to find the luggage station, and practically an hour to successfully get my luggage.

I look at the guest waiting area, trying to spot that familiar head of crimson hair. My heart starts beating yet again, when I don't see her. If I don't stop soon, I'm going to give myself a coronary.

"Rachelle!" I turn around, and of course bump into Addie. Addie gives me her trademark smile, and pulls me into a giant hug. Her 5'10 towers over my 5'7. "I was getting worried. You could've called." She says, but she smiles into the top of my head.

I feel the involuntary eye roll on my part. "Hello, Addison. I've missed you too." She looks at me and pulls me into another hug. "You look great." She says, code for 'you've lost so much weight!'

"Well I could exactly stuff my face in front of the starving orphans in Bolivia, if you know what I mean."

She rolls her eyes, looking somehow natural decked out in Prada, while hoisting my olive green backpack. She smiles and looks at me again. Addie looks older, not ugly older, but a little more sad than she usually does. Then again she usually hides sadness with makeup, not something I approve of. Her hair is straighter, I'd definitely forgotten how tall she is, not to mention how unnaturally beautiful she is. "I missed you." She says, with a little more emotion than I knew she intended.

"Me too. I mean, the phone… It's good, but it's not good enough."

Addison hoists my luggage a little higher on her shoulder, "God, it's been two years." She looks like she wants to hug me again, but sees a bus boy and motions for him to help us with the luggage. He looks more than pleased to oblige, and even more pleased when Addison hands him a wad of money.

She puts her arm around me, and we walk in a slightly clumsy way to Addison's sleek black car, Addison never letting go of my shoulder. The bus boy spends the whole time looking at her. He only stops once to complain about the weight of the bag containing all my art supplies, before shoving it all into the car. Addison gives him her devil smile before sending him off on his merry way. She laughs when he's gone.

We get in the car and she looks at me again. It's really starting to bug me. "Stop looking at me, Addie! You'd think I'd get a break between the awkward plane passengers and you, but no…"

"You just look great." I shrug, and look out the window. "You're lucky it didn't rain." She says, somewhat bitterly. "It always rains in Seattle."

"So I've heard."

We're both tired so we make small talk all the way home. I want to tell her all about Bolivia, even though she knows most of it from the numerous bi-continental phone calls, but I can't bring myself to open my mouth. I want to ask her about Derek and how she's feeling, but she's looking so stony as she stops the car. I look up and see a huge sign for a luxury hotel. "Great Addison! I fly to Seattle and you dump me at a hotel."

She sighs and looks at me. "This is where I've been living."

I instantly feel worry creep into my veins. "No kidding?"

"I'm trying to find us an apartment. It's just, with the divorce…"

There, she said it. Divorce. A normal person wouldn't see the pain written all over Addie's face, but having known her for all my life… I immediately catch it.

"Addison."

"We'll talk about it later." She says slowly.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

We walk up to the room without a word, yet another bellboy trailing behind us. The hallways in the hotel are nice, dimly lit, with rich red carpeting. We stop at a door marked 222, and Addison takes out her card key. With one swipe, the door opens, revealing a pretty beige room with large curtains, bright red lamps, and a spacious bed. "Here you are, Ms. Montgomery." The bellboy comes back from a conjoined room, where he left my luggage. He accepts his tip, and tiptoes out of the room.

"Where's mine?" I ask, eyeing a creamy bedspread.

"Over there." She leads me to the conjoining room, which looks exactly the same, but lacks a television.

"Oh, so you get the TV. I get it."

"Easy. We'll share. You're lucky I cared enough to change rooms, otherwise you and I would be sleeping in the same bed." She sits down on my bed, and pats the area beside her. I flop down, sinking into the silky bedspread. "I missed you." She says, for the thirtieth time today.

"You just needed some company." This time I hug her.

We sit there hugging for what seems like hours, and then Addie gets up. "Big day for you tomorrow. You should get some sleep."

"Yeah. I guess, but we didn't talk."

"We have work tomorrow."

"Exactly, it's my first day, and I don't know what to expect."

"Rach, I told you everything over the phone. I'm just looking out for you. You are jet-lagged." She enters her room, and starts changing into her robe.

I hoist up my suitcase and pull out a pair of pajama pants, and an old 'I love New York' T-shirt. Addison saunters back into my room clad in a black bra and pajama pants. "I remember that shirt." She smiles at the memory. Addison got it for me when we first moved to New York. It was our day; we were free. We could do anything we wanted. The first thing we did was buy matching 'I love New York' T-shirts. After that, some random hobo on the street whistled at Addison. I got shit on by a pigeon. Addison laughed at me. We did so many things that day; that I can't remember all of them, but I do remember it was the day I decided Addison was my best friend. "I can't believe that still fits you. You were what, eleven when you got it?"

"Its one size fits all, thank you very much. Yours should still fit you. You were eighteen. I'm guessing you didn't keep it?"

She shrugs, "It probably got all mixed up with my stuff in the move."

We go back to getting ready for bed. It's odd to be living with Addie again, especially considering that the last time I lived with her, Derek was also there. I really miss Derek. I'm almost nervous seeing him tomorrow. We kept in touch with postcards while I was in Bolivia, but I haven't heard his voice in so long.

I don't close the door that connects our rooms. I fall into bed, pulling the covers up over my head. I can just see Addison's head peaking out over her comforter. She looks at me, and smiles. "Sweet dreams," She says, before removing her reading glasses, and flipping off the light.


	2. Part 2

Note: I'm glad you guys really like the story so far and Rach. Just wanted to tell you that this little thing is somewhere in third season, but it's not going to exactly follow the episodes now. In this, George's father never had heart problems, George does not know about Burke's hand problem… etc, etc… (Meredith has slept with Derek at this point…)

**Happy reading!**

The alarm rings at five am. It's unbelievably dark out. I hear Addie moaning in the other room, and dragging herself out of bed. I shut my eyes and savor the comfort of my warm bed, as I know in about a second Addison's going to be shaking me awake. I hear her swear as she trips over something.

"You okay?" I ask groggily.

"Yeah, fine. Get up."

I open my eye and squeeze it shut again, the light of the room blinding me. "No"

"You were never good at getting up. Back in the day I had to come up with some pretty creative ways to get you out of bed." She pauses, in thought. "If you don't get up right now, the perfume is coming out." I sit up quickly as I remember the time when I awoke to Addison and Derek laughing maniacally as they doused me with eau de toilette.

The room is a little blurry, and it seems to shake as I take off my New York shirt, and pull a purple long-sleeved one on. I rush to the bathroom in a clumsy flurry and nearly trip over Addison whose brushing her teeth.

"I hate work." I say, looking at myself in the mirror. My dark hair is messy—as usual.

"Hof cafh oo haht woffk already?" She asks as she spits into the sink, and gives her hair a good brush down.

I shrug and brush my teeth, watching Addison apply her makeup. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and put only a layer of eyeliner on. I look at Addison. She looks perfect. "Gorgeous," I tell her, patting her on the back.

"Thanks. I'm not going to have breakfast today, but you're welcome to it."

I shrug, I'm used to skipping breakfast. Addison runs into her room and slings a black leather bag over her shoulder. She looks fashionable as always. "Is your shoe closet as insane here as it is in New York?"

She laughs, "Guess."

I roll my eyes as we walk out the door, "Girl you really need to get that fetish under control." We take the elevator downstairs.

"Are you nervous?" She asks, as the elevator opens.

"Me, nervous? No… More like, about to shit myself."

"You'll do fine."

"How do you know? According to you my resident is referred to as the nazi, the interns are snot nosed ass holes, and—

"Not all of them are."

"Well whatever, because I'm going to screw up every OR."

Addison shakes her head, "Rachelle, you're not. You are an amazing surgeon. After all you are my sister."

"Oh, and yeah! I have to live up to you in every way possible. Thanks for reminding me!"

Addison starts the car. "You should live up to yourself."

The hospital is big. Very big, and very nice. There are actual glass windows. Nothing like in Bolivia at the clinic. There's even a bridge-type thingy where various doctors are whizzing by, as if on a freeway.

"Alright," Addie tells me. She points to a door. "Through that door down the stairs to the left is the locker-room. Go there and change into your scrubs. Miranda Bailey will be down there, and will talk to you. Do not suck up to Bailey, but be respectful. I will see you in the cafeteria, unless I have a pressing surgery." She sees the terrified expression on my face. "Don't worry. You are amazing. I am not lying; I've known you all my life. If you need me, page me, but only if you really need me. Good luck, Rach." She kisses me on my cheek, looks at me one more time, and walks away. She turns back once to say, "You'll do fine." And then she's gone. And now I'm alone.

I try to remember how I used to deal with stress, but nothing comes to mind. The stairs are dark. I take one more deep breath before opening the door to the locker room. I hear the various buzzing of the interns. I catch the words 'Addison' and 'sister'. I am not ready. A short black woman stands in front of several people, commanding attention. She sees me enter the room. It's too late; I can't leave now.

"You Rachelle Montgomery?" She barks.

"Yes. Yes I am." I say in a slightly high pitch voiced.

"Good. This locker's yours. Change into your scrubs." As I approach the locker I can feel the eyes of the interns on me. I pull the scrubs over my shirt, and try to shield my legs while putting them on. It takes effort.

I manage to look around. I don't really know how, because the woman who I assume, no, know is Bailey is glaring at me. There's a blonde. She's tall and has a kickass body. She doesn't look like an intern, but I try not to make judgments. She has a look in her eyes that belays self-hatred; in fact all of the interns have some look of self-loathing in their eyes. I inwardly shudder and wonder if the purpose of the intern program is to crush innocent grad students.

I try to list the names Addison has repeated over and over on the phone. None of them come to mind except Grey. I wonder which one of them is Grey. I don't think it's the blonde, or the scowling Asian. The rest are guys, so I assume that the one in back is Grey. She has dirty blonde hair—doesn't look too special. She just looks tired. Suddenly, I am very pissed off at Derek.

Both of the guys are staring at me. When I look back at them, the one with puppy dog eyes immediately breaks eye contact. The other one smiles at me, but it isn't a friendly smile—it's suggestive.

They look really surprised to see me, although I'm sure they were warned that I was coming. I bet it's how I look nothing like Addison. I'm average height, now average weight, have dark auburn hair, and a different style. The only things Addison and I really have in common are our blue eyes, and the reddish tint to our hair. Except, Addie's hair is crimson and mine is auburn. No wonder the interns are weirded out.

"Hey." The suggestive-guy says to me.

"Hi." I say back. Bailey glares.

"Do you want to be assigned or not?" She asks the group. They obviously know not to argue back. "Alright," She snaps, "Grey you're with Montgomery. Stevens, stay here. Karev, Burke-

Stevens looks confused. The Asian looks angry, "Bailey, I really need to be with Burke…"

"I'm sorry, Yang." Bailey says. "I thought I was the resident here. Karev, Burke. O'Malley, Shepherd. Yang, for that remark, pit." Yang rolls her eyes, and mutters something. Bailey turns towards me, striking fear in my heart. "Montgomery, you're staying with me." Grey looks at Stevens and me apologetically before leaving.

Now only Stevens, Bailey, and I are standing in the room. It's eerily empty. "Montgomery." She says. "Unfortunately for you, I'm needed in the OR, so Stevens is going to show you around, show you the ropes until I get back. When I get back you'll have a meeting with the chief and me. Got it? Stevens, I want to hear good things from her about you." She gives me a look that says don't mess. "I'm Dr. Bailey if you haven't noticed. Just because I happen to like your sister doesn't mean I'll happen to like you. Just know that. You've got to earn my respect." With that, she turns and leaves.

Stevens looks pissed. "I'm sorry." I tell her.

She smiles at me half-heartedly, "It's fine. I wouldn't have gotten to do anything anyways. I'm Izzie."

Izzie… Izzie… Izzie… Ah, Izzie. Addison's words are coming back to me. _Izzie Stevens is a really good person. She's got a lot of potential. Unfortunately, she screwed a lot of things up for herself when she cut a heart patient's LVAD wire—out of supposed love. She's like I used to be, like you. She gets too connected to her cases. Don't worry you'll like Izzie._ I now see where the sadness in her eyes comes from. Now it's hard for me to look at her without thinking of the LVAD wire, without knowing the true story. "Nice to meet you, I'm Rachelle. Or Rach. Whichever one."

She sits on one of the benches, depressed. "This is the locker room. We change here every morning. Sometimes Bailey meets us here, and sometimes she doesn't."

I nod, trying to be a good student. I want to say something, but I don't. I can't. Izzie stares at me. The silence in the room is deafening. "Yeah," I say awkwardly.

"You know," Izzie squints her bright eyes. "When you first came in, I thought there was no way you could be related to Dr. Shepherd. Whoops, I mean Dr. Montgomery, but now I really see it. It's the smile."

Addison had warned me the interns were very direct in their thoughts. Something I guess I'll need to learn if I'm going to fit in. "Really?" I try to think of something to say, so the awkwardness doesn't just sit in the silence. I'm good at understanding people, but not so good at conversing with them, unless I know them. This is a problem, especially if I want to be a surgeon. "Is Dr. Bailey really like that all the time?"

Izzie giggles. "Yeah, but you get used to it. It's cute."

"Wait a minute…" I say giving her The Look. "How is it cute?"

"You'll see. We all love Bailey around here. She believes in us."

"Didn't seem much like she believed us back there. Especially Yang or whatever her name is."

Izzie gets up and shrugs. "Bailey is pissed at Christina. That's Yang." She leads me into the hallway. "This is the hallway, not much to say, but I'm sure good times have been had here. You know, rushing patients into long surgeries and all." We start up the stairs. "Any questions?"

"So um," I try to be direct. "The other interns… What are they like? And the attendings?"

Izzie takes a breath, "Well, let me see. There's George. We love George. He's great. George O'Malley, I mean." I look around at the nurses pushing patients around in wheelchairs. Bolivia definitely lacked wheelchairs. "Christina. Don't get scared of Christina, she's really not scary. She's incredibly direct, and mostly honest, except when she's sucking up to attendings. Alex Karev. I don't know, Alex is Alex." She looks at me. "You'll hate him at first. He's a good guy." She means the suggestive-guy then. "I'm sure you know about Meredith. Probably haven't heard good things."

I shrug, "Well, not too many good things, although I heard she was a great surgeon."

"I would ask you what she said about me, but I won't." Izzie says, referring to Addison. "Because she has something against me, and I don't actually want to hear that she has something against me, because then it'll mean she has something against me."

I shake my head, suppressing a laugh. "She doesn't have anything against you."

Izzie turns to look at me. "You're lying."

"I am not." I protest, as I bump into someone. I look up at the face of a very handsome man. He looks important; his lab coat pristine, without a speck of dirt. "O-oh, I'm sorry."

He gives me a blinding white smile, and turns to Izzie. "Dr. Stevens who is this?"

"Dr. Burke, this is Rachelle Montgomery."

Burke smiles wider. "So you're Addison's sister. I've been wondering about you." He holds a hand out for me to shake. I take it. He has a very strong grip.

I nod, "It's nice to meet you, Dr. Burke. I've heard a lot about you," I gush, awkwardly. "One of the most renowned cardiothorastic surgeons in the country."

"Yes," He says, "I look forward to working with you." He turns to Izzie. "Dr. Stevens, if you see Christina, could you tell her I'd like a word."

Izzie nods, and Burke thanks her. I watch his retreating back, mesmerized. "A-are all the attendings that good looking?" I stammer, thinking about him and Derek together in the same room.

"You should know," She laughs, "Your sister is an attending, and I'm sure you've met Dr. Shepherd."

"Okay, so all the attendings are that good looking."

She nods, "He's with Christina though."

"Burke!?" I ask, surprised.

Shrugging, she leads us to a central hallway that is bustling with trauma victims. "Right down there is the ER. We do suturing, basic stuff there. So," She says, "Do you know Shepherd really really well?"

I laugh, "Actually I do. We're good friends."

She looks at me, confused. "But Shepherd has no friends. How can you be friends with Shepherd?"

"Well I have known him since I was seventeen."

Izzie gives me The Look. "Seriously?" She asks.

"Um yeah." She looks at me funny.

"Seriously?" She asks again. When I don't answer, she sighs.

We enter the ER. It's crazy how many people are in there. People are crying, bleeding, and screaming. It makes me cringe. In Bolivia there was just a rundown wooden building. The clinic. Pregnant women would come to us crying, or we'd have a bleeder, but never this many emergencies at once. "Ze ER." Izzie says, holding her arms out to the whole scene.

Yang comes rushing up to us. "Do you know how many enemas I've had to do today?" Izzie shrugs with a smile. I suppress a giggle. Yang glares at us. "I've done at least five! Five freaking enemas! Bailey is pissed, and because she's pissed I get to miss Burke's CABG."

"Christina, the question is why is Bailey so pissed at you?"

She looks a little guilty, but says, "I don't know! The whole baby thing, it's making her moody."

"Burke wants to talk to you."

Christina looks deflated. "I've got to go. Have fun with your babysitting." She looks at me, and leaves.

"What a nice girl," I say.

Izzie smiles and takes me to one of the operating rooms. "I'm probably not supposed to do this. Hell, I'm not even supposed to be here, but I just thought you'd want to see one of the surgeries. After all, I am giving you a tour, so why can't I show you the galleries? Plus I thought you'd want to see an old friend." She laughs at this, emphasizing on 'friend'.

We step in. There are a bunch of uncomfortable-looking mauve seats in front of windows that show interns the world of surgery. Izzie sits in one of the back chairs, so nobody can see her, and I sit in front of her. The glass reflects the room, empty, except for Izzie and me. Izzie looks beautiful and tired and sad. I look like I don't belong.

"It's never usually this empty." She says. "I don't know why it is today."

I look down through the window, where a human being is lying on an operating table. His head is actually open. I can actually see the brain. I have never in my life seen a brain surgery. The actual human brain. Holy. Shit. The human brain that causes our problems, fixes it, divides us from everything else. Revealed to the world.

Hunching in concentration over the brain is Derek. A dark green skullcap covers his wavy black hair. Sticking out of the cap are a few classy grey hairs. It's hard to believe that Derek is capable of aging. I hear his murmuring voice, and watch his concentration. Addison always said Derek was unlike anything anybody had ever seen while he was in surgery. She told me nothing could ever break his concentration, that he enters a different world while saving a life.

Izzie watches, and I swear I can see her eyes beginning to tear up. "What's wrong?" I ask her, softly.

"It's been a long time since I've been anywhere near an OR. A very long time." Her face is somber, but her head is somewhere else, in another place in time.

I look at her, with what I hope is a look of understanding. "I'm sorry."

"I knew that you know. About Denny. How could Addison not have told you?" Izzie doesn't seem to be addressing me.

I know this didn't have a lot of Addison in it, but for a reason… Addie will come soon, don't you worry, as will Derek… And Meredith. And the Chief, and more of the lovely Bailey.


	3. Part 3

_Yay thanks for all the reviews, they really keep me going. I had a bit of a writer's block in this chapter, but its eventful.. I hope you'll like it._

_Disclaimer: I don't own 'em… tear tear… Shonda does…_

I don't say anything for a long time. I just watch Derek close up the brain with perfect precision. I can barely hear Izzie breathing.

"Its okay." She says, but I don't know why. "It's okay." She seems to be comforting herself.

"I'm sorry," I say again. The surgery is a success.

"Addison must think I'm really stupid." Izzie gives me a very forced smile.

The tears in her eyes start to slip out, and I turn away, willing them to go away. I feel my own eyes filling with empathetic tears. "I don't know you that well," I say.

"Yeah."

"But I know Addison, and… Addison—she doesn't think you're stupid. People make mistakes."

Izzie looks at the ground, shaking her head. "This wasn't a _mistake_, Rachelle." I realize this is the first time she has ever said my name. It sounds odd, foreign on her tongue. "It was everything." At that moment she seems to jerk awake, as if for the past few minutes she was in a tormented sleep. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you this stuff. We're not friends." I cringe, as she looks at me again. "No, I mean not like that. I mean we just met. I mean we're not friends yet."

Derek looks up at the gallery windows. He sees me. I nod at him. His face lights up. He says something to the doctor next to him, and leaves the room. I close my eyes, trying to forget where I am and why I'm here.

"Looks like Shepherd found you." I can feel Izzie's smirk burning into my back.

I'm suddenly very nervous and in a way, I don't want to see Derek. I don't want to see him after what he did to Addison. He walks up to the gallery in a very leisurely manner, as if he hasn't just opened and operated on a brain, although the after-glow of a successful surgery surrounds him like an aura.

He gives me a huge smile, "Rach!" I hug him. He's so familiar, good to be around, when I've spent the last hour with Izzie Stevens. Seeing him now brings me back memories of when I used to live with him and Addie. Back when we all used to joke and talk. Derek would even ask me advice. Addie told me I was lucky because Derek didn't talk to just anyone. He would talk to Addie a lot too, until four years ago. He would tell her things, but then there would be things he was embarrassed to tell Addie, embarrassed to tell Mark even, and I was the only one he would come to.

"Great surgery." I say.

He gives me his famous crooked smile. I get why they call him McDreamy around here. "God, Rach, you look fantastic!"

"Thanks."

"I can't get over it. You're so tan too." He smiles again, but his face stops when he fully sees mine. "We need to talk don't we?" Derek looks at Stevens.

Izzie frowns, "I'm not here, I was just leaving." She runs out of the room.

"I've missed you," He tells me. "Postcards are not enough."

"I missed you too, Derek, but… God. Addison. What happened? I saw Meredith Grey, and seriously Derek?"

Derek looks extremely offended. "I love Meredith." He tells me, and I shake my head. "Addison and I really tried to make it work, but we just couldn't. There was no way we could."

"Other than the fact that you're both adulterous bitches… Even before then you were distant and we both know why."

A sad look crosses his eyes. "She slept with Mark." Derek sits down next to me.

"How can you love Meredith when you've been through so much with Addie? You loved Addie, Derek. I refuse to believe you've just abandoned that love!" He looks at the floor. "I'm sorry Derek. You know, I haven't seen you in two years; I've missed you. You're my friend too; I shouldn't be hawking you like this, at least not now. But I only know Addison's side on this." He stays silent. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's my fault. I'm sorry you had to come now. It's really bad right now." He shifts in his chair. "What did she tell you? After she slept with _him_?" A look of contempt crosses his face.

"She was very very drunk. She told me she did something awful, she told me she was a whore. She told me you left." I take a deep breath, imaging Addie's uneven, sob-wracking voice. She called and told me that she was lonely. I knew she was always so lonely. She couldn't take it anymore. Mark came by, and he was there, and he genuinely adored her, so she screwed him. She screwed him so she wouldn't be lonely anymore.

Derek gives me a hard look. "I don't get why she would do it."

"I don't get why you would sleep with Meredith Grey. Actually, I do get it, and I also get why Addison slept with Mark, but neither of you get it. You don't know what's wrong with eachother or yourselves for that matter! You both are just so stupid. I'd think you'd know a lot about the brain, being one of the best neurosurgeons in the country. You know how it works, but you never could understand the feelings and the emotions." I sigh, "And I've only been here less than a day."

"I don't know what to do."

"I knew I shouldn't have gone to Bolivia. You guys weren't ready for me to leave. I thought you guys had healed, but it turns out you still haven't." Derek looks down at the ground again. He looks angry. "I know you don't want to talk about it." I say. "So we won't talk about it."

"I don't know why I let you talk to me this way." He says, suddenly laughing at himself.

I roll my eyes, "Because you know you need to hear these things." I give him a pat on the back. "Just remember, Der, you can't hide from these things forever."

He looks like he's about to answer me, when his beeper goes off. He looks down at it with a frown. "Emergency." He looks up at me, eyes shining, "We'll catch up later, I promise." He kisses me on the cheek, and leaves.

I leave the gallery, where Izzie is waiting in the hall. "Wow." She says, and I shake my head. "Just wow."

"I figured you heard everything."

Izzie brings me to several surgical wings of the hospital, and informs me it's lunchtime. We go to the outdoor cafeteria, and I get soup and an apple. She looks at my food choices, "Live a little," she says, shaking a piece of oil doused bread in my face.

I shake my head, "No way. You've never been fat before."

She raises her eyebrows, "You are not fat. Anyways how do you know I wasn't grotesquely fat a few years ago? I could've been really really fat."

"You weren't fat ever. I know it because I used to be. Not grotesquely fat, don't get me wrong, ew. But definitely fat."

She rolls her eyes, and leads me to a table where all of the interns are sitting. She whispers in my ear, "If you say anything about you being fat, they'll think you're pathetic and they won't talk to you ever again." She smiles at them, setting her lunch tray down on the table.

I look around desperately for Addison. Grey stares at me. "She'll be here soon." She says, forcing a piece of lettuce into her mouth.

"Excuse me?"

"Addison is checking in on a patient. She'll be here soon."

"Oh." I feel myself burning up as I stand there awkwardly in front of my gawking colleagues.

Izzie raises her eyebrows at me, "Are you going to sit down?"

Karev guffaws. I notice—thankfully that Christina isn't present. George doesn't look at me. I set my lunch-tray on the table with a slight clang, and pretend to look at the sunny sky. "It's nice out."

"Two days in a row." Karev points out. He raises an eyebrow, "Someone up there must like you."

I take a noisy bite into the apple. George looks at me, finally. "Bolivia. What was it like working in Bolivia?"

"Forget Bolivia!" Karev chews with his mouth open. "What's it like being the sister of the she-shepherd, McHot?"

There are traces of laughter in Grey's tired eyes. "Settle down boys." She says almost seductively.

Izzie leans on the table, propping her elbows up so she's significantly closer to her friends. "Rachelle is like best friends with Shepherd."

Grey smirks. "Who woulda thunk it?"

"Little Montgomery and Shepherd?" Karev asks, pretending to be scandalized.

I take a breath. "Why is it so weird to everyone that I'm friends with Derek?"

George looks terrorized. "She just called him Derek!"

"Shepherd has no friends." Izzie laughs.

Grey nods wisely. "I tried to be friends with Derek once."

I know that. I want to say. But you ended up bedding him, didn't you?

"The guy's a weirdo." Karev smirks. "Montgomery on the other hand… Now she's someone I'd…" Grey gives him a warning look.

"I-in Bolivia," George asks, big blue eyes on me, "Are there a lot of cases of yellow fever? Do you get weird spider bites? That must be so cool!"

I want to giggle at his innocence, but instead I just smile at him and nod. "Yeah, we got some pretty weird cases. I've gotten a case where a man was electrocuted by an eel. You don't see that much in Seattle, do you?"

He shakes his head in amazement, taking a bite of his bagel. "How bad was it?"

Suddenly I see Addison, looking ever so precise, cool, calm, collected. She looks across the lunch area, and spots me. "It was bad," I say, as Addie walks up to our table.

"You guys look nothing alike." Karev says, staring first at Addison and then at me. I think that might be an insult to me, considering how hot he thinks Addie is, but I say nothing.

Addie frowns, "Shut-up, Karev."

"Are you allowed to talk to them like that?" I whisper.

She shrugs. "They don't respect me as their superior, so I don't respect them as my interns."

"Ouch." Alex says.

"So" Addison looks at me. "Do you want to stay with them? Cause I don't mind if you do."

"It's okay."

"Scared of us already?" Izzie asks.

I shake my head. "Don't give her a hard time, Stevens." Addie says, embarrassing me greatly. Who does she think she is--- my mother? Though I suppose mom definitely wouldn't have done that for me.

"Sorry."

"Could you get me a biopsy for Ms. Landry after lunch, Grey?"

"Sure, Dr. Montgomery. Does her baby look okay?" Meredith asks, absentmindedly toying with something under the table.

"So far so good," Addie says with a breath, "Let's hope it stays that way."

We turn away and sit down five tables down, so hopefully the interns can't hear us talking. I can hear Karev murmur something about "sleeping with the enemy", and I see Izzie playfully slap him. "Interesting group." I mutter.

"Indeed." Addison takes a bite of her grilled chicken sandwich. "So how is everything so far? How's Bailey?"

I shrug. "I haven't really done much. Izzie's touring me around. Bailey is the nazi. I have a meeting with her later."

"Ah."

"How is your day so far, dear sister?" I ask, noting her sigh.

"It's okay so far. I have a frustrating case of chronic hypertension. The baby could terminate." She looks into my eyes, but looks at the floor when she says terminate. I know chronic hypertension can lead to preeclampsia. I don't know how she does it. "Luckily Grey is a great doctor." She gives a tight smile.

I frown. "How do you guys even stay civil?"

Addison looks across at Meredith Grey, who is currently laughing at something. "I don't hate her. She's a nice girl."

"She didn't seem too bad, but having only met her for two seconds…"

Addison gives me a rueful look. "I'm not 'too bad' and I slept with Mark. You can't judge someone's personality by who they sleep with."

"I'm judging Derek."

"I'm not." She says in almost a whisper.

"Addison, you can't still think you deserve his bitchiness. He slept with Meredith. It evens the score. I talked to him today. Rather, yelled at him."

"You yelled at Derek?" Addison says half serious, half laughing.

"Well not literally."

She raises her eyebrows. "What did you say?"

"Oh nothing."

She gives me a warning look. "What did you say, Rachelle?"

"I just told him he was an asshole. And then he asked me why you slept with Mark."

"And?"

"I said I understood why you slept with Mark, but I wasn't going to tell him, because well… It's your business, even though you guys are both my best friends."

"Well," Addie says. "Why did I sleep with Mark then, if you're so smart?

I concentrate on Addie's face, see for the first time the worry lines that have formed on her forehead. "Because, Addison. You were lonely."

She looks down at the table. "I was not lonely."

"Addie come on, you've even admitted it to me."

She gives me a look. "When!?"

I laugh, "Not when you were sober, that's for sure." I pretend to admire my nails. "Boy, do I love drunken phone calls."

I remember it clearly. _I was going to sleep. I heard the phone ring. My best friend Kayla moaned at me from her cot. "Sorry," I said apologetically, and grabbed my cell phone, amazed I had service. "Hello?"_

_Addison's voice came slickly through the earpiece. "Rachy? Rachelley? Are you there?" I could tell she was drunk._

"_Addison, it's one in the morning."_

"_That's silly, Rachy, it's midnight."_

"_I'm in Bolivia, Addie."_

"_Whatever," She said. "Rachy, my life sucks."_

_I rolled my eyes. Kayla growled at me from her bed. "Trust me your life does not suck." I whispered into the mouthpiece._

"_Yesh it does, Rachy." I heard her slur. "I'm so fushing tired, Rachy."_

"_Addie, honey, where's Derek? Why don't you ask him to put you to bed, since you're obviously not coherent? Better yet, let me talk to Derek."_

_To my surprise, I heard crying. "Derek isn't here. He's not here, Rachy, he's never here. Derek's an asshole. Derek's an asshole. I'm a whore."_

"_Are you at home, Addie?"_

"_Derek's an asshole cause he left me. He doesn't love me. He hates me."_

"_What do you mean he doesn't love you, honey?" I said, carefully._

"_Rachy, he looks at me like I'm invisible. Am I invisible? I'm not invisible! I'm hot!" She hiccupped and sobbed. "Ever since… Ever since…" She sobbed more._

"_Addie you and Derek are just going through a hard time." I said softly. _

"_We're supposed to be Addison and Derek. Addi-fushing-son and Derek. I'm tired. We haven't had hot sexy mind blowing sex in months. Months, Rachy, months!"_

"_As much as I'd love to talk about your mind blowing sex, dear sister..."_

_She sobbed. "I slept with Mark."_

_I almost dropped the phone. "Mark!? Why the hell did you sleep with Mark?"_

"_Don't get mad at me, Rachy. I was lonely. Lone-lyyy. Now Derek's gone."_

"_What do you mean by gone, Addison?"_

"_He's gone. He left. Out of the house. Kaput. Gone. And I'm a whore because I slept with Mark. Why am I such a whore, Rachy?"_

"_Babe, I'm really sorry, but you're drunk, and I think you need to go to sleep. We can't get very far when you're this drunk. Will you please call me back tomorrow when you're sober?" I said, slowly._

"_Mark calls me babe!" She wailed._

"_I'm hanging up."_

"_Don't, Rachy!"_

"_Goodbye."_

"_Bye, bye."_

I watch Addison from across the table, as she blushes. "Did I really say all that?"

"Mmm hmm. There have been others… Other drunk calls. That was only one example. It'd take me too long to tell you about all of them."

She looks away into the glossy windows of the hospital. "You're my sister." She says.

"So?" I ask.

"You know me. I'm glad that someone knows me." She gives me a tight smile.

There's an embarrassing silence. I love that she trusts me with everything. That she cares about me, although sometimes it's hard, her being Addison. "Addie, how's work been lately?"

She shrugs, "Okay. It's hard. You know." I do know. We don't talk about what I know.

"Yeah." I say, trying hard not to bring anything up. Last time I brought it up; she wouldn't talk to me for days.

She surprises me. "I miss him."

"Derek?"

"No. Yes. I miss Derek. I also miss…"

I nod. "I know."

"It's hard. Since the divorce, I've been thinking about him more often." I try not to think about it, I try to think about Izzie and Denny instead. Izzie's still fragile, just like Addison's still fragile. We don't talk about this, and when we do, we ease into it. We don't mention his name. "I'm worried about Marilyn." She says, almost in a whisper.

"Who's Marilyn?"

"Ms. Landry, the patient with chronic hypertension." She barely chokes out the words.

"Addison." I say, putting my hand over hers. "Do not get close with patients. You told me that. You need to get off your high horse and start listening to your own advice. Stop thinking about it like a woman, and start thinking about it like a surgeon."

Addie gives me a look of sheer disgust. She hates being told what to do, especially by her little sister. "Hypocrite."

"I could say the same thing," I smirk, letting her know it's okay. Sometimes tough love is the only way to get anybody to listen… I suppose that's Miranda Bailey's mantra.

The interns are back to staring at us. "Tonight I'm taking you to Joe's." She says.

_So…. Sort of jam-packed part… What'd you guys think? BTW I'll probably upload every two days if I have time _

_By the way--- just a question… I was actually reading the lyrics to How to Save a Life (good song, if not overplayed… that's why I don't listen to the radio. It ruins songs) and I just realized that almost every lyric sounded like Addison and Derek's relationship. Example (because I feel like being obsessive):_

_Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you_

_As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

_(ummm I know in the show they played it for Izzie and Denny or MerDer… something like that… but that was totally not RIGHT) have any of you guys noticed that? Just wondering. _


	4. Part 4

**Hey Ya'll, sorry for the short delay in getting this part to you. Thanksgiving was hectic and I was tired, etc, etc. Now it's the start of second term, so the work is piling on, as I'm sure you're all aware of. This chapter is pretty much… Well I don't know exactly… It was hard to write. I feel like I got into too much too soon, but generally that is what Rachelle's character does. She confronts people (only when she knows them well… Otherwise she's totally shy) So expect some confronting, people.**

Izzie finds me after lunch and gives me the rest of the tour. She chats with a certain amount of pep the whole time. "You and Addison are really close." She finally says.

I shrug, "Well, yeah, we're sisters."

"No, but you're really close. You're not sisterly close, you're friend close."

"Yeah, I consider Addie one of my best friends. I mean, sometimes it's like that with older sisters. Addie is always there for me."

When Izzie smiles the sides of her eyes crinkle. "It must be nice. I don't have any siblings."

"Oh." I say, "I guess that sucks."

"Yeah. Meredith and George are as close to sisters as I get. We all live together. We talk about life. Wow, I could never imagine talking about life with Addison Shepherd."

"Montgomery," I correct, almost not wanting to, almost wishing everything were still the same.

"Right." Izzie says, turning into a wide hallway.

I think about it. Addie has always been for me, during the times when dad had one of his episodes and lashed out on us, the times that mom blatantly ignored us, the times I was so self-conscious because I couldn't get one measly boyfriend. She's always been there at my side, waiting to wipe away the tears, or offer me a friendly hug. I don't think I could've lived my life without her. I don't think I could've been alone. I suddenly feel very bad for Izzie Stevens. "Addison Montgomery." She says. "I've always liked her. But she doesn't want anything to do with me; no one does, especially after… Well after, D-

I watch her pause, as if just saying the name will bring the tears out. It's so familiar to me. Addison and Derek do it all the time. I rest my hand on Izzie's shoulder. She smiles at me. I smile back at her. "Izzie,"

"I'm sorry, it's hard. God it's hard. I can't even say his name. How pathetic am I?"

"You are not pathetic. I know a certain two people that… Well they refuse to talk about something very bad that's happened about them. At least you try, and you don't pretend like he never existed. You're not a coward."

She raises her eyebrow at me. "Addison and Derek?"

"Never mind." I say, quickly. "It's natural to not want to cry. Crying's a sign of weakness. I hate crying, but sometimes, it just feels good. To cry and cry and know that there's no shame in it."

She shrugs. "Maybe another time."

I put my hand on her shoulder again and force her to look at me. "Addison likes you. She really really does. God, I mean, you'd think I'd know. She tells me everything that goes on in this hospital. I've gotten several detailed descriptions about everyone who works here."

"Seriously?" Izzie asks, and I begin to notice a trend. "What did she say about me?"

"Um, well that you're one of the best surgeons she's seen in awhile. She thinks you're a natural at obstetrics. Also she likes you as a person, and that's important to Addison. She once told me that you remind her a lot of herself when she was younger."

Izzie looks like she's about to die of shock. Good thing we're in a hospital. "Seriously!?"

I can't help but laugh. "Seriously."

Bailey summons me to the chief's office, but not before giving me a long speech about respectable surgery, and how I'd better not do anything to lessen her good name. "Unfortunately," She says in her hard voice. "I am responsible for you interns, but fortunately, I get to punish you. You do not want to be punished by me." I'm starting to get what Izzie's talking about. If you get passed the angry face, Bailey is sort of cute. "And now," She says, opening a door, "You'll talk to the chief of surgery."

In the clean respectable room, talking with the respectable chief is none other than the not so respectable Mark Sloan. This isn't exactly where I want to see him.

He turns around, looking no less steamy than he did before I left. "Kid! What are you doing here?" He gives me a huge hug.

"Hi Mark. I'm an intern here now." I wonder if I should be pleased or scared.

Mark laughs. "Seems like everyone's moving to Seattle." The chief looks on with amusement. "Kid, you lost weight!" The one thing I do love about Mark is that he's honest. "You're a real sex-kitten." He winks at me.

"It's good to see you too, Mark." I say feeling slightly embarrassed that all of this is happening in front of the chief of surgery, and of course Bailey isn't too pleased herself.

"Dr. Sloan." The chief says, his voice booming.

"Sorry," Mark says, grinning sheepishly (as if Mark could be sheepish). "Kid and I go way back."

The chief rolls his eyes, and I think he mutters something about love triangles, although I could be wrong. "I am quite aware of that." He stares at Mark again. "Dr. Sloan, I'm positive that you've got a facial reconstruction scheduled for three, so why don't you get going?"

"If you say so, chief. Do I have one of those god-damned interns 'helping' me today?"

"Not that I know of Sloan, but that reminds me… Come see me when your facial reconstruction is over, I'd like to go over a few things concerning your behavior with the interns." Chief frowns and Mark laughs.

"I can't help it if they're all fools. Good looking, but fools. If they were all like kid here, I'd probably want them assigned to every one of my cases." He taps me lightly on the back, and gives me yet another wink. He salutes the chief before leaving. "We'll talk soon," He tells me. "Tell Addie I say hi."

"Tell her yourself." I snap.

"Feisty." He purrs, and shuts the door behind him.

The chief chuckles, "If only he wasn't the best plastic surgeon around." He motions for me to sit in a chair in front of him. He looks at Bailey, who nods, and leaves. He offers his hand for me to shake. "Dr. Richard Webber." He must see the scared look on his face, so he says, "Oh, you've gotten through the worst earlier with Miranda. Great woman, isn't she?"

I nod tentatively and shake his hand. "Yes."

"So you're Addison's sister." He scrutinizes me. "I can see it." The chief smiles. "Addison is a very well respected member of our team, also one of my good friends. When she came in here to ask if you could join the program, I never hesitated."

I nod again. "Thank you, sir."

"Addison tells me you've worked in Bolivia at La Clínica de Morales." I suppress a giggle at the butchered Spanish. "That must've been quite experience. Would you like to tell me a few things about it?"

I think of all the things I could tell him. The hot days with my best friends, native Bolivians and non-natives working together. Saving lives. I think of Diego kissing me. Diego, operating ever so carefully and perfectly. I think of Camila, who we saved that day. Her mother, so grateful. The cold nights, cuddled up with my best friend Kayla, our feet like Popsicles, and the hot nights, when we slept on the sweaty cots in just our underwear. I think of speaking Spanish, slow at first, but then faster as it settled on my tongue. I think of how English was cast away, sometimes brought back to teach the children or the mothers. Esperanza, Bolivia. "It was an experience." I say. "I got the chance to see how things happen in third world countries. The medical care there was awful; there was never enough medicine and never enough supplies. People died from hunger sometimes. It was awful, but it also was amazing what some of the people there were like. You couldn't find a nicer group. I worked on a large surgery with Dr. Grisera-- pyloric stenosis in a child. I actually had the chance to perform minor surgeries too."

The chief smiles again. "That's great. I see from your credentials that you are a good surgeon, also from Addison's recommendations. Graduate of New York University School of med. I see you had a little bit of difficulty in school in the earlier years, but you seem to have made it. Congratulations, Dr. Montgomery."

I nod, thinking of the several tests I had trouble with. School was never my thing. Learning from real life… That's my thing. "Thank you." I find myself nodding more as he talks about the history of the surgical program at Seattle Grace, the things I should and should never do (I automatically think of Izzie), and the differences between the clinic and Seattle Grace. He hands me a contract, and I skim over it. He watches me with his hands folded. I sign it with quick flourish, and find myself nodding again. What is with all the nodding? He examines my signature, "I think you'll like Seattle Grace. It's a great professional environment."

"I know I'll like it."

"Yes. Well, you're dismissed. Tell Addison that I approve. Oh and just between you and I… Is Addison alright?"

I bite my lip, wondering if there's any way an answer could get Addison in trouble. Seattle Grace is a little odd. I was expecting an extremely professional work environment with no personal connections. Everyone here seems to have personal connections. Seems it's not as different from the clinic as I thought it would be. "Um, yeah, she's okay."

Chief gives a tight smile, "I'm glad. I was just a little worried. I gave her a day off for personal reasons a week ago. She spent the whole time at the bar. I just want to make sure she's okay. I know how hard divorce is."

Okay, awkward. "Yeah."

"Alright, then." He says, standing up to shake my hand again. "I will see you soon." He accompanies me to the door, and I leave, feeling a little shell-shocked.

Bailey meets me at the door. "You will spend the rest of the day shadowing me," I follow her quick footsteps. I try to distract my mind from nerves, but all I can think about is Mark. I can't get the image of Mark and Addison having sex out of my head. It's not like I want to see the image of Addison having sex in the first place (although, I have walked in on her and Derek numerous times), I really don't want to have the image of Mark and Addison. It's womanizer _Mark_. Sleep with a girl and never call her back _Mark_. No respect for the rights of drunken women _Mark_. "Get your head out of the clouds, Montgomery." Bailey snaps, as we stop at a hospital room.

"Sorry." I say.

"This is Alicia Howe, she's sixteen years old. She may have Encephalitis. What is Encephalitis, Dr. Montgomery?"

I sigh, feeling the nerves make their way up through my system. I rack through my head, searching the medical knowledge for the answer. I know it has to do with the brain… Okay, I've got it. "Encephalitis is the inflammation of the brain caused by viruses, ticks, or rabies."

"Yes, and what are the risks?" Alicia stares at me, worried. She looks young; the bland covers of the hospital bed up to her chin.

I feel like I can't say this in front of her. Bailey stares at me with a glare. I force myself. "Up to twenty five percent of cases develop Meningitis, Meningo-Enchephalitis, and Transmyelitits. Fatality rate of one to five percent. Paresis in acute stage usually involves shoulder or hemiparesis and may sometimes involve cranial nerve pulses."

Bailey looks at Alicia, "Alicia, have you been outside a lot recently?"

Alicia scoffs. "God no. It's freezing where I live."

"Where do you live?" Bailey asks.

"I live in Montreal. But I moved here with my dad a week ago. In that week, I haven't really been outside." She gives me a pained look, "Will I die?"

My heart starts beating again. What do I say to that? "W-we're very good at what we do."

Bailey nods, "Encephalitis rarely kills. I don't think you have anything to worry about, honey." Did she just call her honey?

"Plus," I say, feeling inspired. "We don't even know if you have it yet." This causes a semi-glare from Bailey.

"Wait, so you don't even know?" She asks, and then rolls her eyes. "Americans."

Bailey turns towards me, and hands me a file. "Ask one of the nurses to give her an EEG." She turns back to Alicia. "We're also going to give you an MRI. Have you ever had one of those before?" I've just gotten here, and already I'm assigned to a brain swelling case. This is so… scary, but also really cool. Does that make me weird?

A few hours have gone by, and Derek is looking at Alicia's MRI results. "Definite brain swelling," He says.

"Poor girl." I say.

"Have you found any strains of bacteria or viruses, since we ruled out tick bites and rabies?" Derek asks seriously, and I almost want to chuckle. Derek and I are doctors. He thinks I'm a doctor. He's treating me like a doctor. Amazing.

"I found nada."

"Okay," Derek says, "Why don't you look online or in one of your textbooks? You're bound to find something."

I sit down at one of the computers. I could never ever focus during textbook readings. I type in Encephalitis in the medical research database. I look through a bunch of long crap, before I find what may have caused it. Syphilis, anyone? O'Malley walks in the room and ask Derek a question. I study him for a while, watching him talk to Derek, and I wait until he finishes speaking. He's cute, and bumbling. I want to take him and hug him.

"Derek." I say. O'Malley smiles at me awkwardly.

"Yes, Rach?" He asks, scrutinizing one of the computer screens in front of him.

"Do you think Alicia could've had Syphilis?" All of a sudden O'Malley makes a weird choking sort of noise. I look at him, eyebrow raised. His face is beet red. Derek lets out a laugh. "Is there something I'm missing?" I ask, suddenly feeling very foolish. Stupid idea.

"Oh, there was once a large epidemic of Syphilis in this hospital." He looks at O'Malley. "O'Malley, what did they call it?"

"T-the S-syph, sir." He sputters. Boy is he spazzy.

"Ah yes," Derek is chuckling again. "The Syph. I have heard that some cases of Encephalitis come from Syphilis… But there are no records of Alicia ever having had it."

I shrug, and watch as Derek does more research. "You'll talk to Alicia tomorrow though, won't you? Just to make sure she hasn't had any secret procedures done or anything."

"Of course," I say.

We leave the room. "I always knew our Rach would make the perfect doctor." Derek says, scruffing my hair.

O'Malley stares at me in awe. I roll my eyes. "Derek, please. Not in front of O'Malley. I'm trying to impress my colleagues."

"N-no." O'Malley says, big blue eyes wide. "I'm impressed." He manages to control his voice so he doesn't sound like a teenage boy. He's cute.

It's already nine PM, and I am tired. Really really tired. We pass by a spot where almost all of the interns are sitting. Izzie told me this was the intern hangout spot. Grey is there. I watch Derek look at her. He looks at her like he did when he first fell in love with Addie. He hasn't looked at Addie like that since she got pregnant. It makes me sick. I already can't stand Grey, even though I know she's a nice girl. What right does she have? She doesn't even know about anything. She doesn't really know Derek. I really know Derek. "Derek?" I ask. "Can I talk about something with you?"

I pull him out of the room. "You are despicable. You are gross. You are very very much in love."

"Rach-

I notice the look of great distress on his face. I want to hurt him. "You haven't looked at Addison like that since Brandon!" I say, the name burning at Derek.

"Rachelle." There's fire in his eyes now. "We do not talk about Brandon. You know that. You have no right." He turns to the door. "They can hear."

"So what if they find out about Brandon?" I hear myself blurting out. I don't know what's gotten into me. "I'm tired of you and Addison acting like he never existed!" My voice lowers. "You never visit his grave. You don't. I went to New York before I came and I visited him. And you know what Derek? He wasn't even my son!"

"Rachelle." He says, his voice at a menacing whisper. "I am your boss. You are not going to talk to me the way you did in New York."

I am intensely hurt. "So now that I'm here, you don't even want to be friends anymore? You want to pretend like our friendship never existed, your son and your marriage to my sister never existed either?"

Derek looks like he's going to slap me, but I know he's too heroic for that. "We are still friends." He says, vein bulging from his left temple. "But you do not speak to me like that. Especially not in this hospital. I haven't seen you in two years, Rachelle. I knew that the second you got here Brandon would come up." His voice falters.

I put my hand on his shoulder as I can see the tears welling in his eyes. God. Too much too soon. My ultimate flaw. "I'm just sick of the denial. Your marriage was over the second he died. You know that, Derek."

"Please." He says. "Can we please stop talking about it?"

"Only if you promise me that you me and Addie will talk about it later."

"I can't."

"You have to."

His shoulders droop. "Later." He says, nodding.

"I'm sorry." I say, sighing. "It's just you two. You've been so in denial… So dishonest with eachother since I left. I just miss the way it used to be."

"The way it used to be." He says in agreement.

"Well," I say, trying to strike up a smile. "I think I'm going to get totally unbelievably drunk tonight."

Derek looks surprised. "You?" He asks, and he gives me the sort of half smile I've been hoping for, although it's clear he hasn't recovered. "The only time I've seen you drunk… Was the time at that bar in Soho. Do you remember that? Addison made me carry you for fifteen blocks. Besides that you were always such a little goody-two-shoes."

"I learned to hold my liquor in Bolivia. It's less expensive there."

He pats me on the shoulder. "Looks like I'm not the only one who's changed." He smiles at me, still not fully. "I'll be at Joe's to carry you home."

"Will Meredith Grey be at Joe's tonight too?" I ask.

He gives me a look. "You've already gone too far today." He says, and turns away.

**Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you so much for all the reviews. I don't like to be the kind of writer that works only by reviews, and asks people to review, but I gotta admit, they motivate me. So, thanks guys!**

**Also one other thing. Right now I have some idea what I want to do with this story, but I also kind of need a little more action (but I don't want it to be unrealistically dramatic… Although Grey's kind of is so maybe…) I need your help. I'd like to know what you think about these things. (You can tell me whether you'd want it to happen, or if you wouldn't want it to happen, or if it's too dramatic/takes away from the story) I'd like to know what you think.**

**A character (probably Addison) getting pregnant.**

**Addison & Mark sex/ Addison & Derek sex**

**Meredith & Rachelle friendship**

**That's all I really want your opinion on right now, because I have a few things up my sleeve concerning these three things…**

**Muchas gracias, as always!**


	5. Part 5

**Okay, so luckily for you I'd rather write fan fiction than do my homework. Eventually it'll be my demise, but you know… It's just so much more FUN. Screw college (all anyone thinks about these days).**

**Pertaining to your suggestions about the story: Unfortunately, you know I can't please EVERYONE, but hopefully I'll write it in such a way that you at least like what's happening. I definitely have a better idea now.**

**(Story's Time Frame: 3 weeks after prom so about 2 weeks since divorce? I'm just guessing at this point. George and Callie are fighting… So Mark has slept with Callie. Burke still has his hand tremor (no one but Christina knows still). Getting this straight, since not following the episodes is a little hard)**

"Addie, why aren't we going to the parking lot?" I ask, watching my sister stride across the dark hospital lawn.

"Because," She smirks, "It's right across the street."

"A bar across the street from a hospital. Am I really hearing you right?"

"Yep."

"Ironic." I pull my jacket on tighter, not expecting the air to chill my skin, and give me goose bumps.

"It comes in handy."

"Addison!" A dark haired Latina woman runs up to us. "Going to Joe's?"

"Yep." Addie answers, and to my surprise, we're there.

"Who is this?" The Latina woman asks, watching me.

"My sister, Rachelle." I nod at her, and look at Addie, who seems to be in a different time and place.

"You going to introduce us?" I ask.

The Latina woman raises her eyebrows when she doesn't answer. "I'm Callie." She says, thrusting out her hand for me to shake. "And Addison is out of it."

Addison still doesn't answer, but enters the bar. We follow her and grab a seat on the wooden stools.

"Hey Joe." She says, somewhat loudly, as if she's already drunk. "I'd like a G&T. My sis here would like a greyhound, and Callie—

Callie interrupts, "I don't know what you're thinking, but you're not going to order for me. A beer please, Joe."

"You know, I think I'd like to order myself too. Do you have any tequila around here, Joe?" I laugh, getting into the whole bar scene. It's a little bit crazy how many doctors are drinking here, still in their scrubs.

"Tequila?" Callie asks, frowning.

Joe looks at Addison. "Did you say this was your _sister_?"

Addison gives Joe a pout. "Hey! I only stopped drinking tequila after I found out it was Meredith Grey's main poison." She sighs. "Sorry Joe, I forgot you liked her."

"Well unlike you, I am not going to stop drinking tequila because _she_ drinks tequila. So there." I take the glass Joe has set down on the bar, and take a large gulp. The contents burn my throat going down.

"I like you." Callie says, giving me a slap on the back. I nod at Callie. It's almost like being with a female version of Mark. Except, thankfully, she doesn't flirt quite as much. I watch Addison down her G&T with one gulp.

"You okay?" I ask her, as she orders another. I've seen her drink a lot before, but never this fast.

"Yeah, fine. I'm just… I want to get drunk as quick as I can."

Callie raises her eyebrows yet again, and sips her beer. I look at her, wondering if she knows something. She shrugs as if to say, 'I barely even know her'. I try to think about what would have Addison so un-subtly whacked. There's the divorce of course, and the woman with severe hypertension… Oh. Shit. Tomorrow it will be Brandon's birthday. How could I have forgotten? The traveling. I blame it on the traveling and how overwhelmed I am. There's no excuse. I am a sucky aunt.

"Addie…" I begin, as she downs another.

"I want to do shots." She says to Joe. "Of vodka." She gives me a look. "No, make it tequila."

"What is up with her?" Callie asks.

"You know what—I don't really…" I begin.

"What is up with me? What is up with me?" Her voice cracks loudly. "I'm going through divorce… And my life sucks. But I shouldn't be talking about this stuff, because I'm not drunk enough to blame it on the alcohol… yet." She swiftly passes her hand through her hair, but it keeps falling in her face. "Joe! Shots!" She laughs. "We should play a drinking game, just Rach, me and Callie."

"Addison," Joe says slowly, putting his hand over hers. "You don't have to do this."

The world of Seattle Grace is weird. It seems everyone is personally acquainted with not only eachother, but also the bartender slash owner. So freaking much for a "professional environment".

"Oh, Joe." She sucks down more tequila. "I'm drinking tequila. I mean business."

I gulp down more of my drink, in hopes that I will get drunk enough to not have to see this.

"Oh look!" Addison says, huskily. "There's Meredith. Meredith!" She calls out. She almost falls off her stool. I never believed it was humanly possible to get this drunk this quickly. "Meredith! Hey!"

Grey looks over like a deer caught in the headlights. She's scared shitless. She has no choice but to walk over.

"Hi." She says awkwardly, her voice matching her tired persona.

"Meredith, you wanna drink with us?" Addie asks, giggling. "I have your favvv," She says, dragging out the V. "tequila." She offers a lipstick stained shot glass to Grey. Grey looks at Joe and Callie quizzically. Callie laughs.

Joe holds up a glass. "This one's on the house, Meredith. I have a feeling you'll need it." He places it in front of Grey, who downs the drink on command.

"Joe." Addison puts on a pout. "Why don't I get free tequila?" Silence fills the room. "Right. You like her better than me. It seems everyone around here does."

Joe fills up a shot glass for Addison and puts it in front of her. "It's free." He sighs. "God, I gotta stop remembering to put things on the house."

"I don't want your pity tequila!" Addison says, but drinks it anyway. "Besides, I'm deliciously rich." Joe shrugs. Grey looks like she wants to die.

"Addison," I say, whispering in her ear, "Addie stop. You are making a fool out of yourself."

This would never happen to Addison in New York. She would drink socially, but not enough to get her drunk. At Hospital Christmas parties she would be delightfully tipsy, but sober enough to stay in control. Addison likes control, but now she's lost it, and I have a feeling she doesn't know how to deal with it. Of course she drinks.

She used to get drunk alone. It used to scare me, when I'd come home to an empty house, Derek at work, Addison on the floor, or vomiting into the toilet. The next day she would always pretend it never happened. She would be the same old reliable, perfect woman she always was. I hate to say it but she's like mom in that way.

Now Addison is slipping. She's different, but still the same. "Addie."

"It's okay, Rachy." She says, "I'm okay." Yeah, like that's enough to convince me.

She puts on a front, smiling at Grey. "Tequila is good. I should have it more often."

Grey looks around the room. She sees Izzie and Karev who are currently off duty. She gives them a pleading look. Coward.

Callie watches Addison intently, as she starts getting less and less sober. "Meredith," Addie takes one of the peanuts on the table and crunches into it. "I like you. I do."

"Yeah." Grey watches as Alex and Izzie approach.

"It's Derek I don't like." She says, slightly slurring her words.

I grab Addie's hand, "Will you come with me?" I ask her, intending to drag her off to the car, so I can drive her back to the hotel.

"No. No I'll stay here, Rachy, but thanks for that wonderful offer."

"Addison, please come with me!" I'm beginning to feel humiliated under my colleagues' stare.

"Rachelle." She gives me a serious stare before bursting into laughter. "You were in that place for a really really long time. It was really long and I missed you. But things have changed. You can't have us both, Rachy, honey."

"Oh god, please stop." I say under my breath.

"Me or Derek. And you better choose me or I'll kill you." She downs another shot as Grey cringes.

"You're drunk." I tell her, drinking more alcohol, and feeling the much-needed buzz in my system. Luckily, even Karev has the decency to be quiet.

"That's what I was aiming for," She says, and as luck would have it, Mark Sloan swaggers in. Does the whole freaking hospital have the night off?! "I have to go to the bathroom." Addison gets up quickly and almost trips.

"I'll come with you." I say, taking her arm, watching the interns talk amongst themselves. Addison looses her stepping again and I catch her as we awkwardly make our way to the bathroom. The bathrooms are dank and smelly. Luckily they're empty." What is up with you?" I ask her, angrily. She closes her eyes, as I splash her face with cold water. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

She looks at herself in the mirror, her perfect crimson hair slightly out of place. One straight piece hangs over her eye, and even drunk, under the neon light she's gorgeous. I have these moments when I really look at someone and I can see who they really are. If you really look at someone you can figure out a lot about them, the lines on their face, the tiredness of their eyes. It's been a long time since I've seen Addie. She's beautiful, scared, confident, insecure, lonely, professional, angry. She's everything. Suddenly I want to grab her and hug her as hard as I can. "Things have changed." Although she's not sober, there's a serious tone to her voice that makes her sound completely lucid.

"I know." I take a piece of her hair and twist it around my finger until it falls back into place. "Tomorrow…" I start, "is…"

Addison spills more water onto her face, getting some on her black coat. The droplets disappear as they land on the soft surface. She sighs, and buries her head into my shoulder. "Why does life have to be like this?" She asks, and her eyes are wet with tears.

"I visited him in New York."

She looks at me, her mascara staining her cheeks. "Will you tell me about it?"

_It was really cold, although it was just the beginning of fall. I hadn't been to New York in ages, and it seemed strangely empty without Addie. New York wasn't the same without Addie, Derek, and Mark all there to liven it up. Now that they were gone, it seemed like a wasteland. I missed Bolivia and I wished I could go back, although I was happy to see the bustle of civilization, of my home for so many years. _

_I figured since Addie and Derek and Mark were all gone, his grave would be lonely. I bought one red rose from the cheap flower shop on 43rd street, and got on the bus that stopped off near the graveyard. I missed Addie terribly, and I wondered how she was doing… She was in Seattle to try to win her husband back. It was all so different, all so strange. Mark was in love with her this time. Derek wasn't. _

_The bus stopped off in front of a short white building outside of the city. I got off and felt my feet hit the sidewalk with a thud. I walked the five blocks to the graveyard, and stopped in front of the tombstones. A shiver ran down my spine. A baby was buried here. I kept forgetting that. It took me about two minutes to find his stone within the labyrinth of the graves, and I stooped in front of it. I read the gravestone for the thousandth time in my life._

_Brandon Maxwell Shepherd. For only a short time he brought love and happiness to the world. _

_A year and a half. It boggles the mind. Why does one child grow up to become an adult? Why does the other child live only for a short time? Who decides this? Why would he be born just to die?_

_I felt myself touching the cold of the grave, tracing over his name over and over as I'm sure Addison would've done. I laid the rose down, kneeling, my knees browning from the dirt. I remember what I said… Just… "I love you." And I reminded him it was me, aunt Rachelle. "Your mommy and daddy didn't leave you." I said. "They're still here. They love you. They would never leave you. We all love you and miss you." And I left._

I don't tell Addie what I said to Brandon; just that I made sure he knew that we loved him. She's sobbing now against my shoulder, and I hold her, remembering the times when we were in opposite places. I was usually the one in her arms crying, not the other way around. I hold her. Depression drifts around me slowly. I hate that Addie has turned into this. She's turned into me.

Izzie and Callie choose this moment to walk in. I want to punch both of them for intruding, but it is a public bathroom. They aren't at fault.

They watch Addie, sobbing against my shoulder. Addie is oblivious to them. When she is hammered, she often is oblivious to the rest of the world. They look at me with huge eyes, and I glare at them.

"We just wanted to see if you guys were okay." Callie explains. Izzie takes out a pack of portable Kleenex from her pocket, and drops it into my hand with a soft thud. She doesn't look at our faces. She knows exactly what it's like to lose someone.

"We'll be okay." I tell them, trying to stop myself from breaking down and crying. We don't need both the Montgomery girls to be a train wreck. I wait for them to leave. They don't. "I should get her home." I say, trying to move, but she is limp against my shoulder. Her breathing is uneven and ragged. "Addison?" She's unconscious. "She passed out." I tell Izzie and Callie.

"Do you think you should bring her to the hospital, just to make sure she's okay?" Izzie asks, looking at Addison.

"No." I pause. "She probably wouldn't want me to. She just needs to go back to the hotel. She's just exhausted."

"Want us to help you bring her back?" Callie asks.

"That would be very helpful." I say, trying to move Addison. Callie and I take her so that she's leaning against our arms, and slowly walk her out of the bathroom. I am trying to prepare myself for all of the stares we will receive.

We drag Addison along, past Joe, who offers to call us a cab, past Karev who looks like he's going to approach but thinks otherwise, and past Mark who actually does approach. The chatter in the bar seems to subside.

"Is she okay?" He asks me, a worried look crossing his otherwise perfect features.

"She's fine." I snap.

"No need to be bitchy, kid." He says, trailing behind Callie. "Let me help." Despite my protests, Mark swiftly scoops Addie out of our arms and holds her in his like a baby. Her black sling-backs are almost falling off her limp feet, and her hair is draped over his arm. "Rach." He says, "Are you sure she's okay? I know what day tomorrow is." Great. Even _he_ remembered Brandon's birthday. Izzie and Callie exchange a look.

"Yes, she's okay."

"Do you know her blood alcohol level?" He asks, switching to doctor mode.

Thankfully, before I can answer, Addie shifts in his arms, and slowly opens one eye. "Mark?" She asks, confused, before drifting off again.

"She doesn't have alcohol poisoning, Mark. Her breathing isn't slow, and she woke up, only for a second, but she woke up. Plus she didn't drink nearly enough to get that hammered."

Mark nods, and lifts Addie higher in his arms. "She parked across the street?"

"Yeah." I say.

"All right ladies," Mark smiles at Callie and Izzie. "Rach and I will take it from here." I almost want to scream 'Who died and left you in charge?' but I don't because I'm grateful that Mark knows that Addie needs privacy. Izzie and Callie look at me, and I nod to show that I'm okay without them.

The cold air hits us and goosebumps form on my arms. Mark treats Addison as if she's a porcelain doll, gingerly laying her in the back seat of the car, and smoothing her hair. "She wasn't just a fuck." I say to Mark.

He gives me a sexy half smile, "Whoever taught you to speak like that?"

"Mark, seriously. How do you feel about my sister?"

He smoothes her hair again and looks at me, this time without the cocky smile. "I like your sister." He says, although still in a jokey manner.

"That I've known for years, but, Mark, there's something else."

He shrugs, "It's getting cold, we should get back to the hotel and tuck Addie in."

"Tuck Addie in?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. "Oh how the mighty have fallen."

"Rach will you just shut up and let me drive?" He starts the car.

**Hehehe. Oh how I love drunken scenes, cause unless Addison is really pissed, it's usually the only time she ever admits things. Next update there will be some Maddison sweetness (never fear Addek fans, Derek and Addison will talk sometime soon.) Oh and you'll find out more about Brandon, there will be more italics which more memories.**


	6. Part 6

**Yo sorry for the delay in updating… School's been a bitch, and well… Yeah, I found out I might have pneumonia. I'm coming to the doctor in like two minutes… Guh. Wish me luck.**

**Just a warning: This is a very Maddison/Angsty chapter.**

I nod, looking at the stars in the sky. They're almost as clear here as they were in Bolivia.

"_Mark, I should go, I have a patient I need to attend to." Addie burst out laughing, unaware that I was watching. "A patient that I need to attend to. God it feels good to say that."_

"_Forget residency, how cool will it be to be an attending?" Mark laughed, almost unsure of himself, "Well, bye Addie."_

"_Bye Mark," Addie's cheeks were flushed and she looked better than ever, happier than ever. As Addie walked away, Mark watched her. I could see his lingering stare, his want. It was my cue to slide in. I grabbed a chair next to him._

"_Hey Marky."_

_He looked surprised, but smiled at me anyway. "Hey kid. I keep forgetting you're old enough to be drinking."_

"_Shut-up!" I said, slapping him playfully. It felt good to have some kind of flirting banter with a guy, even though he obviously was interested in my sister. "I've been able to drink for almost three years now. You're just a tease."_

"_I've been told that a lot, I'm beginning to think there's some truth to it." He gives me a cocky wink._

"_God, stop it with the frat-boy stuff. You're a doctor, if you haven't noticed. Although I guess since you're going into plastics, you don't really count." I said, knowing this would be a playful button pusher._

"_Hey, don't diss plastics, woman. What if you suddenly needed a nose job? Would I be there? I only operate on people I respect."_

"_That's a lie." I told him. I had no idea how to bring Addie into the conversation, except to be direct. "So…How's Addie?"_

"_What do you mean how's Addie? You live with her."_

"_Well tonight, how's Addie?" I said, watching as his thoughts seemed to go somewhere else entirely. _

"_She's beautiful." He said, looking up at the ceiling. He tried to catch himself, but the damaged had already been done. "I mean, she's great."_

"_Mark, I've had my suspicions, but how long have you liked Addie?"_

"_Liked Addie? I'm not that much of a jerk, she's my best friend's wife." He said, snapping out of his reverie with a little bit of anger._

"_Mark, I never thought you of all people would be a liar."_

"_Rach, you're her sister. I can't talk with you about this."_

_I watched his face. I had always seen sparks of Mark that escaped his natural cocky exterior. He both interested and terrified me. He was a screwed up person, but who wasn't? "Mark, do you really think I'm going to tell Addie or Derek about this?"_

"_Hell yes." _

"_I'm not. I keep secrets from them, I'm not that much of a goody-goody."_

"_Right." He said, drinking his beer, and slamming it on the table with a crash. A few people turned to look._

"_Just think of me as your shrink. I'm not Addie's sister. I am now Dr. Kathleen Marsch."_

_He rolled his eyes. "I should've never told you about Katie."_

"_I just think it's a little weird that you've slept with your shrink, but whatever. Anyways, now I'm in character. I'm sexy shrinky Katie. How do you feel about Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd?"_

_His eyes were green. They sparkled. I never knew that they sparkled. "I only like her."_

"_Really?"_

"_Of course."_

Even then I knew he was lying.

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Would it be the most awful thing in the world if you said you loved her?"

"Rach, I told you, shut up."

"You moved to Seattle for her."

"And she moved to Seattle for Derek." Mark says, coming to a stop at the well-lit hotel entrance. He opens the door to the backseat, and looks at Addie for only just a second, but in that second it's easy to see how much he adores her. "She's Satan." He says, quietly, slipping his arm under her back, and lifting her. He cradles her head to his neck. We wait on the elevator in silence, and slowly go up to our room. I take the card out of Addison's Coach bag, and swipe it. The door opens, and a freshly clean room awaits. Mark gently places Addie on the soft bed, and sits next to her. "Come here, kid." He says, patting the place next to him. I sit.

He looks at Addie, but talks to me. "You're too smart for your own good."

"Not gonna disagree with that." I chuckle.

"I could lie to you." He says, watching me. "But you know as well as my shrink knows that I'm a pathological liar."

"Is this Katie the shrink?" I ask, elbowing him.

He chuckles. "No. I got a new one. This one's a keeper."

"You gonna screw her?"

"It's a guy."

"Oh."

"Not half as much fun." He grins. His grin disappears when I point to Addie.

"Tell me."

He fiddles with his car keys. They jangle loudly. "I've never felt this way about anyone, kid. I think I'm in trouble."

I put my hand on his shoulder. "Why is it so bad? To feel that way?"

"Rach, have you ever been in love?" He asks, his eyes on the door.

"I'm pretty sure I have." I say, thinking of Diego. Of the nights I'd spent agonizing over him. The times I'd spent analyzing every little kiss.

Mark clears his throat. "Well then you know why it's so bad. I never thought it would happen to me. I was fine with no strings attached. It was fun. But now I'm so screwed up. Fuck. I've only slept with two women since I came here; one was Addie and the other one… The whole time I was thinking of Addie." He pauses, "And Callie was good, too!" He says, looking tortured.

"You slept with Callie!?"

"I was so pissed with Addison. She still wanted Derek, even after he treated her like shit. You know, Rach, I chose Addison over Derek. I chose a girl over my best friend. That's fucked up."

I don't know what to say. I never expected Mark to actually admit this stuff to me. I don't have a prepared answer. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry!" He yells. "There's nothing to be sorry about!" He looks at me, this time straight in the face. "She doesn't want me."

"She's going through a tough time right now, Mark. You have to give her space."

"Wha…" Addison's eyes flicker open, from where she's lying on the bed. "Give who space? Rach? Mark? Are we still in the bathroom?"

"No we're at the hotel." I say, calmly.

"Shit, why did you let _him_ in?" She snaps, in away that makes me feel _bad_ for Mark Sloan. I feel bad for Mark Sloan. I'm taking care of my _older sister_. What kind of world is this? She tries to get up, and falls back on the bed. "Oh god. I think I'm going to be sick." Hearing this, Mark grabs her and runs her to the bathroom, which is only a few feet away. I try not to look, as Mark holds back her hair, and I hear retching noises. When it's over, I peer through the door. Addison is sprawled on the ground before the toilet, while Mark strokes her hair and holds her. She moans. "Mark, I want to get up."

"So get up."

"I can't. Would you please…" She pauses. "Would you please _help_ me?"

"Wait—What? I couldn't hear that, please repeat?"

"Mark, I'm semi-drunk, and I just threw up all over the toilet. Do you want me to do it again— on you?" I can hear some ruffling in the bathroom, as he takes her in his arms and stands up.

"Aren't you going to want to take a shower?" He asks, in suggestive tones. No wonder Addie doesn't reciprocate the love. He doesn't show any signs of the sensitivity that had reared its ugly head before.

"Just bring me back to the bed." Addie orders.

He helps her up, and she leans against his chest. Her face is pale against the blue of Mark's shirt. "Oh god." Addie moans, as she hits the bed.

"Hey, Rach, do you have any buckets? I don't want to have to carry her to the bathroom every time she has to puke."

"I don't know, go find some maid and ask for one." I tell Mark, who looks a little pissed as he goes out in the hallway to find a bucket.

Addison motions for me to come to the bed, and she also looks pissed. Literally and figuratively. "Rach—

She struggles to finish my name. "You're still drunk." I tell her.

"Why did you let him in?" She croaks, and I sit next to her, stroking her hair.

"I had to. You passed out, I couldn't carry you to the car."

"Still. You could've found someone else… Instead of Mark. The guy I slept with… You know and ruined my marriage with Derek?"

"Addison. Your marriage with Derek was already ruined. It wasn't Mark's fault. Well it partially was. But mainly, the act of ruining your marriage was a group effort. And the members of the said group were you, Derek, and Mark."

"I-I can't talk about my marriage right now, Rach. But I can be extremely angry at you for bringing a guy I hate into---

Of course, like any dramatic soap opera, Mark walks in at the exact moment Addie utters the word 'hate'.

"This is awkward." He says, thrusting the bucket at me. Then he turns and leaves the room.

"Addie, you are so stupid." I drop the bucket, and go after him like any girl who cares about her older sister would.

I stumble into the hallway, where Mark is waiting—not so patiently—for the elevator. "Mark, she didn't mean it, she's drunk!"

"The only time she tells the truth is when she's drunk!"

"She's confused. She's hurting." I tell him, looking up at his glowering face.

"Brandon's birthday is tomorrow." He whispers, eyes softening.

A cold shiver runs through my body. No one has said his name out like that. It's so there, so in your face. "I know."

"It was hard on all of us." He says. "I loved him too. When he died…"

"It tore us apart." I finish for him. "When he was alive, he brought us together, and when he died, it tore us apart."

"Do you remember how happy she was? When she was pregnant. When he was healthy." He closes his eyes, and then opens them. "Derek was too. I'd never seen him happier, except on his wedding day."

"Do you remember when they found out?"

He smiles at the memory.

_The hospital was bustling with people. It was one of our most busy weeks of the year—the week before Christmas. We had cases of electrocution (those damn Christmas lights), ice-skating incidents, and perilous fights over toys in the lines of Toys 'R Us. I happened to be volunteering at the hospital at that time, for extra credit in med school. More experience equals better doctors, and all that jazz. I was doing some routine tests for a child who had broken his nose running on the ice. It was bad enough that he broke his nose, but during this time of the year… He would forever be known as Rudolf. _

_Addie burst into the room smiling. "Rach, could I borrow you for a second?" She asked me._

"_Sure." I said, assuring the little boy I would come back, and give him Tylenol. I followed Addie's quick pace into an empty room. "What is it?" I asked her._

_Her cheeks were flushed and she couldn't stop smiling. It had to be good news. She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."_

_My mouth dropped open and I hugged her. "Oh my god. Finally! Addie, this is great!"_

"_Yeah, I'm about two months along, I was kind of ignoring all the symptoms… Too busy, and everything…They were really mild up until now… but I realized I might be two days ago… So…" She said smiling. "I checked, and now I want you to do an ultrasound on me." She pointed to the machine._

"_I'm surprised you didn't want to do this yourself." I said, as she pulled her legs into the stirrups. The stirrups always gave me nightmares. _

"_Well," She said. "I wanted it to be special. My first ultrasound. I don't want it to be like every other day of work."_

_The smile was plastered on her face. "Have you told Derek yet?" I asked, as I rubbed the gel on her stomach._

_Addie shook her head. "No, not yet. God, he'll be so happy."_

"_He will."_

_We both watched as the picture came on screen. Blurry, but there, and of course, Addison knew exactly what she was seeing. She pointed to the little peanut shaped dot. "That's it. That's the baby." She smiled again._

_Mark and Derek entered the room, somehow finding us. "There you are!" Derek said. "We've been looking for you all over the place…We had to get a nurse to tell us where you were… We practically had to torture her. We figured we would go out to lunch as…" I almost laughed as Derek trailed off. The look on his face was monumental. "A-Addie." He stammered, watching the ultrasound as if it would get up and talk to him. "A-are you pregnant?" Addie giggled as Derek walked closer to the screen._

"_Yes, I am. It's yours by the way."_

_Derek laughed, "Addie! Addison! This is great news. Great news." He hugged her and kissed the top of her head. "Our baby. That's our baby." Derek pointed to a spot on the ultrasound. Addison took his hand and trailed it down a little bit to where the baby actually was._

"_It's really a good thing you didn't specialize in neonatal." Addie giggled, while Derek looked embarrassed. "But yes, that is our baby." Mark and I stood together, watching the two kiss and hug and make all sorts of plans for the future. It was like we were outsiders looking in on the two happiest people we'd ever see._

And the happy cries of, "It's our baby!" echoed through my head all the way to his funeral.

"Nobody should have that happen to them." Mark says, looking somber. "We should go back. Addie is waiting."

When we get back to the room, Addie is asleep. Mark looks down at her. We're both thinking of Brandon.

"You can sleep here tonight if you want. On my bed. I'll sleep with Addie." I tell him, for some reason not wanting him to leave.

He nods. "Alright." Not one request to sleep with Addie. He must be as tortured with the Brandon thing as we all are.

When I get back from the bathroom in my pajamas, I see Mark pulling Addie's blanket up to her chin, and making sure she's comfortable. "One day you'll be with her. You deserve it." I tell him. He envelopes me in a big hug, and pads through the conjoining area to my room. He strips off his shirt and pants leaving only his boxer shorts. He is toned. Really toned. God he's toned.

He gives me one of his cocky grins when he catches me staring at him. "Goodnight." He smirks, and closes the door to the conjoined room. I'm left in the dark, lying next to a snoring Addison.

I can't sleep, thinking about the day I've had. How is it that one day, one moment in time can change everything? My life is going to be different now. It's hard to believe I'm going to have to jump back into my life with Addison and all of her hardships. I think about Mark, George, Karev, Izzie, and Meredith Grey, wondering if they're awake at this very second. I wonder where Derek is, without Addison. It's two hours before I fall asleep, Brandon's image in my head.

I feel a dull pain at my leg. I groggily look up. Addison's kicked me. I check the clock, my eyes threatening to clamp shut. The blurry red numbers tell me that it's three in the morning. I am about to go back to sleep when I hear a muffled sob.

"Addie?" I ask, my voice seeming to echo in the otherwise silent room.

I see the darkness of her head, as she turns to me. "It's nothing, Rach, go back to sleep." She says, her voice shaky.

"No. Tell me what's wrong."

She covers her head with the pillow. "Brandon." She chokes. "He was born in about thirty two minutes from now, four years ago."

I hold her, feeling her sobs wrack her body. I try to steady her. "I miss him."

"I miss him more than anything." She's almost hyperventilating at this point, forcing herself to stop crying.

"Shhh," I whisper. "Breathe."

She's silent. "What am I supposed to do?"

"What did you do last year?"

"I went to work. Derek was in Seattle." Her voice is becoming more normal, but it's stilled laced with pent up sadness. "I tried to call you, but you had some kind of emergency."

Addison sits up and pulls the blanket over our heads, and I feel like I'm ten again. I'm ten and she's seventeen. Except, now she's the one who's crying, and now I'm the one who is supposed to be comforting her. "I remember that. I'm so sorry."

She falls back on the bed, pulling her cold feet up to her chest. "How the hell am I supposed to go to work today? My patient has preeclampsia."

"Take the day off?"

"Rach, that's not going to happen. I can't just give up."

"But it's important."

She sighs. "It's been harder and harder for me to go to work lately, Rach. I keep thinking about him. A few weeks ago I had a couple that thought their baby was fine. They thought he was fine, and he just died. He died, Rach. And I'm supposed to be unaffected, but I went into the bathroom and I cried. And Callie found me. Lately, I just can't. I can't function." She says all of this very quickly, like a breath of fresh air. She sobs into my arms. "I wonder how Derek spends Brandon's birthday?"

We are both silent. We don't say a word for a while. Addison and I watch the minutes of the clock change, waiting for it to be 3:32. "Four years ago," She says, staring up at the ceiling. "At this exact time, I was terrified. God I can't even explain it."


	7. Part 7

**Disclaimer: I am not a doctor… So this could be very medically incorrect for all I know. This chapter is rated M for mature themes (not sex guys… I knew I raised your hopes for that)… But it's rated M for dark and twisty themes. OH and I STILL don't own Grey's Anatomy. Sigh. At least I've got Rach…**

**OK. This part of the story: VERY intense and VERY angsty. If you're easily disturbed… Well I wouldn't recommend reading it… But I mean, you're all watching Grey's Anatomy, so you shouldn't be that easily disturbed. It's not THAT disturbing… But, it's really sad… But you get to find out how Addison really feels about the whole Brandon ordeal. It begins with a memory…**

_Derek burst into my room, the door swinging open and hitting the wall with a loud bang. He was breathless and frantic._

_I rubbed my eyes and pulled the covers over my head. What the hell was he going on about? All he had to say is one word, and I jumped out of bed, forgetting that I was freezing, and forgetting that I was tired. All that mattered was two people. _

"_Something's wrong with Addison."_

_The stuffy air was enveloping me. I pulled on a pair of pants, and rushed upstairs into Addie and Derek's room, where Addison was propped up on the bed, clutching her stomach._

"_Alright, Addison, we're going to the hospital." He tried to get her up, not looking at her face, which was in sheer agony. Her red hair was plastered to her face with sweat, and she looked scared. Derek held her against his chest, listening to her breathing, which was very irregular._

_She spoke in short bursts of breath. "I-it can't. Be. Oh god. What is it?" She kept trying to diagnose herself, as she leaned on Derek and I, walking fragilely to the car._

_The whole ride there we were asking ourselves silently what was going to happen. I sat with Addie in the backseat. She clutched my hand, cutting off the circulation and leaving it white. I squeezed back. "Pre-e." She said, breathing hard. "Preeclampsia." She clamped her eyes shut._

"_What? You don't have high blood pressure."_

"_Wouldn't you notice if you had preeclampsia, Addison?" Derek asked, obviously not helping, as we pulled into the VIP section of the hospital's parking. _

_Addison grit her teeth. "The symptoms can come very quickly. Unexpected." I held her hand tighter, and she continued to talk, tears running down her cheeks. "Patient a month ago. She had it. It was a stillbirth. Induced delivery. The baby was…" She didn't finish. She couldn't finish. _

"_You're going to be okay," I tell her, "You're both going to be okay."_

_She whimpered, her eyes towards the black ceiling of the BMW. "You should know better. You never promise a patient something you can't verify. Have they not taught you that in med school?" Her words were raw with pain. "You… You don't know."_

_Derek ran around to her side of the car, and took Addie's hand. "Nothing's going to happen to him." He said, fear present in his bright eyes. The sky was dark and grey. The screams of ambulances echoed around us. It was something we were usually trained to ignore, but now, as we were in the midst of an emergency ourselves, the persistent ring pierced our ears._

_We were slow, because Addison was in so much pain. I looked at her swollen stomach, which was her pride and joy. I remembered all the times she had snapped at people who tried to touch it. Mama bear, we called her. _

_Addie was mumbling to herself, "Preeclampsia can cause complications such as including __intrauterine growth restriction__preterm birth__placental abruption__, and stillbirth." She sounded as if she were an intern again, telling her superior about the risks to the patient. _

"_Addison, stop it." Derek ordered, as I ran further ahead to get a doctor._

_I ran into Dr. Alkeas who was second in command in neonatal surgery at the time. Addison, of course, was first. "Rachelle," He said, in his irritatingly calm voice. He looked at Addison, adjusting his glasses. "Is Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd okay?"_

"_Does she look okay!?" I asked, exasperated. "She thinks its preeclampsia." I explained as a nurse pulled up to Addison with a gurney. _

"_That's hard for me to believe." Dr. Alkeas murmured, "She's not susceptible to any of the risks. I've checked her myself; her blood pressure is fine, she wasn't complaining of swelling or vomiting. Although it could be a very unpredictable onset." He said, as we walked in to Addison who was hooked up to an ultrasound and several other machines._

_Addison and Derek were looking at the machine in fear. "He's stopped moving." Addison whispered, and her voice faltered. "Get me some magnesium sulfate!" She ordered, pointing at my friend, West who was an intern at the hospital. West looked worried because he not only was well acquainted with me, but also with Addison and Derek. Derek held Addison._

"_Take her blood pressure." Dr. Alkeas ordered._

"_200/130," I remember the words striking fear to my heart, and Addison was barely moving anymore. She lay on the bed, still clutching Derek's hand, but looking only at the ultrasound._

"_Put her on pitocin." Dr. Alkeas ordered yet again, and kneeled down beside Addison. "We're going to do everything we can, okay Addie? You know the drill." I remember Dr. Alkeas had never before referred to Addison as Addie before. Before I knew it, Addison was on the verge of losing consciousness, and Derek and I were pushed to the corner of the room. I could see tears in Derek's eyes. "Her placenta has ruptured!" Alkeas told West, "We're going to have to prep her for an emergency C-section." _

"_What?" Derek asked, losing the doctor in him, for fear of the loss of his son's life. "But she's only thirty weeks along."_

"_We've done this surgery on women who were earlier in their gestational period, Dr. Shepherd." Dr. Alkeas said._

"_W-we have to." Addison said weakly, her lips barely forming the words. "I-it's his only chance."_

_It was all a blur from then on. Derek and I threw on scrubs, and rushed into the OR. Usually when I walked into an OR, I was nervous, but the kind of excited nervous where you're just itching to do something, to fix something. Now, it was a completely different feeling. I just hoped my sister and her son would be alive by the end of it. Derek was the same way. Usually he was the one in control, and now he was far from it. He was helpless to what was happening with his wife and unborn child. We were no longer professionals, but the family of the patient, which is any doctor's fear. _

_We watched Addison, as she fought to stay conscious, and fought to watch the birth of her son. I knew it had to be the hardest for her. She was the neonatal surgeon. She was the expert. She was expected to be a paragon of healthy deliveries everywhere. Addison was supposed to know. The worst part was, she did know. She knew what could happen, she knew the procedure, the risks, and she was trying so hard not to be scared. This kind of thing happened to her patients everyday, but now, as she was experiencing it, she also experienced the feelings that came with it, not the feelings that came with treating it. _

_Derek stood by her side, whispering reassurances in her ear. He kissed her forehead, and held her hand. I was on the other side of her, and for once I didn't want to see the procedure. I wasn't interested in this surgery. I just wanted her to be okay. I closed my eyes, and concentrated only on Addison who was squeezing my hand with a weak, yet somehow firm grip. I watched as she didn't say a word, or express any signs physical pain, but the tears streaming down her cheeks told me everything._

Addison also seems to be reliving the moment as the digital clock informs us that its 3:32 AM. I grasp her hand, under the cold sheets, and she grasps back, not saying a word. She snuggles into the crook of my neck, her eyes open, trained on the clock.

"It never stops, does it?" I ask her.

She wipes her eyes with the side of her wrist and shakes her head. "I keep wishing that he d-died… That he died before, instead of later." She chokes out. "I'm so selfish."

I feel the tears blur as I face her, my eyes on hers. "If he died before he was born, you would've never gotten to meet him." I take a breath, "But you're not selfish."

"I am. And then, I ignored my own pregnancy; I ignored my own pregnancy for work. And he got sick."

"First of all, that does not mean you're selfish, it means you're selfless. You saved other people. And it's not your fault that he died. It happens. You know as well as I do. We're doctors, we have to know that. Sometimes we do all the right things, know all the things we need to know, and things still don't end up right. Addison, I've told you this before, and I'm going to tell you again, it's not your fault."

She looks at me, her clear eyes probing. "It is my fault." Addison still watches the clock, her eyes frozen. "I wanted to believe it was all going to be okay. And after awhile— when I knew— that he wasn't going to be okay… Well I just thought it couldn't happen to me. I had Derek and I was smart. I could fix his problems. Damnit I should've been able to fix him! I tried to prepare myself for the day he would leave us, but I couldn't. I watched him get sicker everyday. By the time he said his first word, he was hooked up to six machines. Six goddamn machines! He loved me, because I was his mother. And he was so little. He was too little to realize he shouldn't have loved me. Because I was… I was too… Oh Goddamnit." Her shoulders are shaking in my hands, and I gently wipe the tears from her eyes. Her anger spills out quietly, like a boiling kettle, but eventually it explodes. It explodes because she's done. She's quit. Maybe that's a good thing. "I knew he was going to die. We all knew it. And I couldn't help him. I had to watch him, like I watched every other patient… Just lie there in bed and waste away. There— there was nothing I could do. And Derek was angry with me, because he knew it was my fault too. Everyone knew it was my fault. I could see it in their eyes, Rach sometimes, I swear, I saw you thinking the same thing." I open my mouth to say otherwise, but she shakes her head. "And I couldn't blame you, because you were right. And Derek was right. He still is right." She trembles more, and now there are tears spilling openly down my cheeks. We sob together as the stunted sounds fill the room. "A-and I ran away. Derek did too, but you and Mark didn't. You and Mark stayed in his room reading him stories, and playing make-believe games until the end. You and Mark were there to kiss him goodnight when things got too hard for me, because I couldn't handle it. I fucking couldn't handle it, Rachelle. What good was I?" Her voice is low and shaky. "What the FUCK good am I?" She yells, and the bed seems to shake under us.

Mark was in the doorway, watching her, tears streaking his face too. He almost seems afraid to move, as if he's physically stuck to the edge of the doorway. "You're good. In fact, you're amazing."

"I forgot you were here," Addison says disdainfully.

He doesn't move an inch. I feel like I'm in the middle of a minefield. "Addison, I never once blamed you for Brandon's death. Not once did that thought ever enter my mind." He sees the grand roll of Addie's eyes and says, "Ads, you know me. I wouldn't lie to spare your feelings."

"Fuck you," She whispers, and almost growls.

"Thank you." He says, taking a step closer to her, still clad in nothing but his boxer shorts. Mark looks her straight in the eye. "You were his mother. Addie. You seem to have forgotten that. You seem to have forgotten all the times when you _were_ there, holding him. Addison, you held on to him, even when he wanted to let go. You loved him. You were about to quit your job for him."

"No." She says, shakily. "I wasn't really there for him. Maybe it looked like it… but… I wasn't."

"Everyday you were there, watching him. Sometimes…" He breaks down and punches the wall. "Fuck, Addie! You don't know what you do to me! What you did to me then! I watched you with him. There was nobody he loved more, not even Derek. He looked at you in _that way_. I could never do what you did. I could never even begin to understand how you stayed, and don't you fucking say you didn't stay by his side, because you did! You may have been scared, and you had every right to be! But you never left his side."

I close my eyes, pretending I'm anywhere but here. I'm with Diego, making out the Bahamas. I'm with Kayla having cocktails, and lamenting about life. Addison and I are shopping in New York, pre-everything. I beg for those colored pencils I've been eyeing for a year. She rolls her eyes, but drags me in the art store, demanding what kind of colored pencils would ever be worth thirty-six dollars. I'm with Addie, teaching her how to draw. She teaches me everything else, but I teach her how to draw. She's holding the white paper up to her eyes, drowning in it. She begs for help. I feel smug.

Her voice destroys my happy images. "I needed to be brave and I wasn't."

I'm pulled back to one moment in the closet, about eighteen years ago. Dad had another one of his attacks. I was the object of his fury, and Addison ran out of his way, leaving him to me. It was later, when I was cowering in the closet, that Addie came in and pulled me into her arms. "I needed to be brave and I wasn't." She said, embracing me. After that she promised me she would protect me forever.

I'm jolted back to reality, and realize that Mark has made it to the bed. Addie's sobbing and shaking, and Mark's there, "I'm not going to tell you it's okay, because it's not okay. It will never be okay that your baby died. But," He stops. "But if you want I'll be there when you're not okay. I'll be there to tell you that you are…" He looks at me, and I give him a teary smile. "Great. You and Rach are fucking great. You're the best." He sits on the bed, with a slight bounce. "And Brandon was an amazing kid. He was smart. And he loved you, and we all loved him." I can tell this is hard for him, as Addie just stares through him, remembering Brandon.

"You had a nickname for him." She says, wiping her eyes. "What was it?"

"Bean. Jumping bean. He was a pretty hyper kid when he wasn't in the hospital."

She smiles through the tears. "Yeah. I remember." I want to go and leave them to themselves, but Addie has fierce grip on my arm, and her nails are digging into my skin. "He loved you." She says, nodding. "He thought you were the coolest." I close my eyes and try to remember him when he was one. He was a pretty happy kid, even when he was hooked up to machines and operated on. He had Derek's wavy dark hair and tiny smile, and Addison's everything else. He was always pointing to everything around him, eager to learn. It was his way of asking. Mostly we taught him about the hospital equipment, because even at one and a half, he liked machines. He also loved leggos. For his first birthday, Derek got him this gigantic leggo set (the big kind) that built a huge fire truck. I remember Derek, Mark and Brandon working side by side, Derek guiding Brandon's hand to the right pieces. I remember after eating his big chocolate cake (which he got all over his face), and building his fire truck, he fell asleep in Derek's lap, his head on Derek's chest. A week later, he started having chest pains.

"I loved him too." Mark whispers, and he lays his hand over hers.

"I'm sorry I said I hate you. I don't, not really." She says, giving him a slight smile, and then her expression changes, "Shit." Addie groans, bringing her hand to her mouth, and somehow managing to run to the bathroom. Mark follows her.

I lie back on her bed, and don't notice as I drift into a dreamless sleep.

The alarm rings at six in the morning. The first thought that runs through my pounding head is _thank god it's Friday_. I sit up, noticing the rain falling in thick sheets outside, and then fall back onto my pillow with a crash. A second later, I manage to drag myself out of Addison's bed, barely able to fight the sleep that threatens to conquer my eyes.

I hear Mark's gravelly voice in the bathroom. Great. How the hell am I going to take a shower? I knock on the door, my eyes half shut.

"Hold on." Addison's voice rings out. Great. They're in there together.

Addison comes out of the bathroom in a black pencil skirt and white button down top. Her hair looks perfectly blow-dried and straight. She gives me a little glare that says _don't you dare think that Mark and I slept together last night_. Or, at least I hope that's what the glare says. As much as I love Mark, I don't think Addison should be sleeping with anyone right now.

Mark is brushing his teeth in the bathroom, shirtless. As much as I appreciate the toned bod, I'd rather not have to deal with it very early in the morning. "Hello." He says, spitting in the sink and showing me his pearly whites.

"Hey." I say, eyes downcast. I am _so_ not in the mood for Markisms right now. "Will you get out? I need to take a shower."

"Hey, be nice. We let you sleep longer." Mark laughs, and I hit him with a rolled up towel.

"Get out. I need to shower."

He puts his hands up in the air, as if I am a cop who is about to hand out an arrest warrant. "Don't hurt me," He says, trying in vain to suppress his laughter. I give him the finger, as he playfully slams the door behind me.

I start the shower, loving the soothing feel of the warm water against my skin. I take a deep breath, remembering last night. "Happy birthday, Brandon." I whisper into the quiet roar of the falling water and steam.

When I get out of the shower, Addison's eating granola, and Mark has ordered scrambled eggs, making good use of the room service. One of Mark's hands rests on Addison's, while the other holds a newspaper up to his face. Addison doesn't seem to mind this delicate display of affection.

"Why the leisurely breakfast? Don't we have to get to work at seven this morning?"

Mark smirks "No surgeries 'til ten. Livin' the good life."

I roll my eyes, but a chair up to the mini table and grab a handful of dry granola. "Well _I_ have to be in by 7:30, or else Bailey's gonna kill me."

"Ouchhh." Mark says.

Addison rolls her eyes too, "Don't worry, we'll get you in by 7:15."

"You mean I have to be at the hospital earlier than I need to be?" Mark whines.

"Hey, you chose to come back here last night." Addie says, crunching loudly on the cereal. Mark shrugs, and Addie removes her hand from his.

"I didn't know you cared enough to read the newspaper." I say, grabbing more granola.

"I don't." He says, and throws me the page he's been reading. The comics. "I could… But I already get so much depressing stuff at work."

"Ugh," Addison complains, "I hate Seattle. The rain's going to mess up my hair."

I raise an eyebrow at her. "I'm totally going to ignore how shallow you just sounded there."

She shrugs and goes on, "And you cannot believe what it does to my shoes."

"Dude," Mark laughs, "Why do you even wear those uncomfortable pointy looking things to work?"

Addison tries to look dignified, "Because they're pretty." We're all laughing at the comical banter that somehow feels natural to us, but I feel as if we're all lying. We were all in this room last night. We're aware of the sadness and emotional baggage that today brings.

**Yeah so I promise you in a few chapters things will be comical again… More light stuff! Blame this chapter on the play Shadowbox. They did it at my school and it was amazing… But VERY sad, so when I got home I decided to write angsty fanfic. Uhhh, next chapter will involve Addison and Derek talking, be interested, be very interested… **

**THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS!!! **


	8. Part 8

**Okay, so my tragic story is that, I'm STILL in school. Its annoying, especially since all my good friends are currently on vacation. And tomorrow I have this super hard chemistry test that I don't exactly understand, and a fun history in which, the stuff I need to know… Well I haven't yet become acquainted with it yet. Aka, I haven't studied. SO I'm updating this little story instead of doing work. **

**Guys, I'm so glad you liked last week's chapter, and that it seemed to evoke emotion. Thanks for all the reviews and comments, they make me happy!**

**I think this chapter has the perfect amount of Mark and Derek evenness, so I'm doing a little compromise to make you guys happy… I know, I couldn't resist.**

It's another day at the hospital. I've only been here for a day so far, and already it's stressing me out. After Addison leaves for her first patient, Mark quickly approaches me.

"So?" I ask him.

"Last night." He says, "Was good. Not good, but it was good for the Addison and Mark side of things."

"What happened after I so stupidly fell asleep?"

"Nothing. That's the beauty of it. She puked, I held her hair back, and then she took a shower… And I sort of helped her."

"Don't want to hear about _that_." I say, making a face.

"It wasn't anything. I mean, she was pukey, and she could barely stand up so I helped her."

"Did she cry?" I ask Mark.

"Yeah." He says quietly.

"Did she talk more about Brandon?"

He shakes his head. "She just told me how stupid she felt."

"Which I hope you assured her that she wasn't."

"Of course."

I smile at him. "You did a good job last night. You're actually a sweet guy. How come I didn't know that before?"

He grins back. He wouldn't be able to stop grinning, even if he tried. "I'm a man of mystery." He says, and looks at his watch. "You're late. Want me to talk to Bailey for you?"

"Uh, I'm gonna say no. I'm assuming Bailey hates people that get special treatment because of their doctor friends. Am I assuming right?"

Mark shakes his head and grabs me, leading me into the locker room. "You know what they say about people who assume…"

I roll my eyes, "Please do not finish that overused cliché."

He almost pushes me through the door Bailey glares when I stumble in. "It's about time, Montgomery." She says.

Mark steps forward, "Excuse me Dr. Bailey, I just needed to borrow Dr. Montgomery for a few minutes. You understand." He says suavely. The interns— especially Meredith stare in awe.

"No I don't understand," Bailey snaps, "Could you tell me what exactly you needed her for, since you're not wanted in the OR until ten? Don't tell me it was a personal thing. I _hate_ personal things, Dr. Sloan."

He shrugs, giving her an easy smile. "Alright, it was a personal thing, but it had to do with someone's welfare, and it was my fault. I told Dr. Montgomery that if she didn't help me, I would have her fired, so really, you'll have to blame me, Miranda."

She rolls her eyes at him, "Don't you call me Miranda." And turns to me, "Never listen to him again."

I nod quickly, glaring as Izzie giggles. "I will be sure of that, Dr. Bailey."

"Alright." Bailey says, shooing Mark out of the room. Mark winks at me, then leaves. "Yang, Pit. O'Malley, Shepherd. Montgomery, Shepherd." I hear giggles at this. Ha. Ha. Like Montgomery-Shepherd, which no longer exists. I swear these people have absolutely no sympathy. Luckily the giggling stops when Bailey gives the evil eye. "Grey, Montgomery, Stevens, shadow Grey, Karev, Sloan." She pauses, "You got that?"

"Pit?" Yang mutters, looking as if she's going to kill someone. "Can't you assign me to anyone? What about Burke?"

"Burke doesn't need an intern today." Bailey says, in a sort of ominous way.

"What?" Christina asks, "Burke always needs an intern. Oh come on, I'll even take Dr. Torres." Bailey turns on her heal, obviously ignoring Yang's comment, and leaves.

"Dude," Alex approaches me, as I'm self-consciously putting on my scrubs. "What were you doing with Sloan?"

I roll my eyes, "We were fucking," I say, sarcastically. I can hear Meredith suppressing a giggle; Yang coughs. O'Malley (now cool enough to be known as George) looks like he's choking.

"I would be supremely jealous if you were," Izzie says, putting her arm around my shoulder. Thank god there is one nice person around here.

"No seriously," I grin, "We are." I shrug my shoulders, "You don't believe me? Ask him." I'm about to leave the now quiet room, but I get a better idea. I approach Grey. "Don't mess with Addison today," I tell her, basking in the newfound strength. She seems to cower beneath me. God is she small. "She's gonna be on the warpath."

As George and I walk out, Meredith looks totally and utterly defeated. I'm doing my job.

I can feel George's heated stare on my face as we walk up the stairs. "Geooorge. Earth to Geooorge." I wave my hand in his face. "What's all the staring for?"

"What staring?" George asks, as we enter the Alicia's room. Derek is holding Alicia's chart, and talking to her father.

Derek smiles, not so warmly at me, and then motions at Alicia's father. "Mr. Howe, These are my interns, Dr. O'Malley, and Dr. Montgomery. They will be helping with Alicia's case. I'm sure you'll find them to be very resourceful young doctors."

Mr. Howe stares at us with a worried look on his face. "Hi." He says, nodding his head. "So what's wrong with Alicia?"

Derek adjusts the stethoscope that is coiled around his neck. "Your daughter has been diagnosed with encephalitis which is a viral inflammation of the brain."

A terrified look crosses Mr. Howe's face. "My daughter's brain is inflamed?"

"Yes, but we are giving her medicine that should stop the swelling of the brain. There is some bleeding, but there is a fairly simple procedure that we can perform to stop that."

Mr. Howe is clearly outraged. "You act like this is all routine! It may be for you, but it isn't for me! This is my daughter, my daughter we're talking about!"

Derek nods, remaining calm. "I know, and she's in very good hands, trust me."

"You don't know! Do you have any children?" Mr. Howe asks, his face turning a dark purple. This is not a good day.

"Da-ad," Alicia whines.

There is a pursed and unreadable look on Derek's face, "No, I don't." He says quietly.

"Well then how would you know what I'm going through? I bet you don't even care in the least bit, as long as you get paid."

I try to lock eyes with Derek, but he ignores my gaze, "Look, I know you're concerned about your daughter, and I know it's gotta be hard… But you need to know; she's going to be okay. She's going to be okay, and you're lucky for that."

Mr. Howe just shakes his head, "I hate doctors."

I want to go up to this Howe dude and tell him the truth. I want to tell him the truth just so that he'll shut his mouth and feel bad.

An hour later I'm alone talking to Alicia, while Derek and George are outside with Alicia's father, showing him some CT scans.

"Sorry about my dad," Alicia grins a little sheepishly.

"It's okay. He loves you, he has every right to be worried about you." I say, taking her blood pressure as a precaution.

"Yeah but he had no right to be talking to Dr. Shepherd like that." Alicia shrugs.

"True." I say. "So Alicia, I have a question to ask you, and I'd really like you to be honest with me, cause this could help us find out what type of encephalitis you have."

"There are different types?" She asks, biting her nails.

"Yeah. So, um, I need to know if you're sexually active."

A blush comes across Alicia's face. "Uh. I'm not comfortable with answering that question."

"So you are."

"What do you mean? I didn't tell you yes or no." Alicia protests, her cheeks burning.

"I was a teenager once too."

"So I what if I am, what about it?"

"So," I say, watching her face, "Did you ever get checked for STDs?"

Alicia buries her face in her pillow, "Why do I have an STD?" Alicia's asks; her voice is muffled.

"No. But see, we ruled out most other things, and a type of encephalitis can be caused by genital herpes and sometimes syphilis. Having that kind of encephalitis is also more likely to cause brain hemorrhages, and we really need to know this before administering medication." I say in one breath, feeling immensely awful for this girl. She's silent for a while, but when she emerges from her pillow, tears are streaking her face. "Did you want the sex?" I ask her, cautiously.

She breaks down even more, "Well y-yeah I-I think so." She looks up at me. "I-I really didn't want daddy to know that I had herpes, and my older sister's friend works at a clinic… So I went there… And yeah."

I place my hand over hers. "Thanks for being honest."

"Yeah, well, are you going to tell my dad?" She sniffles.

Oh god, here comes the hard part. I've never been in a situation like this. "Well, I kinda have to."

"No!" She yells, "You can't! No! I-I'll tell him you're lying! He won't believe you! He hates doctors!"

"Look, Alicia, your father needs to know what's going on with you. Look, if it was legal or even okay for me to keep this from your father, I would, because I understand how you're feeling, but this concerns your health."

She looks down at the ground, "Why the hell does this stuff always happen to me?"

"Hi Derek." I walk into Derek's office where he is concentrating on some paperwork.

Derek doesn't look up at me. "Great job on the Howe case today, Rachelle."

I clear my throat. "Thanks." I walk over to him, and look over his shoulder. "I'm so sorry." I say quietly.

He swivels around in his chair. "Don't be." He says, a slight frown on his face. "I'm sorry if I've been acting cold towards you, but today's been stressful. My first surgery was at five, and the guy died on the table."

I place my hand on his shoulder. "Oh, so it's that kind of day."

"Yes." Derek whispers. His eyes are back on the paperwork.

"Well," I say, turning on my heel, "I guess I should get lunch."

He turns around again, "No, wait." He takes a breath. "How was Addison last night?"

"What do you mean?"

"I heard she got terribly drunk." Derek says, looking quite serious.

I sigh, "Well to be honest, she was not good."

"Rach," He lets his gaze slide to the ceiling. "Was she…?"

"Was she what?"

Derek clears his throat, "Was she sad?"

"Derek," I start, "Of course she was sad. She still is." Derek rummages through one of the drawers in his desk. He pulls out a framed picture and hands it to me. The picture is of Brandon, looking straight at the camera. He looks serious, his blue eyes large. He's standing in the middle of the room, grasping something unrecognizable in his tiny fingers. His dark hair curls out in all directions. Derek's hand rests on his son's shoulder. Derek is cut off, so only his arm makes a physical debut. In this picture, Brandon looks exactly like Derek, from the stoic expression, to the wavy black hair. "He was so handsome." I say. "Spitting image of you."

Derek gives me a tiny smile, "Nah, he was always the spitting image of Addie, look at those eyes." He strokes the picture lovingly.

"Well, maybe he was the perfect mix of both of you." I whisper.

Derek grabs something from inside of his mini fridge. He brings out a tiny chocolate cake that says happy birthday in messy blue icing. "I couldn't figure out the right way to say happy birthday," He starts, staring at the picture, "But I know he loved chocolate, so I figured I'd start with that."

I smile at him, and give him a hug, as he sets the cake down on the table. "I think that's a good way to start."

He smiles at me, but now he's all choked up, "Really?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"So, what do we do now?" Derek clears his throat, "Do we uh, eat it?"

"Probably. And well, maybe we show it to Addison first?"

He looks instantly terrified at the prospect, "Maybe."

"Do you want me to get her?"

"She won't want to come." He says, staring at Brandon's chubby little face.

"Yes she will." I pause, "Do you know Addison has that exact same picture of Brandon in her office?"

"No." He says, "No, I didn't know that."

"And the reason she chose that particular picture to showcase, instead of the one where his face is all covered in chocolate, or the one where he's wearing bright pink sunglasses… Well, it's because in that picture, he looks exactly like you."

**So I've already written the next part (a result of procrastination in schoolwork) so it should be up soon. It's pretty sad, but there is a little bit of Addison and Derek talking… Anyways, hope you enjoyed.**


	9. Part 9

**My holiday present to my awesome reviewers… An extra long chapter. (Also because there has been a severe LACK of Grey's lately…) Enjoy ;-)**

Before I know it, I'm striding down the halls of Seattle Grace. My destination: the maternity ward. I meet Addie who is finishing up with a patient. Dr. Grey looks at me quizzically.

"Hi," I say, feeling significantly awkward, "Dr. Montgomery, do you have a few minutes to spare?"

Addie furrows her brow, "Well, yeah, I have lunch in about two seconds, so if you want to stay while we finish up here…"

"Sure." I say, watching as Addie mouths _what's up _to me.

_Nothing._ I mouth back. I watch and realize that this woman is Addie's preeclampsia patient. Her name is Marilyn Landry. "Hi," Marilyn says, catching me by surprise so that I jump a little.

"Hi," I say back.

"I'm Marilyn," She rubs her stomach protectively.

"I'm Dr. Montgomery."

Marilyn looks confused, "Two Dr. Montgomery's?" She asks, probably thinking we're lesbians or something.

"Yeah," Addie smiles, "She's my sister."

Marilyn raises her eyebrow, "Oh."

"Alright, Ms. Landry, you look fine today, your blood pressure has dropped significantly, so it looks like we won't have to induce labor as we thought. You should be very happy."

Marilyn takes a deep breath, "I really am."

Grey smiles and takes Marilyn's chart away. Addie pats Marilyn on her shoulder, "Alright, Ms. Landry, I'm going to leave you now, but if you need me, just push this button right here, okay?" Addie points to the emergency button.

"Okay." Marilyn says, patting her stomach.

Addie smiles at her once more before leaving. Unfortunately, it seems that Meredith is going in the same direction as us— to Derek's office. When she notices us at the door (of course she thought we were going to Addison's office which, is in the same vicinity), she blushes.

"Come in," Derek says.

Addison looks at Meredith, "You go in first."

Meredith shrugs, opens the door, and reveals Derek standing up in front of a birthday cake complete with the four lit birthday candles. He frowns when he notices Meredith, and frowns even more when he sees Addison. "Meredith." He says.

"D-Derek," She stammers, "I-I… Whose birthday is it?"

Derek looks incredibly puzzled at how to answer, so I fill in. "It… It's his sister Nancy's; we were all going to celebrate here… You know, tradition."

I pray that she doesn't find the picture. "Oh," She says, more confused than ever, "I'll just leave then." She seems equally as surprised when no one insists that she should stay. She shuts the door lightly behind her, and I tiptoe up to the door to make sure she's not eavesdropping.

Addie looks shell-shocked. "What's all this?" She asks, timidly.

Derek looks at her, his blue eyes shining, from tears and exhaustion. "I-I wanted to celebrate his birthday, so I bought a cake."

Addison watches the candles as they flicker. "You got his favorite."

"Yeah, I did."

Addison peers at the picture of Brandon that is now set up on Derek's desk. "I didn't know you kept this picture here. What if people ask?" She asks him, tossing a piece of red hair out of her face.

"I don't know, I just put it there, but I decided I would keep it there."

"What if people ask?" Addison whispers, picking the picture up and holding it against her chest.

"I'll tell them."

"You'll tell them what exactly?" Addison's voice wavers, "That he's our dead son?"

Derek looks uncomfortable. The candles are burning low, almost touching the frosting of the cake.

"How bout we blow those out and make a wish for Brandon?" I suggest.

Addison's eyes are filled with tears, she nods and we blow the candles out, all three of us together. I wish for a tricycle for him, because I'm sure if he were here now, on his fourth birthday, he would want that too. Or maybe he'd want some legos.

"Wait," Addie whispers, "I have to get something," And she dashes out of the room. She comes back quickly with a leather bound baby book in her arms. She brushes the cover, and a thin layer of dust permeates the air. In gold letters are the words _Brandon Maxwell Shepherd, first years of life_. _Only years of life_, I want to add.

We all squeeze onto the tiny couch, me in the middle, because of the tense couple issues in the room. I hold the book on my lap, and open to the first page.

The first picture is of Brandon in his tiny isolette. He's got tubes hooked up all over him. He's about five days old, and less than two pounds. Addison is standing in back looking absolutely exhausted and heart wrenching. One of her hands is placed lovingly on the plastic of the isolette. Her eyes are rimmed red, and her hair is frizzy in a most unnatural way. Real life Addison can barely look at the picture.

In the next photo, Brandon is a little bigger, but still in the NICU. Derek is facing the camera, with his hands placed in the little holes of the isolette. The smile on his face is cracked and staged.

We look through pictures and pictures with hopeful captions such as _it looks like Brandon's getting stronger today_ or_ the NICU nurses are hopeful that Brandon will come home in a week._

Addison smiles at a photo, where Brandon is finally healthy enough to be out of his isolette. In this picture he is still tiny, but he's swaddled up in Addie's arms, a dark head of hair contrasting against Addie's light blue hospital gown. In the picture, Addie has a gigantic grin on her face.

We don't say a word, flipping through the next few pages, where Derek, and Addie are lying with Brandon on the bed in their brownstone. Addie is stroking his tiny head, but he's still got little portable tubes stuck inside him. The next few pictures are more painful, the days before Brandon's surgery. There's a picture with Brandon, and me. I look worried. It was taken about two days before the cardiologist installed a shunt into his heart. I remember the millions of ounces of juju that were consumed before that surgery.

Addison skips over those pictures, too painful for her to look at. She skips ahead to the pictures where Brandon is bigger, about eight months old. Addie is holding him, and he's grinning. He's got his own distinct personality in these pictures, he's silly, and smart, and he adores his mom and dad. Addie watches with tears in her eyes, and I can feel that she and Derek are both crying. I am too.

There's Brandon and Mark. Mark has Brandon draped over his shoulder, and Brandon is laughing hysterically in his adorable way. His face is round and chubby, and he looks more like Addison than anyone, with his clear no-nonsense stare, and his grin. Mark looks giddy, almost like a proud uncle.

Then there's a picture of Brandon and me. Brandon must be almost a year here. We're both lying belly down on the floor of the family room, and drawing, both our heads tilted up towards the camera. I remember that Brandon was drawing that picture for his 'mama', and that it was of a brave lion.

On the next page, there's a beautiful glossy studio shot of Brandon, wedged between Addison and Derek. Derek has his arm draped over Addison's shoulder, and they look like they're in love. The whole family's blue eyes shine clear, almost too blue for the picture, Addison's red hair is shocking, and Derek looks like he's a male model. Both Addison and Derek gaze only at Brandon who, in return, looks back up at his parents with complete adoration. They look like the perfect family against the pure white background.

The real life Addison and Derek look at eachother for a second. It's crazy how big of a lie a picture can paint. If I were any old person, looking at that picture, I'd be envious… I'd probably ill wish them, because they were so perfect.

"It snowed that day." Derek recalls, his eyes probing Addison's.

"I remember." Addison whispers, her eyes still on the picture.

"It was a first snow. Absolutely beautiful. White everywhere. We promised we would take him sledding."

Addison turns away from Derek, "We didn't take him sledding." Her voice hitches, and I rest my hands on her shoulder.

"I keep thinking that we took him sledding that day. Rach, we took him sledding didn't we?" Derek stays strong, just like the curly haired boy in the photos.

I try to think, even though I know the answer. They didn't take him sledding that day. They were simply too busy; too scared. "Well, you were worried. His heart was weak then… And you didn't want to take any chances." My voice spills out a little quickly.

"How could we not have taken him sledding that day?" Derek asks.

Addison shrugs. "I don't know. I just don't know."

It's a few minutes before Addison starts crying openly, her shoulders wracking with heavy sobs. Derek looks at her in some kind of surprise, and then sorrow. He watches her face as she breaks down, totally and completely. He reaches over me and puts one hand on her thigh, to show her that he's there. Derek wipes away at the tears streaming down his own face, and looks at me, wondering what to do next.

I get up, not knowing what to do either. "Do you want some time alone?" I ask them.

Addison shakes her head and sobs louder. "No. Please no."

I sigh, in deference. "Well you know what guys? I don't know what to tell you, because neither of you are talking. You're sitting there, looking at pictures— a big step for you guys, I'll give you that— but you're not talking. You need to talk. You guys are like children. How the hell do you communicate? Derek, I always knew you were an excellent brain surgeon, but I never knew that you mastered telepathy!" I am vaguely aware that I am freaking out, which only causes Addison to sob harder. She rests her head in her hands.

I look at Derek, aware that Addison is too far-gone to start talking. He looks back, almost challenging me. "Addison," He starts.

She gives him an icy stare, her eyes red, and her hair messy. "What?" She practically spits.

He takes a breath, looking at me for reassurance. I nod back at him. "Four years ago today, we had a son." He looks at the floor. "We named him Brandon Maxwell. Brandon, after my dad, and Maxwell, after your favorite uncle." He scratches the back of his neck and rests his hand over Addie's shaking body. He tries to steady her. He's being pretty goddamn caring right now. It almost makes me respect him again… Almost. "When he was born he was two pounds, one ounce. H-he had a lot of trouble breathing. He had heart arrhythmias. We found out his DA wasn't closed, and then the medication didn't help, because he had a complicated case. He had surgery, and we thought he was okay until he started having more heart problems when he was one and four months." Derek is barely aware that as he's saying all this, he's moving closer and closer to Addison who is just staring at him, her face unreadable. "H-he was," Derek turns to me. "It's so much easier to talk about it in medical terms…" He takes another breath. "He was really sick, but you and I did what we could."

Addison shakes her head. "We didn't do enough."

"Addie," He whispers, "We did everything we could."

She almost gets up but falls back. "Oh god, I have a headache."

Derek grasps her shoulders, "We did everything we could."

"Y-you don't think so." Addison shakes, "Derek." The room seems to get darker as the sun shifts in the sky, changing the flow of light that shines through the window. "It was my fault."

"Addie, no."

I feel like an outsider in a world in which I don't belong. I feel like I shouldn't be here, but I know I have to stay. I know I am the support of both Addison and Derek, and although it doesn't seem like they need me, they do. Well, I think they do.

Addison gives Derek a bitter smile, "I should've paid better attention to the pregnancy. That's what you think Derek! Admit it! That's what you've always thought!"

Derek shakes his head again, but both Addie and I know it's true. Or at least somewhat true. "That's not true!" Derek yells, his voice rising dangerously.

Addie laughs, but there is so much pain on her face, it almost hurts to look at her. "I should've seen my _illness_ before it came, because I am the foremost neonatal surgeon in the goddamn freaking country! I should've seen it, and _yes_ Derek! I agree with you! I should've seen it! And it's my fault! You're right Derek, you're right." I move in to hug her, but Derek stops me, forcing Addison to look at him.

"You couldn't have foreseen everything."

Her voice cracks, and the room gets darker still. "I was a bad mother."

Just when Derek is about to react, Addison's pager goes off. She whips it out of her pocket and gives it a stare. She stands up with admirable speed, and adjusts her lab-coat. "Preeclampsia emergency." She says, in a surprisingly sobering tone. Addison looks at Derek one last time, "Goodbye." She says briskly, and walks out.

He looks at me, his office totally dark now. "Does she really think that?"

"Yes," I tell him softly, and watch as he gets up and paces the room.

There is a confused look on Derek's face. "Can you… Can you tell me something?" Derek asks slowly, gazing out the window.

"What is it?"

"Why did Addison sleep with Mark?"

"Has it really just occurred to you to ask that question?" I ask softly, watching, as the sun seems to peak out from the clouds and shower light inside the room once again. "Things happened between you guys."

"Yes," Derek says.

"And you stopped loving her as much." Derek can't think of anything to say back to me, so I continue. "I lived there with you, I remember."

"_Rach, could you pass me the sesame chicken?" Addison asked, rubbing her tired eyes. She was unconsciously cutting a dumpling up into nineteen tiny pieces._

_I nodded, and handed her the greasy tub of chicken. I've always loved Chinese food. "Is Derek coming home in time for dinner?" I asked quietly, pretending to look around at the emptiness of the room. _

_Addison shrugged. "Maybe." I looked at her once, and she gave me a fake smile. "It's fine." She said, "I don't care." She looked so tired. She looked so sad._

_I was taking a bite of a chicken wing when I heard the front door open. Derek came in, draping his jacket over one of the chairs. "My craniotomy ended early." He said, and sat down in one of the wooden chairs._

_For a while, all I could hear was the munching of Chinese food and silence. I cleared my throat. "So… In class today we learned about The Glabellar Flap…"_

"_Interesting," Derek said, attempting to use his chopsticks. _

"_So work's been okay?"_

_Addison shrugged. Derek nodded, "Yes." He got up, "Speaking of…I have to go do some paperwork." He gave both Addie and me a kiss on the head and left._

"_He gave you a kiss." I told Addison._

_She rolled her eyes, "He gave you a kiss too."_

"_Addison…"_

"_The last time we had sex was three months ago."_

"_Oh."_

"_And it didn't really work, because I started crying, and he pushed me off of him." Addison looked miserable. _

"_Oh god." I whispered._

"_He's been home late the last two months, and we don't talk."_

"_You talk." I said, shoving another Peking ravioli into my mouth._

"_We don't talk. I'm invisible to him." Addie said simply. _

"_Can you like… Try to have sex with him tonight?"_

_Addison laughed bitterly, "I don't even want to." She stood up too, "I've gotta go 'do some work'." _

"_But you haven't finished your sesame chicken!"_

_She left the room. I was all alone in the middle of a pile of uneaten Chinese food and a marital conflict._

"I didn't stop loving her," Derek whispered, "I just… I couldn't be there for her. And after he died, I wouldn't let myself think about him, and seeing her just reminded me of him. And then, after she slept with Mark, it was even worse, and I couldn't take it anymore. I needed a breath of fresh air."

I nod, "And that breath of fresh air has no clue about Brandon, does she?" I ask, thinking of Meredith seeing the birthday cake.

"No one here except Richard knows about Brandon."

"The chief knows?" I ask, "How come I didn't know about this?"

"There was a medical conference in New York when Brandon had just turned one. We had Richard and Ellis Grey in for dinner." He shrugs.

"Ellis Grey? Is that…?"

"Meredith's mother."

"So Meredith's mother knows about Brandon, but not Meredith? Are they close?"

He kind of shrugs, "Her mother has Alzheimer's."

"Oh." I say, "That's sad."

"Yes." He nods, "It's very sad." There's a knock on the door. "Come in."

Bailey enters, "Why is my intern eating birthday cake in your office?" She demands.

"Miranda, Dr. Montgomery is my friend. There is nothing in the infamous "rulebook" that says we can't be friends." Derek gives me a small smile.

"Well I heard yelling, and the chief told me to go check on you for some godforsaken reason that he couldn't explain, so I'm here. What in God's name have you been yelling about?"

Derek laughs, "Everything's fine, Miranda."

She moves closer, "Was Addison in here?" She asks suspiciously, and leans over Derek's desk. To Derek's surprise, she picks up the picture of Brandon that has been gently lain down next to the cake. I sit on Brandon's baby book to hide it. "Who's this?" She asks.

Derek stands up and looks at the picture. "I-it's my nephew." He answers.

"Well your sister or brother must look a lot like you, because I swear this boy is the spitting image of you. Well," She says, looking Derek straight in the eye. "I should get to my patient. Stop yelling. Dr. Shepherd, you better find something for my intern to do soon, or else."

I inwardly laugh at how Bailey, the resident, bosses Derek, the attending, around. "Hey Dr. Bailey?" Derek asks, smiling.

"Yes?"

"Do you want a piece of cake?"

A few minutes later, and I get a page from Addison, telling me to come help her in surgery. I look at Bailey for validation, and she nods. "Go. Dr. Shepherd doesn't seem to need anything from you."

I look at Derek. "Make sure she's alright." He says, "Preeclampsia is tough." Bailey looks from me to Derek, obviously unsure if he's talking about Addison or the patient. Of course he's talking about Addison.

I run to the OR quickly, and put on a mask when I get there. Addison doesn't need me for surgery; she needs me for emotional support. When I enter the room, there is a look of relief on Addison's face. I stand right next to her, as she cuts open Marilyn Landry. Her hand is steady at her work, and her brow is furrowed in concentration. She asks Meredith a few questions, who answers them back quickly. The patient, Marilyn looks terrified, and there is no husband by her side to comfort her. I look at Addie, and move across the partition to Marilyn's side. I grab Marilyn's hand. She looks at me, surprised, for only a second, and then gives me a weak smile. "Thank you." She croaks. I nod.

I watch the procedure, my heart beating with every suture. Addison takes a tiny purple baby out and presses the wailing thing into Meredith's arms. Meredith promptly places it in the ready-isolette. Marilyn looks at her child with tears in her eyes, and grips my hand tightly. As Addison closes Marilyn up, I can see tears falling down her cheeks and wetting her blue surgeon's mask. Meredith's eyes are on Addison's face. Addison finishes the procedure, and examines the newborn child, "It's a girl." She rubs the baby with a special cream and cleans her off. "She's having an apnea spell." Addison says quickly. She motions to a nurse "Put her on theophylline." Addison places a breathing mask on the baby girl who weighs in at three pounds and two ounces. She's heavier than Brandon was.

"W-what's an apnea spell?" Marilyn asks, fearfully.

"It's when the baby stops breathing for a few seconds. It means the baby's brain isn't developed enough to successfully control breathing. Many premature children have these spells, and they're usually not very dangerous. It just means we have to keep an eye on the baby and keep her breathing continuously. Once her brain becomes better developed, these spells will stop." Addison says, watching as the baby begins to breathe again. "Marilyn, you rest, we need to take the baby to the NICU."

"I-I can't see my baby?" Marilyn asks, crying.

I put my hand on her shoulder, "Soon," I say, "Soon."

When Addison leaves with the baby, Meredith timidly approaches me. "Is she okay?"

"The baby's going to be fine," I tell her, a confused look most likely crossing my face.

"No. I mean, is Dr. Montgomery okay?"

I take my mask off, "She's fine." And I turn around to go find her.

The NICU has always been a hard place for me to be in. I don't understand how Addison does it; how she's in it day in and day out, watching the hopeful and not so hopeful couples, and helping them survive. She and Derek used to be one of those couples.

_The NICU was dark, and the whirring of the many machines was almost creepy. There were slight sounds of babies crying and hiccupping, and the low murmuring of mothers and fathers. Brandon Maxwell Shepherd, new to the world at six days old, lay almost motionless in an isolette. I looked around the room at all of the babies with tubes hooked up to them. Some were crying, some were wriggling impatiently, and some were cold still. One of the nurses came up to me, knowing I was Addison Shepherd's little sister. She helped me put my hands in the little holes designated for touching the sick baby. She smiled at me. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd will be glad you're visiting."_

_I shrugged, "Well, I wanted to see him."_

_She nodded, smiling down at him almost as if he was her own child. "He sure is a fighter. He's definitely got his parent's genes. I wouldn't be surprised if he grew up to be a surgeon." Here was the thing I didn't like about doctors: they were there, but they were only there to operate, and then they left. Nurses, however, knew their patients, conversed with them, and even formed bonds with them. Nurses were the ones you wanted to talk to about day-to-day things. Danielle Casemen was Brandon's primary nurse, and she knew everything about him. She was one of the sweetest girls I had ever met, and she was the only nurse who could properly comfort Brandon when he needed something. Plus she idolized Addison. _

_Danielle watched me as I gently stroked Brandon's baby soft skin. "Is he doing any better today?" I asked her cautiously._

"_Well, he's breathing a little better, but he is going to need surgery to close up his _**_ductus arteriosus." She said, handing me Brandon's chart. I scanned over it._**

**"_How's Addison?"_**

**_Danielle frowned a little bit, "It's hard. You know, I see so many hopeless parents here, but the thing is, none of them even know the exact logistics of what's going on with their babies. I never thought I'd say this, but they're lucky for their ignorance. Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd knows exactly what's going on with her baby, and it hurts her all the more."_**

**_I looked down at Brandon, who seemed so small in his isolette. He had a dark head of hair, and when he opened his eyes, they were a soft milky blue. I grazed my hand across his tiny little toes, causing him to wiggle a bit. His foot was two times smaller than my palm. "Is Addie resting now?"_**

**"_Actually, I was about to take her to visit Brandon." Danielle said, "How bout you stay here with the baby so he doesn't get lonely. I'll be back with your sister in a few minutes."_**

**_I gave Danielle a small smile, valuing how much she actually cared about my nephew. After she left, I knelt down next to the isolette. "Brandon, buddy, its Aunt Rach. You've got to get better." I whispered, stroking the hard plastic that surrounded him. "You are so little, and so loved. Do you know how much we all love you?" I smiled down at him, and put my hands back inside the little holes. I touched his tiny cheek. "You need to get big and healthy so your mama can hold you. You need to get healthier so that you can grow up to be taller than your daddy." I looked at a mother beside me who was singing a lullaby to her child, half sobbing. We regarded eachother quietly and looked away. "And your mommy, she'll be so happy when you're healthy. So you need to get healthy for your mommy." I paused. "And me, get better for me, because I need you, Brand." _**

_I watched Danielle wheel Addison right next to me. Addie was in her pink robe, her hair was sticking up in some places, and her eyes were watery. "Hi." She told me, looking only at Brandon. _

"_Hey." I told her, wrapping my arms around her. She was warm._

"_Thanks for coming to keep him company." She whispered to me._

"_No problem." I said. "Did you know Mark came in yesterday to visit him?"_

_Addie smiled vaguely, "Really? How nice of him." She wrapped her hand around her son's tiny foot. "Mommy's here." She cooed. _

_Derek came in after a few minutes of silence in the NICU. He wrapped his arms around Addison's waist and kissed her. He whispered everything and anything into her ear, and I knew it was time for me to slip away._

Now Addie is looking at Marilyn's daughter in the isolette. "Hi." I say. "Is she going to be okay?"

Addie smiles slightly, "Yes. She'll have to stay here until she gets up to five pounds, but it looks like she'll be fine."

"Thank god." I say quietly.

"I know. Mrs. Landry is a good woman; she doesn't deserve heartbreak. I mean no one does, but especially her. Her husband left without a word one day. The day after she found out she was pregnant." Addie strokes the baby's cheek, "You know, I don't know how I could've so much as survived without Derek."

"Yeah," I say, a little shakily.

"God, the way you helped Mrs. Landry today… It reminds me that I couldn't have survived without you either. I still don't know how I got by when you were gone. Sometimes I think you're the one being the older sister, and I'm the one being…" She looks at me seriously, her eyes moist. A few years ago, she would've never admitted this stuff to me. She would've found some way to let me know in silence.

I grab her hand, not caring that the NICU nurses are staring. "Addie…" I say, and hug her, my chin against her cold lab coat. "You know everything. You are my older sister and you always will be. You are one of the best doctors I've ever met and had the pleasure to study with. Hell, if you weren't my sister, I wouldn't even be a surgeon. You are always together, always polished, even when things go wrong. You know exactly what to say in any situation. You know exactly what to do. You've been my best friend since forever, and you've showed me how to live life. If I didn't have you, I'd be lost. So don't ever think that just because you're sad, or just because you need someone to lean on, you're not the older sister, cause you are. Seriously. I'm not lying. But you know, Addie, it's okay to lean on me. I'm more mature now. I can handle it, because I love you so much." I rant in one quiet breath and feel a lump rise to my throat. The nurses are all standing around whispering.

Addison wipes her eye quickly, trying not to let the tears fall for the thousandth time today. "I love you too." She says, and she continues monitoring baby Landry in gratitude and slight humiliation. Silence follows, although there are still the muffled cries of sick babies and the whispers of the nurses around us. "I just want to know," Addie says, after awhile, adjusting baby Landry's IV. "Does Mark have feelings for me?" She doesn't look up.

I roll my eyes. "What do _you_ think?"

She makes a weird noise, and then asks me to do something medical, which I do, but look at her expectantly afterwards. "Do you know that while we were together, he slept with someone else?" Ugh, Mark, not good, but also not a surprise in the least bit. She sighs at me, changing her mind, "I can't do this today."

**Hope you liked… Um, just in case you didn't get it before, I think that if Passive-Agressiva was a country… Not only would Addison be the queen, but Derek would definitely also be the king, and Mark just wouldn't live there. So I'm a little proud of "my" Derek for being less passive aggressive than he usually is. Hope it's not out of character…I have fun writing really angsty scenes… I think that's probably weird. Happy Holidays!**


	10. Part 10

**Ok yes, I know these past few chapters have been emotionally draining and sad, and maybe that's because I've been in a weird mood lately, I don't know, but slowly and surely they're getting happier. Okay, not exactly happier, but more heartfelt and less sad if you know what I mean.**

**Just a note… I am not a doctor so the medical information I've had in the past could be incorrect. However, about preeclampsia, in most cases it isn't too intense, especially if the woman who is pregnant is being monitored for it. Rarely, some cases will come basically out of nowhere and the only way to treat this kind of preeclampsia (if it is bad enough) is an immediate emergency c-section. I know, because one of my family friends has had this happen. If you want to read more about preeclampsia or hear about the stories that several women have gone through (sadly sometimes resulting in death or serious damage) go to: it is important to understand that Brandon's complications did not come from preeclampsia itself, it came from being extremely premature. Just thought I'd clear that up with you guys incase you were confused. Also I think Addie really blames herself, because preeclampsia can be monitored and pregnancies can usually go smoothly (although complications are very likely) and well, she's an OBGYN… (I vaguely have always wanted to become an obstetrician or pediatrician when I'm older which is how I know so much about this stuff… I've taken a child development course which educated about all this stuff… It's also why in most of my stories there is some kind of pregnancy or children involved subplot…) **

**Also another thing I'd like to explain is the lack of Meredith in this story. This story is written from Rachelle's point of view, so this is how _she_ sees Meredith. It isn't necessarily how Meredith is, and if you've noticed Meredith hasn't been doing much talking to Rachelle, which I think is what would happen in real life due to the awkwardness… But trust me, they'll talk soon.**

**One last thing (I know you're ready to kill me) if I had gotten into the habit of naming the chapters… This one would be called "Somewhere A Biological Clock Is Ticking." Actually, no, because that's cheesy, but it has to do with the chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's… Or Addison's glasses (but I wish I did)**

The whole day goes by kind of slowly, and I'm in a haze. I barely see the other interns, because I'm so busy with helping Addison, and after Addison lets me free, I have to do more consulting with Derek. Izzie and I have been chatting for a while, since Izzie is technically on the Landry case.

"Do you wanna come to Joe's with us tonight?" She asks me.

I suddenly feel guilty, "Actually, I probably shouldn't, not tonight, but thanks for inviting me."

She looks disappointed, "Do you have tomorrow off?"

I nod, "Yeah."

"Me too. You want to do something then?" I nod gratefully. Tomorrow I have off and Addie doesn't. Addie of course, has Sunday off, which I do too, at least, that's what Bailey told me. So I'm glad Izzie asked, otherwise I would sit around all day on my ass, which come to think of it, doesn't sound so bad.

I hope Izzie and I can become good friends, since I don't see much promise with the other interns. Our relationship is still in the awkward stage, where I don't quite feel comfortable with her, but I feel like maybe soon we'll be able to talk. Izzie nods, "So tomorrow we can probably hang at the house… Maybe we'll do something else, but I'm tired."

"Yeah," I say, "I'm tired too."

"And don't worry," she interjects, "Meredith won't be there." Of course. She lives with Meredith Grey. She's friends with Meredith Grey. Why does everyone have to be friends with Meredith Grey?

It's getting dark out and I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm about to go into the NICU to find Addison, when Mark approaches me. "How was your day, kid?"

The neon light in the hallway seems to flicker. "It was okay."

There's a sharp look on Mark's face, "How's Derek?"

"He's doing okay." I say, "You guys are the most pigheaded dudes on the planet, you know that right?"

"Yes, I know that." His face softens, "And how's Addison doing?"

"She's holding up well." I say.

He takes my arm, "So, Rach, have you made any new friends?" He asks, in a teasing sort of way.

I raise my eyebrows, ready to defend myself, "Actually I have. Izzie Stevens."

"Isobel Stevens… Hmmm, and here I thought you were going to be BFF's with Meredith Grey." He chuckles.

I scoff, "As if."

"Meredith Grey is actually a great person to get to know." Mark says in entire seriousness.

"Okay, this is not the type of thing that will win Addie's heart back."

He rolls his eyes, "Yes, you and Addie do have reason to hate her, but you don't actually know her. Have you ever thought about that? She's incredibly smart, and a nice human being. Imagine that!"

I laugh, "She's a ho."

"Even Addison treats her better than that." Mark laughs.

"What's with the sudden will to jump on the Meredith bandwagon?" I ask, curiously.

He shrugs, "She's just been where I've been. So I guess if you hate her, you hate me," He says, just as pigheaded as ever. Although, so am I.

"You're a ho too." I elbow him and he laughs. "I've got to go find Addie." I tell him. "By the way, I heard you slept with someone while you were with Addison."

"Didn't mean anything." He says, and waves at me, "Bye kid."

I quietly enter the NICU, which is giving off eerie hums and is very dark. I spot Addie leaning over baby Laundry's isolette. She's speaking to the child in low tones. I move closer to hear her.

"Hey beautiful," She's whispering to her, Addie's hand grazing the baby's cheek. "I am so glad you're okay." Addie coos, "So glad. You know, your mommy is going to be so happy to see that you're healthy. I'm so glad to see that you're healthy," She pushes back a piece of hair from her forehead, and continues, unaware that I'm right behind her. "You know, a long time ago I had a little baby just like you. He was a little smaller, and a lot sicker, but I loved him, just like I know your mother loves you. Sometimes I think I loved him too much. He was a really good baby, just like you are. I wish he was as healthy as you." She stops for a moment, almost unable to continue, "Nobody in the hospital knows about him, except for my family. I'm kind of glad no one here knows about him, because then they'd all look at me in this way." She sighs, "In New York they all knew. And they all looked at me in that way." She laughs, "Sometimes I wish I could be here with you all night long, where everything is simple." The room seems to echo with her lone voice. "I miss him. I want him back. I'll never have him back. I want a baby. I'll never have another baby." There's a faint sob at the back of her throat, but she tucks it back in, "Sorry. I shouldn't be crying. You're the one who should be crying, and I should be listening to you, not the other way around."

I turn around to leave, but she hears me. She whips around. "Oh god Rachelle! I didn't know you were here."

"Sorry," I say.

She's embarrassed. "How much did you hear?" She whispers.

"I didn't know you wanted to have another baby."

She shrugs, looking down at the floor, the glow of the machines casting a green tint to her face. "Well, we know that's not possible considering my situation."

I move closer to her, "But that doesn't mean it's never going to happen. Someday it'll happen for you."

"Who are you kidding, Rach? I'm getting old, and there'll never be a day when I'm ready for another baby." She says, and gets up, "Goodbye, cutie." she says, resting her hand near the baby's face one more time.

We ride home in silence. When we get back to the hotel, we are tired and beat. I know Addison doesn't want to do any more talking. She sits on her bed, her glasses perched over her nose just so, and reads paperwork.

I take my sketchbook out. I look through the old drawings. There are a few from Bolivia, of Kayla, of Camila the little Bolivian girl… I stop cold at the one of Diego. It's of him in his boxer shorts lying on one of the cots. Ironically, I've never been very good at capturing human anatomy, but I've always been very good at capturing emotion. Addison is the opposite.

Diego has a slight off-kilter grin on his face, which could be perceived as mischievous, but his eyes show a completely different emotion. The dark sketch lines of the pencil portray a small flicker, a love. I miss him, even though I was the one who broke up with him. I can't stand or even understand long distance relationships. Of course he wouldn't leave his precious clinic for me. How could I even have asked him that? There is that slight dimple in his chin that I love, and his dark hair is tousled. My fingers itch to pick up a pencil and start drawing.

I go farther back, and look at the picture of Derek holding Brandon high over his head. Derek's body is a little bit vague in the scratchy darkness, but in his face is a look of pure happiness. And, I'm pleased that I captured the babyish innocence of my nephew.

My heart beats for Diego and Brandon. My two losses. I'm glad I have them down in pencil, down in my sketchbook to forever remember. I turn to a blank page, and hurriedly begin to sketch out Addie. For some reason I feel as if I'm going to lose her soon. I need to remember her. I already have pictures of what she was like before her own losses… Derek and Brandon. Before she lost her happiness.

I sketch her body, the lines not straight, not neat, but messy and more realistic. When I have that rough sketch done, I realize I have to do her face. She doesn't know that I'm sketching her. She barely acknowledges that I'm here, breathing in this room just as she is. I draw her glasses. Her reading glasses are practically infamous for turning guys on. First Derek, and always Mark. They would always demand to see her in her glasses, and she would give them a wanton smile before placing them on. Now, her glasses make her look like she's trying to hide something. I draw them in quick black lines, taking pains to get the shape right. I draw her sharp cheekbones (which sadly, I didn't inherit from our mother… Instead I got my father's dull ones.), her pursed lips and the lines that have so suddenly appeared around her eyes. She gets up before I can draw anything else.

Addison stands behind me, looking at the sketch of her with papers balanced on her knees, looking somehow suave and sad in her reading glasses. "Nice drawing."

I rummage through my green backpack, and fish out her old sketchbook. She had given it to me before I'd gone to Bolivia, telling me that she was too busy to continue her little hobby (as she so often called it).

I throw it across to her and she catches it. "Haven't seen this in awhile," she remarks. She turns through the pages of perfect human anatomy and stolid faces. She stops on one of Derek and Mark. The only one where she successfully showed that she understood human emotion. "This is a good one." She says. The picture is of Derek and Mark with their arms around each other's shoulders looking like brothers. There are different kinds of admiration in each of the guy's faces. She managed to capture who they were, even though Derek and Mark were awful models.

"I miss us," I say, and to my horror start to cry.

She hugs me tight. "I know."

"I used to always think that they only hung around with me cause I was your little sister." I say, half laughing.

Addison scoffs, "You know that's not true. They need you just like I do."

"I know that now, Addie-baddie."

_Summer vacation at the Hamptons rocked. The tradition started when Addie was nine and I was two, and we've been going ever since. There was one year where I remembered the most. The year where Addie and Derek were engaged, and Mark came along. We had a blast, and even though Derek claimed to hate the Hamptons, he always had a good time._

_We were on the beach, Addie lying on Derek's bare chest, and me building a sandcastle with Mark, who had, to my surprise, never built a sandcastle before. I insisted we make one. I showed Mark how to place the bucket, but he couldn't seem to get the art down, and the sand would always crumble apart the second it stood alone._

"_Kid, I give up. Who in their right mind would want to build something to just have it destroyed the next second?" He shook his head, laughing, and took off his shirt, leaving his tan skin to bake in the sun._

"_Wear sunscreen!" Addie chuckled and threw the sunscreen bottle at Mark's head. Mark caught it suavely. _

"_Nice try." He smirked. Hungrily, he eyed a girl in a bikini who sauntered by._

_I smacked him, "Jerk."_

_Derek grinned at his friend, "Scoping out the beach, huh?" _

_Mark stood up, grinning back, "At least I can." He said, eyeing Addie._

"_Well," Addie said, "You wouldn't want to eye anyone else, would you honey?" She asked, innocently._

_Derek shook his head quickly, "I'm all yours." He laughed._

"_Can we go swimming?" I heard myself whining. _

_Addison groaned, "Not now."_

_Derek stood up and Mark shrugged, "I'll go," they said in unison._

_I stuck my tongue out at Addie, "Ha."_

_Addie crossed her arms, "Well I'm not moving."_

_Mark smiled, "Suit yourself." He started running across the sandy expanse to the water. "Race ya!" He yelled. Derek made a look as if to say 'sorry honey', and then ran after Mark._

"_Adios!" I laughed, and followed the guys in. I found myself splashing into the chilly waves. Derek and Mark were already out pretty far. A huge wave splashed over me, and I found myself falling and laughing at the same time._

"_You okay, Rach?" Derek called._

"_Fine!" I yelled back, and trudged in deeper, relishing the feel of the salty water against my skin._

_Derek and Mark were swimming through the waves, seeing who could get to the lifeguard post first. Their friendship was all about competition. Well, about competition and other things, things Addison and I could never understand if we tried. Male friendships were odd in that way._

"_Loser." Mark yelled from the 'finishing line'._

_Derek didn't look angry, "You were a swimmer in highschool," he pointed out. "I did track."_

_I swam up to them, engaging in a water fight, and pretty soon we were all jumping and diving through the waves, splashing water in each other's faces. Obviously, Addison couldn't resist the fun, and ran in, shrieking as the cold water hit her. "Finally, the queen of the land decides to come and grace us with her presence," Derek swam up to Addie and took her in his arms, throwing her in the water. She splashed him back, and screamed. Mark joined in the fun. This was what I loved. _

My perfect memory is interrupted by a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Addison calls.

"It's Derek."

"Come in," I say, before Addison can react. She glares at me.

"It's locked." Derek says, dryly.

I open the door to reveal Derek holding several cartons of Chinese food. "I figured you guys hadn't gotten dinner yet."

"We were going to get room service." Addie says with no emotion.

"Hmm," Derek sets the Chinese on the mini table. "Is it healthy to be living in a hotel?"

"You don't get to judge my life." Addie says.

He looks down at the ground. "I'm sorry, you're right."

Addison sits on her bed, and pulls the blanket up around her head. "What do you want?"

Derek sits next to her, "I want to talk and apologize."

I feel slightly uncomfortable, but Addie looks at me as if to say 'you let him in, you stay to endure the hell you've created for yourself'. I remain seated at the table. "Derek, we're divorced," She says. "You don't have to care anymore."

"I want to care." He looks at her.

Addie sighs, "Care to tell me what's up with you and Meredith Grey these days?"

"Do we have to talk about this?" Derek shifts uncomfortably.

"Yes." Addie and grabs the vial of nail polish that is next to her bed. She starts to paint her toes bright red, since manicures are prohibited in the OR for obvious reasons.

"We're doing well," He says stiffly. "But we both have busy lives and haven't been seeing much of eachother lately."

"That's sad." Addie remarks.

"It's fine." He pauses, "I want to know what's up with you."

She chuckles, "_Why?_"

"Because I care."

"Really? You haven't seemed to care about me in the least since I told you Mark and I were in love." Addison spits out.

Eek. This is new. Addison admits she and Mark were at one point in love to Derek? Can my life just be over now? Or can I at least stop being my sister's keeper?

Derek coughs. "I hadn't known that; it surprised me."

"How come you didn't care as much when it was just sex?" Addie demands to know.

Derek sputters, "Addison! Rachelle is here!"

She rolls her eyes. "Rach isn't five! She knows what sex is! In fact, she's had sex before. Need I remind you of all the times where she walked in on us, or visa versa?" I cringe. Derek cringes. "Derek, if it makes you happy, I haven't had sex in a month."

"That doesn't make me happy Addison."

"Well it should."

"No it shouldn't, Addison. I'm concerned about you."

She purses her lips, "You have no right to be here, Derek."

"Addie, I don't think you were a bad mother. You were an excellent mother. We were both good parents. No one is to blame for Brandon's illness, it just happened."

"You were a good dad." She says quietly.

"You were a good mom." He whispers and suddenly holds her.

"I don't think Meredith would approve of this." She says, and pushes him away.

"Addie…" He starts.

"Our son died four years ago, Derek. We're divorced. I slept with your best friend. You love another woman." She says, and her voice shakes again, "And damnit I've already cried too much today!"

He cradles her head in the nook next to his neck and places his hand on the curve of her head. Her body is shaking. "Addison,"

"I-I can't believe I'm crying again."

They stand there together, cradling eachother in some kind of slow dance. Time seems to move a little slower just for them, as if this moment is crucial. He holds her like he used to with Brandon, "Shhh." He whispers.

Addison settles in his arms. It's her home, mostly, although now in Mark's arms she also feels at home. "I miss you." Addison admits. "God I miss him so much. Everything's changed Derek. I can't live like this anymore."

He strokes her cheek, "You were never good with changes." He looks at her, and I'm sure neither of them is aware of what they want in life. They've always loved eachother, but there are so many hardships to conquer. It's almost not worth it. It's almost like Diego. I thought he was the love of my life, and then I left. I didn't know why I had to be in so much pain, why I chose to hurt so badly, but sometimes you have to do these things… You don't know why, but you do. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I stayed in Bolivia with Diego, or what would've happened if Brandon had never died. We'd all be going down completely different paths.

"Do you remember when Brandon was a year old? He decided to paint all of our walls neon pink. Boy you were angry." He smiles, "But luckily it was just the playroom, and so you decided to turn it into a big mural. You and Rach and Brandon spent days painting the room with different words, beautiful pictures, and of course, neon pink. Mark and Brandon made handprints. Are they still up there?"

Addie gives a little nod, "Yeah. They are."

"Did you sell the brownstone?"

She sighs, her eyelashes clustering together with tears. "I couldn't. I tried. But I couldn't." He hugs her again, and motions to me to join them. I shake my head and stay in my seat. I look down at my sketchbook; I've been absent-mindedly sketching the two in a slow dance. It's beautiful. I almost want to paint it with bright colors and put it up in the playroom for all to see.

Addison holds out her arms to me, and I reluctantly stand up. She throws her arms around me, and Derek does too. We stand there for a while, our heads together. I can feel their warm breath on my face. We're pretending everything is the same, but it's not. Tomorrow Derek will get up and love Meredith once more.

"It's hard to believe he's gone." Addie whispers. "Some nights I wake up and I think I hear him crying."

Derek nods, "Sometimes I think I'll see him hiding under my bed, but when I look he's not there."

"I dream about him all the time." We're still standing. "What do you think he'd be like now?" I ask.

"He'd be so handsome." Addie said. "He'd be so smart. He'd be able to speak perfectly, in huge sentences, and I'm sure that if we took him to the hospital to visit, he'd walk the place like he owned it."

"He'd build things. Huge towers. He'd build cities. I would take him fishing and he'd love it." Derek smiles.

"God I hope not." Addison sputters. Derek chuckles.

"He'd be a chip off the old block." Derek says.

"Or he'd like designer shoes." I point out.

Derek smiles, "Do you think there would've been others?"

"Other kids?" Addison asks. Derek nods.

"Definitely." I say.

Derek looks at the ceiling, his eyes shining. "I always wanted a little girl."

"Me too." Addison whispers, gripping my hand.

"A little girl named Sophia."

"That's beautiful," Addie nods, "Clara."

"Clara." Derek agrees.

"I can't believe that's all gone." Addison says.

"What do you mean?" Derek asks incredulously, "Aren't you going to have children?"

Truthfully, I've always imagined a future Addison with at least three kids. She shrugs, "I don't know. I used to always see myself with children, but now I can't. I would love a kid, but I'm not ready, and it's just… just not possible. I'm busy. My life has changed."

He grips her elbow, "Don't say that. You don't know." He awkwardly kisses the top of her head. His beeper screeches. Derek looks at it in indignation. "911." He looks at us, "Ladies, I have to go." Now he looks only at Addison, "You were a great mother." He says, glancing at her one more time before shutting the door softly behind him.

Ugh so I'm kind of at that point in the story where I'm DESPISING my writing. It's actually come to the point where I can't even read my own writing without shuddering… Do any of you ever have those moments? It's also a very slow time in the story where nothing major is happening… There is a lack of action albeit a whole lot of emotion. Also there are a lot of things I'd like to happen that just can't due to Rachelle narrating the story (third person is a lot more open when it comes to this stuff). Thank you guys for being so supportive, the reviews really keep me going, especially when I'm at the point where I think I'm a terrible writer and just want to do some math (which is weird because I'm not a huge math fan… and now I'm rambling!)

One more thing before you all kill me for letting myself rant this much… I now have decided whom Addison is going to end up with at the end of the story. Muahahaha. At least I have something done, because to tell you the truth, I am just as indecisive as Derek and Meredith, and I don't really have much else figured out.


	11. Part 11

**This is a really random chapter. Mucho intern banter. But it is fluffier and lighter hearted than all the other chapters in the story put together… Except for maybe the first chapter. Sorry I took so long to update!**

**Note: I don't own Grey's as usual, nor do I own the lyrics in the song "The Way We Get By" By Spoon.**

"Well," Addie says. "Why the hell does he have to do that to me?"

"What?"

"Screw me up. I thought I was good with Mark. Actually scratch that, I don't know about Mark, but now I don't know even more and… Rach I've never not known!" She throws herself dramatically onto the bed, "I want a baby. I want Brandon back. I want a little girl. I wanted a little sister for my little boy."

"Addie, that can still happen."

"I'm a neonatal surgeon. I should not be having these problems, Rachelle." She pulls at her hair for affect, "And Mark is not my type. He's just not my type. And he could never be a father."

"You don't know that," I tell her. I don't know how I ended up on the Mark bandwagon, but I did. "Mark can surprise you. Do you remember how he was with Brandon?"

"Yes, Rachelle." She says, her voice becoming more high-pitched, "I do remember how he was with Brandon." She sighs. "I also remember how Derek was with Brandon."

I come in the hospital early the next morning, psyched that I get to scrub in on Alicia's surgery. I pull my scrubs on and rush into the OR, my heart beating very hard.

Derek and George smile at me as I enter. "Okay," Derek says looking exhausted. He should be, from what I've heard he was up all night diagnosing a VIP patient, and now he has Alicia's surgery. "Encephalitis doesn't usually involve hemorrhaging as you know. Why is Alicia Howe's case different? Dr. O'Malley?"

George looks at Derek with his huge baby blue eyes, "Alicia Howe had HSV which is the most common cause of hemorrhaging in encephalitis cases."

Derek nods, "Good." He turns to me, brushing his hand across his skullcap, "Dr. Montgomery, why are we operating now?"

I suck in air, and hear myself talking one hundred miles a minute, "Usually encephalitis cases aren't severe enough for surgery, the inflammation of the brain and the hemorrhaging can be treated by **Acyclovir**, however in this case since the **Acyclovir was not affective**, we need to successfully remove the hemorrhaging before it causes permanent brain damage."

Derek gives me a small smile, "Yes." Derek explains the procedure as he takes out his scalpel and begins to operate. When we're in, he has a look of total concentration on his face. It's absolutely amazing. George and I take turns answering his questions, and I peer at the magnificent thing that is the human brain. It really does stop the heart. I feel a familiar rush of adrenaline.

When he closes up, Alicia is still intact, alive. "Wow." I whisper.

His eyes sparkle when he speaks to Alicia's father. "There's no reason why this young lady shouldn't recover with flying colors. Her brain swelling has gone down thanks to the medicine we gave her, and we successfully removed the blood in her brain."

The father instantly looks relieved. I think Derek knows to be gentle with him, because Derek was often getting bad news in relation to his child. Any good news was a joyous occasion. "I-Is she going to have any more seizures?" He asks, looking at the floor.

"Well if the medicine continues to work, and the swelling dissipates, then there shouldn't be any more seizures."

"How long is my girl going to stay in the hospital?" Mr Howe asks, looking at his unconscious daughter.

"Usually it's six to eight days recovery for this kind of minor brain surgery, but we'll have to monitor her to see how she's doing. If Alicia complains of any kind of severe headache or begins to have seizures, bring her back to the hospital immediately. Unfortunately, encephalitis is sporadic, and can come back, but she should be fine as long as she keeps taking the **Acyclovir** as directed."

"She better not get sick again," Mr. Howe says gruffly, but looks incredibly thankful.

I call Izzie to pick me up after the surgery, thinking about Addison operating in the OR, with all that weight on her shoulders. She arrives in a somewhat beat up car. Somehow George has beaten me to the punch and is already sitting in the front seat. "Montgomery! Get in the car." She yells playfully.

"Hey!" I say, bouncing in the back seat of Izzie's car.

"Hellooo." Izzie starts the car. "Buckle in, Georgie." She says, chuckling.

George's cheeks flush red, "Don't call me Georgie."

I feel awkward sitting in the backseat of this car, as if I'm intruding. George and Izzie are obviously very close, having lived together and all. Izzie looks at me through the rear-view mirror. "So. You had your first surgery at Seattle Grace. How was it?"

I felt a smile creeping across my face despite myself. "Oh my god. It was amazing. Not to sound really stupid, but it was freaking amazing! George, wasn't the surgery amazing?"

He nods, "It was pretty amazing."

Izzie looks nostalgic, and her eyes are glassy, "I remember my first surgery."

George coughs, "Well I'd like to forget mine."

I feel an amused look cross my face. "Why?"

"Nothing." He mutters.

"My first surgery was a lung transplant in Bolivia. It was pretty major, considering we were working at a clinic. You have no idea how nervous I was."

"No, I have a pretty good idea." George laughs, and I smile gratefully at him as we drive down the road.

I open the window, "God it's nice out!" I yell outside.

"Shut the window," Izzie complains, "It's cold out."

"Not compared to what it was like in New York. Muy frio." I say. "Come on Isobel, live a little."

George smirks at Izzie, "Yeah, Isobel."

She lightly smacks him on the head, "Okay, Georgie." She laughs and sticks her head out the window. "It's so freaking nice out!" She screams.

"Goddamn!" I yell. I forgot how much tension I was holding these past few days. It comes out now. With friends. "It's not raining anymore!"

"Finally!" Izzie yells. She sticks her head back in the car, "George, yell with us."

"Come on George!" I say, "George needs to let it all out!" I yell out the window.

"MOOOOOOTHER FUUUUUCKER!" George yells. I burst out laughing. George sticks his head back in the car, his cheeks very red. "Sorry."

"No, seriously George. It's good." It's good. I just met these people two days ago and I don't even care.

"Before we go home," Izzie starts, "Do you think we could stop somewhere? It's two seconds away."

I shrug, "Sure."

Izzie feeds a CD into the car and turns up the volume. "Okay."

The music comes out of the speakers loudly, happy and bouncy with a great rhythm. I love this song. I know all the lyrics by heart.

_We get high in backseats of cars. _I smile at George and Izzie who both smile back. _We break into mobile homes. _George is bobbing his head to the beat. _We go to sleep to shake up you. And then wake up on our own. _He's so adorable. Izzie starts singing loudly when the chorus hits and I join her. "_And that's the way we get by to Way we get by Aw that's, the way we get by to Way we get by._"

Izzie stops in an empty grassy lot on the side of the highway. She jumps out of the car, leaving the door open so the music fills the emptiness. _We go out in stormy weather_Droplets of rain begin to fall. "It's raining again!" I yell as Izzie grabs George's hand and dances with him under the drops. _"We rarely practice discern."_

_"We make love to some with sin."_ Izzie yells into the trees.

I go up to George, dancing, _"We seek out the taciturn." _Izzie takes my hands and dances. The droplets of rain are bouncing off my shirt and leaving wet cold on my skin. "It's still nice out." I yell. The song continues and I dance, almost in slow motion. It feels so good to be out in the cold rain, almost as a reality shock. When the song ends, I'm lying on the grass, my scrubs wrinkling against my skin. Izzie plops down next to me. "I forgot how good it felt to have fun." I murmur.

"Me too." Izzie says, slightly out of breath. She rests her head on George's stomach. The sky is grey overhead. Izzie's hair is hanging wetly over her scrubs, a dark blonde, and George's face is covered with tiny droplets. We stare up at the rain for a while.

"Thanks." I say quietly.

Izzie knows exactly what I'm thanking her for. She nods with a half smile. "Well."

"Well."

"Well." I start laughing. "God I hate stress, why did I ever decide to become a surgeon?" I say, feeling slightly crazy.

"I don't know." Izzie says quietly. The next song on the CD comes on. The side of Izzie's car that's open is getting drenched. "Being a surgeon sucks." She takes a breath, "But I love it."

"Me too." George agrees.

"What do you want to go into?" I ask them, taking a piece of grass and shredding it between my fingers.

"Neonatal." Izzie doesn't look at me. I continue to shred grass. I look at George.

"General." He says. I nod. "What about you?"

I shrug, "No clue as always." I watch Izzie, "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Depends." Izzie answers.

"Does Meredith hate me?" I ask.

Izzie laughs, "Do you hate Meredith?"

I shrug, "I don't really know Meredith."

"Well there's your answer." Izzie says. More silence.

"How'd you know about this place anyways? I mean was it an impulsive find or what?" I ask wiping the rain out of my eyes and looking around the barren field.

"I've lived in Washington all my life. This place isn't too far away from my hometown, Chehalis. When I was like sixteen I used to drive out here with friends and watch the stars." Izzie looks forlorn again.

"Ah. I can't imagine having lived in Washington your whole life." I shiver from the cold. The rain is beginning to let up.

"Let me elaborate, I lived in a trailer park in Washington."

I cringe, "Oh."

She shakes her head, "Not so much fun."

"Yeah." Awkward silence. Izzie knows I was rich, I mean, that I still am rich. Although I'm sure I had as many issues as she did. I turn to George, "Where did you grow up?"

"Near Seattle." George says with some guilt. "Tudor house."

"Mmm."

"I can't imagine growing up in New York City. That's where you grew up right?" He asks.

"Actually I lived in Boston until I was eleven, then we moved to New York City."

"Boston? Never knew that." Izzie says, "Meredith partially grew up there, you know."

"Mmm, I think I knew that."

"Why'd you move to New York?" George asked.

Oh, the past. "My father was the CEO of a company that relocated to New York."

"Let me guess," Izzie chuckles, "You lived on the Upper East Side?"

I cringe again, "Yes."

Izzie sighs, "I'm not going to blame you for being rich. It's not your fault." She sits up, "Anyway, I'm rich now so it doesn't matter."

"She is," George agrees.

"Care to elaborate?" I'm freezing at this point, but the rain has stopped. I hate being rich.

"Denny left me a check." She says bitterly. "Let's go." Wow. She must hate being rich too if that's how she got so rich.

George gives me a look. I stand up and wipe the wet grass off of my scrubs. Izzie's already in the car when we get in and I can tell the ride home is going to be pretty somber. I rest my head on the back of the upholstered chair and brush my fingers through my wet hair. It's silent for a while, but luckily Izzie decides to talk again.

"You're friends with Mark Sloan." She states.

"Yes. I'm sure you all think of him as an asshole."

"Pretty much," Izzie laughs, "But you never know."

"You really don't." I say, thinking of Mark and the irony of his sweetness.

"It's like a different world." Izzie comments.

"What is?" I ask leaning over to the front seat.

"You're so part of it. The whole attendings social group." Izzie taps her fingers on the dashboard. "I mean you know so much about them. To us they're just our bosses." She laughs, "Sorry, I'm being weird."

It's hard to think of Addie, Mark, and Derek as just my bosses, because they're my family. I know all their faults, but to someone like Izzie they are these cool intelligent people who are never wrong. They're almost godly. Mysterious. I almost guffaw when I think of Addison, Mark, and Derek as _godly_. They are anything but. "I guess you're right. It's not weird to me. I've lived with Addie for my whole life, lived with Derek for a bit… And I practically lived with Mark."

"Could you imagine living with Addison Montgomery?" Izzie asks George.

"Um, no."

"Exactly."

"She's not so scary." I shrug. We arrive at a nice house. "This is yours?"

"No, Meredith's."

"You really weren't kidding when you said house."

"She wasn't." George says, opening the front door. Inside it's dark but cozy. "Meredith's mom used to live here."

"I see."

George plops down on a couch, and Izzie takes me into the kitchen. She leans on the wooden counter. There are baked goods all over the place. "Muffin?" Izzie asks me, handing one over.

"Thanks, but I'm not really a muffin person."

Izzie pretends to look offended. "How can anyone not be a muffin person?" She opens the fridge, "Cupcake?"

"Are you trying to make me gain twenty pounds?" I eye the heavily chocolate frosted cupcake in her hand and take it. "It's been forever since I've had a cupcake."

"You should change that." She says, licking the frosting off of one of her own creations. She yells across the hall, "George you want a cupcake?"

"No more cupcakes. Please!" George yells back. Izzie pouts.

"Fine, whatever." She sits up on the wooden counter, and places a spot next to her. "Do you like?" She asks nodding at my cupcake.

I nod, "Gourmet cooking."

"So be honest, what do you really think of Seattle Grace?" Izzie lies back on the counter facing the ceiling.

I stay sitting. "It's interesting. Overwhelming I guess. Everyone knows everyone's business. In that way it's a lot like the clinic, except more gossipy."

"I hate it when people talk." Izzie's ponytail is hanging off of the side of the counter. "The nurses are particularly nasty and some of the cocky residents." She pauses, "God I hate them."

"Yeah, Addie was telling me about it. Back in New York everyone loved her, but once she got to Seattle everyone was talking behind her back. Hard." I smile, "It was kind of hard to ignore the whispering that went on behind my back when we were all in the locker-room."

Izzie looks sympathetic. "We never knew Addison had a sister."

"Mmm, as if she was going to tell that kind of personal information to a girl who made fun of her salmon scrubs!" I tease, licking the last crumbs of the cupcake off my fingers.

"She heard that!?" Izzie asks incredulously. "Oh god that's awful. Damn it."

"She got over it." I laugh. "Seattle Grace is just strange you know? And it's just really hard to be there when Addie, Derek, and Mark all work there."

George appears in the room, "I have to go, Burke just 911 paged me. Mind if I take the car, Iz?"

She holds her hands out, "Be my guest."

"Bye." He says, "It was good to talk to you."

I smile at him, "You too. Good luck on that surgery."

"Ah, thanks." He stutters, and waves goodbye.

When he's gone I share a look with Izzie. "He's a sweet guy."

"Yeah," She says, smiling at the thought of her friend. "He's great." The room fills with silence and my back starts to cramp against the wooden surface. "Must be strange to have your family working in the hospital with you."

"Probably no stranger than it is working with Meredith and George." I point out. "Got anymore cupcakes? I'm having a craving."

She smirks, jumps up, and gets me one from the fridge, "No one can resist my cupcakes."

"But it is hard working with Addie. I forgot how she was… She's so… Addie, and I love her, but right now she's taking over my life, because of stuff that's not really her fault. Although I guess some of it is. Anyways, suddenly it's like my life is so involved with her, and I love spending time with her, but we haven't really gotten to spend much time alone because she's so busy." Okay. I'm ranting.

"It would be so hard for me to be her sister."

"Yeah, but she's always been there for me. Always. It's cheesy, but I honestly don't know where I'd be without her." I jump off the counter, following Izzie into the living room.

It's weird. With Izzie I don't have that awkward tension I have before I get to know another people. "I wish I had someone like that growing up."

"Yeah?"

"It was just my mom and me… My mom was screwed up…" She trails off. "I haven't even talked about this stuff with George…" She says, implying the whole 'why should I talk about it with you' thing.

"My mother was screwed up too." I say, snuggling into the couch. Why am I here? "And my father." I add nodding. "Very screwed up. I don't know why I'm telling you this, since even Diego didn't know."

She looks at me, taking a bite out of her now third cupcake. "Who's Diego?"

I point to the cupcake, "How do you not get fat?"

"Screw that, who's Diego?"

I shrug, "Diego's a guy."

"Mmm hmm…"

"A guy who was Bolivian and sexy. Tall dark and handsome." I pause, "And he loved _me_. I never understood why he loved _me_ over everyone else, but he did. He was second in command at the clinic. Taught me everything I know…"

"_We are going to practice this suturing on this… How do you say?" Diego looked at me with a grin on his face. He pointed down at the soft plastic covered mannequin in front of him. The soft plastic served as flesh._

"_It's a dummy." I said._

_He laughed. His laugh was loud and happy. It was infectious. "A dummy. What a strange name." His accent was beautiful and goofy at the same time. "But I thought we did agree. For the time now, you speak Spanish; I speak English in order to practice."_

_I shrugged. "Es un dummy." I took the scalpel in my hand, "No sé. ¿Como se dice dummy en español?" _

"_This?" He pointed to the dummy. I was about to cut. "We would call it un maniquí. Perhaps. Now slow down querida." He moved behind me. "Do not cut like this." He wrapped his arms around me and took my hands in his, moving to the correct location. "Like this." He whispered, his voice mellifluous like honey. "Comprendes?_

"_Si. Habla ingles, you hypocrite."_

_Diego shook his head, feigning stupidity. "What is this hypocrite?"_

_I smacked him lightly over the head before finishing the suture._

She smiled at me. "He sounds like a great guy. What happened?"

I nodded, "Things change. I had ended my program in Bolivia, and Addie had already told me about this job… He asked me to stay with him in Bolivia. I asked him to come with me. The clinic was his life, so he didn't. I needed a job, so I didn't. These things happen." My voice sounds bitter.

"Yes, things happen, things change." She says, "Denny. Denny was… I only really knew Denny for a few months." Izzie says nodding. "A few months. God, a few months. Life can change in a few months."

"It really can."

**As you can see Izzie and Rachelle have a tendency to blurt things out to eachother… Things that they never meant to tell anyone… Hope you enjoyed "my young cherubs" as my chem. teacher would say. Thanks so much for the reviews, they keep me a-going.**


	12. Part 12

_Okay, so I'm aware I took a really long time to post another chapter. I've had major writer's block, which is so ugh, and I was beginning to lose faith in this story. Slowly, but surely I'm getting it back. More intern banter/confessions. More Meredith. _

How Izzie got me to come to Joe's with her to fetch a very drunk Meredith Grey… I will never know. One minute we're baking cookies and talking about life, and the next minute we're in a car to pick up Meredith Grey.

Izzie swipes her bangs out of her eyes, and looks at me while she drives. "I'm sorry about this. I know you're not a huge fan of Meredith, but she's my friend. Friends help eachother out."

We get out of the car. The moon is out tonight, large and bright. It casts a weird light on Izzie's fast-walking form. In New York the moon was hidden in smog. Brandon always was fascinated with it. When we spent a summer in the Hamptons with Brandon as a baby, he was so delighted by it; he wouldn't want to come inside. He threw a fit when Addie wanted to carry him back in. Addie shushed him and told him the moon would be there for him the next night. Despite herself she stayed out with him for another half hour.

I'm hit with the stench of alcohol and drunk people once I enter. We search around the room for Meredith. "There she is," Izzie points to a slumped form on the bar and rolls her eyes. We walk up. "Mer." Izzie shakes her. Meredith groans. "Mer?"

"Izzie." She looks up, her bright eyes watery. "Izzie I'm so drunk. And oh, it's you." She looks at me. "You hate me don't you? I didn't do anything to you and you hate me. I guess I would hate me too. Actually, you know what? It's cute. Addison and you being sisters together. Very beautiful. Congratulations on your sisterhood."

This is one of those situations where I'm at a loss for words. "Um, thank you?"

Meredith nods, "You're welcome. You're very welcome." She coughs, "I envy you." She tells me, swaying slightly. "I really do. I mean here you are talking to the most desirable people. The most good-looking people. The people that won't talk to me. How do you do it?" She bumps her head on the table, "And you hate me. Just my luck. You know, it isn't really fair to me. Not at all. Not me." Her voice gets higher as she speaks, and I find myself feeling very bad for her.

"Mer, you're making this situation very awkward for Rach. You realize that right?" Izzie says, gently.

"Rach? Ah, now Izzie loves you too. Izzie's a good catch." She looks at me, and almost falls off the chair. She catches herself and chuckles. "You're so lovable aren't you?"

"Meredith," I say slowly so she'll comprehend, "I'm willing to give you a chance, but how about you let Izzie take you home first?"

"Smart idea. You are very smart!" She bangs on the bar, "Joe can I have another drink for the ride home?"

Joe rolls his eyes, "No way. Let your kind and generous friends drive you home."

"O-kay."

Izzie sighs, and helps Meredith up. We lead her back to the car. The car ride home is quite amazing.

"Isobel." Meredith giggles, "Isobel. Is a bell. What a funny name. If you think about it. Is a bell. Is oh bell. Iz."

"Meredith?" Izzie says, her eyes in a straight glare at the road.

"Ye-ep."

"Would you just be quiet for awhile?"

"I'll be silent, perfectly silent. Not a peep from me." Meredith says from the backseat.

"I hope she doesn't puke." Izzie says, turning to me.

"She's an amusing drunk, you have to give her that much."

"Don't think I don't hear you talking about me." Meredith says. "I'm not _that _drunk."

"Now that is a lie." I say laughing.

"You're laughing." Meredith smiles in the dark. "You're laughing and we're almost home."

My cell-phone rings lighting up a bright green. _Addie Cell_ flashes on the LCD screen. "Hello?"

Addie sounds out of breath. "Rach?"

"Hey, what's up?"

"I'm not going to be able to pick you up tonight. We just got a preemie in who needs spinal surgery, and I have to check if it's urgent. Most likely it will be."

"Okay. I mean I can ask Izzie if I can get a ride home or something. It's not a big deal, Ad. Call me later, and good luck with the preemie."

Meredith's cellphone rings as I'm talking to Addie. She jumps in the back seat and fumbles, looking for the shrill sounding phone.

I can hear Addison's relief over the phone, and Meredith answer her cell with a drunken, "Hey."

"You sure you're okay with rides?" Addison asks.

"Yes. If worst comes to worst, I'll call Mark." I say, sniggering.

"Mmm, hopefully that won't have to happen." Addie says.

"Bye."

I snap the phone shut and lean back into my seat in time to hear Meredith's scratchy drunk voice. "What? Hospital again? Seriously. Seriously!?" Izzie and I both shoot concerned looks in Meredith's direction. "I can't deal with this again. No, Derek I know. Okay. Well, yeah. I won't. Okay." She pauses looking at us. "Yeah I'm with your precious Rachel. Yeah. No Derek, I'm a little bit drunk; scratch that a lot drunk. Yes. Okay. Promise? Bye." She slams her phone shut, her eyes glistening a little bit. "My mother's in the hospital again." Her voice is dull, and when I look at her she doesn't look me back in the eye.

Izzie stops the car, "Do you want a ride to the hospital? I mean, I'll stay with you, or George can stay with you. He's on-call tonight."

Meredith sighs, suddenly sounding much less drunk; "I'm too drunk and too exhausted for this. Derek thinks it would be better for me to wait until tomorrow. Her condition isn't too serious, but she's having pretty bad arrhythmias. It's more of a routine check. I'm sure she's in good hands with _the chief_ around."

I look at her for a moment, trying to figure out who she really is, and why Derek loves her. It's starting to become clearer. "What's wrong with the chief?" I ask, noticing the sarcasm stuffed so heavily into the world. Izzie gives me a warning look.

"He screwed my mom for awhile. My mom left my dad for him." Meredith says, ever so bluntly, and I nod.

"Oh."

"I have a great life, don't I?" She slams her head against the back of the seat. "Wonderful life."

Izzie reaches her hand out to Meredith. "I'm sorry." She says solemnly.

"Are we just going to go back home?" Meredith asks.

"I mean, yeah, if that's what you want."

"I was thinking," Meredith starts, "That when we get home we get wicked drunk. Or at least you two get wicked drunk since I already seem to be and we spill all of our secrets. Isn't that a good idea?"

Izzie gives Meredith a little smile, "How about we see where we're at when we get there?"

Meredith shrugs. I look out the window. The trees are pretty **silhouettes** under the darkness and moonlight.

The house stands in the dark. We help Meredith out of the car. I'm starting to think that I won't be going back "home" tonight, or whatever the hell I can call that hotel. We go up to George's bedroom and find ourselves lying head to head on the wide mattress. "Welcome to being an intern," Meredith says, and we're silent.

It isn't until fifteen minutes later that one of us actually speaks. "I miss Denny." Izzie whispers, and I can see that there are tears streaking down her cheek.

"I know you do." Meredith squeezes her shoulder. "I know you do." Izzie cries for a while, but it's obvious that she doesn't want to talk about it.

More silence. I stare at the ceiling and count the cracks. "I miss Bolivia." I say, finally. "And New York."

"I don't have anything to miss," Meredith says mournfully. "But I feel like I do."

"You know what's crazy?" I sit up suddenly, looking at Izzie and Meredith. They shrug. "I _just_ got here. Just got here. Already I'm drowning under all the drama, and already I'm pulled into some strange-ass world. Is that weird? Because honestly, I need to know."

Meredith laughs, "Not weird. At all." She smiles, "If we were all shiny and happy we would be boring. Not that it would be bad to be boring," She points out, "But when is a surgeon's life ever boring? That, my friend is why we're all so dark and twisty inside." She gives me a strange look, and I feel shivers run down my arms. "I don't even know for sure if you're dark and twisty."

"I sense that you are." Izzie says, shifting slightly under the covers.

I shrug. "We're all dark and twisty inside. That's my take on it."

"I bet before me your sister wasn't dark and twisty." Meredith points out.

I laugh, "Doubtful. She could be darker and twistier than me."

"What were you all doing in Derek's office yesterday?" When I don't answer, she turns over, "I have a headache."

"What do you expect? You were drunk." Izzie twists a strand of her hair around. "You probably still are. Gotta lay off the tequila."

"Tequila is good. Tequila is my friend."

Izzie scoffs. "Tequila is gross."

"You barely drink, Iz. The only thing I've ever seen you drink was red wine. And vodka that one time." Meredith yawns.

"My mom was an alcoholic."

"Oh." This isn't awkward in the least. No it's not. "My mother has Alzheimer's."

They look at me expectantly. Is this some kind of twisted game? "Ummm, my mom… We don't talk…"

"Lucky." Meredith says.

"My mother has ignored the fact that Addison I exist for years now. She also ignored the fact that our father had a temper and hit us." I say suddenly. Oh my god, did I just say that? Did I really just say that? Fuck. Nobody knows that except Derek and Mark. It is not good for me to be around these people.

They both look at me. "Are you serious?"

I shrug, trying to play it off like it's nothing. "I mean, he was the CEO of this big company, he was stressed all the time. He had a temper." I pause, "He loved us though—more than our mom did."

"You are darker and twistier than I thought." Meredith says, a bit shrilly. I agree. It goes down wayyy deeper than that.


	13. Part 13

**Aaaah, this story is craziness! I feel like it's all over the place! You guys are amazingly loyal and patient and I love you for it! Here's the next update, enjoy!**

The alarm rings at five in the morning. I wake up next to two strange people. Izzie and Meredith.

"Why am I even waking up at this hour?" I ask.

Izzie and Meredith look at me quizzically. "Work?" Izzie points out.

"I have the day off to 'settle in'. So yeah, no work." My head hits George's pillow again and I curl up under the covers.

"Okay, how come we didn't get time to settle in?" Izzie takes off her shirt with her back to us, revealing the several bumps that make up her spine.

"Because you had already moved here when you started your residency?"

"Yeah, but you don't understand," Izzie slips her scrubs over a pink shirt. "We don't _get_ days off."

"Being Addison's sister has its perks." Meredith says from the bathroom. She looks out the door at me and pauses, "Just kidding."

"You're just jealous." I say.

"Well don't think you're gonna get a ride to anywhere but the hospital." Izzie throws me the pair of scrub pants I had discarded in favor of Izzie's sweats.

"I'll manage, I guess."

_Addie's cell._ "Rach, where are you?" There is a tint of worry in Addison's voice.

"At the hospital. Can you pick me up?"

"Where in the hospital? I'm here too." She sounds out of breath, tired.

"Tunnels." I answer.

"I'm coming." She says and hangs up.

I stare at the brick wall directly in front of me. I can't believe I told them about my dad. Seriously, I can't believe it. I don't tell anyone. _Anyone_.

I love my dad. I really and truly do. Why the hell did I tell them? I slump against the mats set up by the window.

"_Mark?"_

"_Who is this?" He answered. Of course Mark was up at two in the morning. It was so typical. I still don't know why I called him of all people, but I knew I couldn't call Addie. She was with Derek. She didn't want Derek to know about anything. I guess I thought Mark would be the one to pick me up without questioning; that he was the best choice. _

"_It's me, Rachelle, you know, Derek's girlfriend's little sister."_

"_Of course I know who you are. What the hell are you doing calling me at this hour?"_

"_I, um, I need a ride… And maybe a place to stay."_

"_You better have a good reason." He said, "Cough it up, what is it?"_

_I was silent. Ruining our secret wouldn't be the end of the world. I guessed I could keep Mark quiet for a while. "I'm kind of in the middle of a random street in New York alone at night. Last time I checked, it isn't a good place for a seventeen year old to be."_

"_What street?"_

"_On the corner of 60th and 61st." I said._

"_I have to drag myself all the way to the Upper East Side?" He groaned, "Find a place to be safe, so I didn't come all the way for nothing. I'll come as fast as I can." He hung up the phone. In that moment I gained so much respect for Mark. Despite his snottyness, he cared. _

_It was scary, standing a block away from our house, all bruised and shivering. It seemed like hours that I was standing there in the cold, before a beat up black car showed up. Mark rolled the window down, "Get in, kid." It was the first time he called me that._

_I opened the door and hopped in. "Thanks for the ride."_

"_Yeah. We're going back to my place?" He asked, stepping on the gas. The car made a bunch of whining noises._

"_Guess so."_

_I could feel him looking at my bruises. The one on my cheek was noticeable. At least dad missed my eye. He often tried not to hit me on the face, and when he could control himself, he rarely did. "You hope that I'm not going to ask any questions."_

_I nodded, sighing. "It's complicated."_

"_Tell me what happened, or I'll wake Derek and Addison up."_

_Damn. He knew how to play the game. "Don't." I could feel his pause, and I could feel him looking at me, rather than the street. "It was my dad." I said quietly._

_He was silent. He drove until we hit a red light. "I'm sorry, kid." He looked sincere. _

"_Whatever, let's just go home. Oh and Mark?"_

"_What?"_

"_Don't tell Derek. It's on Addison's orders."_

"_He's going to find out soon if things keep on going the way they do."_

"_Just don't."_

"_Yeah."_

"Rach? Earth to Rach!" Addison shows up in front of me, waving her hand in front of my face.

I'm knocked out of my trance, "Oh, sorry."

She sits next to me, her lab coat bunching under the mat. "Where were you last night?"

"At Meredith's. I slept there."

"Oh." She looks a bit confused, "How was that?"

"It was okay." I say.

She pauses, brushing her hand through my hair, "What were you just thinking about?"

"Nothing, why?"

"You looked sad." She says shortly. She can read me like a freaking book. She sighs, "I know it hasn't been easy for you."

"What?"

"Me. I'm a mess. And don't say I'm not, because I am. I'm mature enough to admit that, and I don't need your pity." She says pointedly. "I just feel bad for you."

I take a breath, "You are a mess. But I'm sticking with you. Don't worry."

"Good." She watches me curiously, "Tell me about yourself, Rachelle. We haven't talked about you lately. How are you?"

I sigh, resting my head on her shoulder. "I was fine in Bolivia. I think it was like an escape, you know? Away from everyone I knew and loved. Of course I made new people to know and love, but those people didn't carry all my baggage. They didn't _know_ me. So it was okay. Now that I'm back with you, it's hard. Things are coming back to me that I had totally forgotten about."

She twists a piece of my hair through her fingertips. "What things?" She asks seriously.

"Well besides Brandon…" I sigh, "Dad and mom and living with you guys."

She sighs with me. "It's been so long since I've thought of them. It's been harder for you."

"I've always needed parents more than you have."

"Yes, and you never really got what you needed."

"No, dad was what I needed. It wasn't his fault he was the way he was. He loved me and I miss him."

She looks at me, her eyes dark, "Our father's condition was treatable. It was his choice not to make an effort to control himself."

"I was always more forgiving than you were."

"Well, maybe dad deserves our forgiveness, but our mother never will." Addison takes a breath. Her hands occupy themselves by tapping slowly on the mat.

"I'll never forget how dad reacted when I told him I was moving out two years early." To my horror I feel tears creep up to my eyes.

She hugs me. "Just think of all the good times you and me and Derek had living together. Those med school years were memorable."

"We're lucky dad didn't take us off of his payroll or you wouldn't have been able to afford that huge apartment overlooking the park." I laugh.

"Lucky." She echoes.

"You know what's weird?" I ask suddenly.

"What?"

"When I was in Bolivia, I missed Mark too. I thought I wouldn't."

She chuckles, "Well you guys were good friends, being the third wheels and all."

I flick her arm, "Yeah, correction, I was the third wheel. By the end of the night Mark would always find someone to go home with."

Addie cringes. "Okay, I wasn't going to tell you this, because I felt guilty saddling you with all my drama, but…"

"What?"

"I was the girl Mark found to go home with last night." She frowns.

"Oh ew, seriously?" And yet again, Addison whores herself out to the world.

"Uh, yeah, and Rach?" Addison looks guilty. "He was really good. Better than I remembered."

"Ew, do not tell me that stuff." I gag. "So no more Derek?"

Addison looks me square in the eye. "I love Derek, and if Derek does still love me, he loves Meredith more. He's moved on, so I have to."

"What about Brandon?"

Her eyes are shining and she drops her gaze to the floor. "Brandon is gone. There's nothing left to hold us together."

"You're still friends. You still can be, I mean." I hold her hand, pressing her fingers between mine.

"Yes. Yes we can." She whispers and gets up. "I rescheduled all my surgeries today so that we could have some time together. Maybe to explore Seattle?"

"You rescheduled all your surgeries? Were they reschedualable?"

She smiles at me and nods. "Don't worry about it." She gets up, offering her hand to me. I take it. "We have a lot to talk about."

We go shopping first. Of course we do. She shows me a pair of slinky black shoes, "These would look really good on you."

I roll my eyes, "I can't afford those, Addie."

She laughs, picking up another pair and adding them to her pile. "Well _I_ can."

"I won't wear them. You know how much I hate stiletto heels." I whine, picking up a pair of simple black ballet flats. "Why can't you spend your money on these? I would probably like them more."

She scoffs, "Ballet flats? No. You need stilettos. You never know when they'll come in handy. I thought I taught you well, but geez do you need a refresher course." She smirks, and puts them on the table in front of the cashier. "Can you put these on my MasterCard?"

"Addie!" I whine, scrunching up my noise.

"You know, most girls would be on their knees begging for these." She says, handing over the credit card.

We walk out of the store with a bag full of beautiful uncomfortable shoes. "So Mark is good? It's not just a legend meant to get more ladies?"

"Unfortunately. He really is." She sighs. "Honestly, I don't think I'm going to be with Mark either."

"That's crazy. Don't you like Mark?"

"Mark's complicated." She turns a sharp corner into the next shop.

"But Mark is surprisingly sweet. I mean if you ruled out Derek, can you really also rule out Mark?"

"I didn't _rule_ out Derek." She says indignantly. "I'm moving on from Derek."

Part of me knows that Addison will never move on from Derek. There will always be a part of her that loves him; a part of her that leaves a piece of her heart open to him, just in case. Just in case he decides to love her all the way back. "Whatever. What happened with you guys in New York anyways?"

She looks at me, pained. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Why?"

"It's a long story. He fell in love with me. I was still in love with Derek. Things happened."

"Mark has always liked you, Addie. Since Med school."

She sighs, "I think a part of me knew that. I was flattered. Derek's man-whore best friend liked me but couldn't have me." She laughs, "You know, there was a time in my life when I couldn't get any guy other than Skip Gold to even look at me."

"Okay, that time has never existed. Guys have always been hot for you. You just say that so you'll get some sympathy for being all leggy and hot." I look at a particularly ugly sweater. It costs two hundred bucks. Who in the hell would ever buy it?

"You have this image in your mind of me that isn't true. I may be leggy and hot now, but back then I was awkward and gangly."

"Then how come I can't remember this so called awkward and gangly phase?" I ask suspiciously.

"That might be because during that phase you were six. It didn't end until you were eight or nine." Addison laughs. "You should recall that I forced you to watch Star Wars about ten times. It was my favorite movie. To tell you the truth, back then, Han Solo was the only guy on my mind."

I guffaw. "I always liked Anakin."

"I'm too old for Anakin." She smirks.

"True, you old geezer."

She whacks my head playfully and we walk out of the store. "Nothing good there." She sighs.

I sigh. "Seattle has crap shopping."

Addison nods, "At least compared to New York."

"Everything's better in New York. Except maybe the air."

"Derek loves Seattle. He'd like nothing better to stay here and retire as some kind of lumber jack." Addison swings her black leather purse over her shoulder, and looks down at the floor. She looks at me, "What if you'd have stayed home?"

"Do you think things would've been different if I didn't go to Bolivia?" I ask quietly, putting my arm around her shoulder.

"Probably not." Addison tries to say clearly. Her eyes are tired.

"_So are you and Derek going to be okay?" I packed my bag. I was going to a foreign land, where they spoke a foreign language. How could I not make a fool of myself? But it was my time, my time to be away from New York. New York, where my parents lived. New York, where my sister and I fended for ourselves. New York, where my sister got married. New York, where my life began. New York, where Brandon died. I was leaving New York. _

_Addison gave me a little half smile, "We'll be fine without you." She folded a pair of my underwear, barely noticing that it was my pretty lacy black bra. "We always manage to work it out. I don't think this time will be any different."_

"_I hope so." I said, hugging her. "I'm going to miss you so much. God I already miss you and Derek."_

"_Yeah, well I miss them too." She said, half jokingly, half seriously._

"_Are you sure I should go? Please call me if anything's wrong, Addie."_

"_Rachelle." Addison said, deadpanned. "I can take care of myself. I can take care of my marriage without you, thanks. Plus, you've already worked long hours to pay for this, and you've signed up. You're already as good as gone. You want to become a renowned surgeon like me, don't you?"_

_I rolled my eyes. "Of course."_

_She gives me another smile, but I can see right through it. She points out of the brownstone window at a yellow taxicab. "Taxi's here," She said tearfully. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you to JFK?"_

"_Ad. You have work in like ten minutes. You have to go. It's okay." I paused, feeling the tears rush to my eyes. "I'm going to miss you, Addie-baddie."_

"_Well I'm going to miss you Rachy. So much. Oh god so much." Tears dripped down her nose, and I wiped them away._

_Derek appeared in the room, "You ready, Rach? I've got work in about ten minutes."_

_I nodded. He hoisted two of my duffel bags over his shoulder. "Strong." I commented. Addison hugged me tightly. The hug lasted literally for two minutes, until the beeping of the annoyed cabbie broke us up. _

"_You call me if you need me, okay?" Addison asked._

"_You too." I smiled, and got up. Addison took my backpack. _

"_Draw everything around you." She told me. "I need to live vicariously through you."_

"I miss New York." Addison declares as we walk outside into a park filled with vegetation.

"This is sure a far cry from Central Park."

"Who ever heard of a mall next to a park?"

"Who ever heard of malls in the first place?" We slip into a satisfied silence, walking around until we lose ourselves in our thoughts.

"Addie?" I say after a period of silence.  
"Yeah?"

"You wanna watch Star Wars tonight?"

Addison chuckles, "I don't have it with me."

"Well we can rent it or something. Or we can watch X-Men. Believe it or not, I have the DVDs and well, I'm a little bit obsessed."

She shakes her head, still laughing, "If you want to, we can watch X-Men tonight." She pauses, "Even I'm not geeky enough to like X-Men."

I slap her shoulder lightly, "Yeah, well that means you've never seen it. It's amazing. Anyways, who's to say that Star Wars is less geeky than X-Men?"

"True, true."

"I watched X-Men two with Mark when it came out." I point out. "You'll like it, it's all science-y and yeah, guess what? One of the main characters is a kickass redhead that's also a doctor…"

"What a coincidence."

"Yeah, except, um, she has the ability of telekinesis, and as far as I know, you, well, don't."

"What a tragedy," Addison laughs.

**So how'd you like that? A little angst, a little fluffiness, a little geekiness? A little bit of everything. And um, by the way, the X-Men are amazing (Addison reminds me of Jean Grey in case you're familiar… Two guys lusting after her… The good one and the bad one… Doctor… Redhead… Nice/bitch…). I'm such a dork.**


	14. Part 14

**Okay. I have not updated in MONTHS. Like, actually. I don't even know what's been going on. My life has been so busy and so stressful, that I have had very little time to write... and then the stupid document uploader wouldn't let me upload for like two WEEKS… But seriously… I'm really sorry, many apologies coming your way. I hope you guys still remember this fic…**

**Oh by the way, just a note to talk about, this will be revealed later, but its kind of something to keep in mind, Brandon didn't die because of his ductus arteriosus, there were more complications building on that in his heart. I understand most ductus arteriosus' close up even without surgery (but his did not).**

**Phewf, well enjoy.**

I've always loved spending time with Addison. There have been so many nights in Bolivia where I've needed her, where I've imagined what she would say, and how she would comfort me. Now she's here, and I almost can't get my head around it.

We've already gone shopping and visited the space needle. A lot to do in such a short time. Unfortunately, Addie needs to be back at the hospital by six for an obligatory surgery and sadly I'm supposed to have an on call tutorial tonight, whatever that means.

Now I'm waiting at the hospital, looking for Bailey so that she can assign me something, as I have nothing to do. I look at the board and realize that she's in surgery, which pretty much sucks, so I mill around the hospital looking for familiar faces. I catch Derek in a patient's room.

He's at the bedside of an older woman who looks tired and ill. She's talking to him. I drift to the doorway.

"I met you last week." She's saying to him in a surprisingly harsh voice. "I met you last week. Why are you here in Seattle? Do you have business with Richard?"

Derek is speaking softly to her. "Last week, huh? When was last week? I've forgotten. I work here with Richard, Dr. Grey. That's why I'm here."

This is Meredith's mother. Meredith looks a lot like her, small, and dark blonde.

She looks _so_ sick. Sick people sometimes scare me. I have to admit that, despite being a doctor. They have families, these sick people, and they're just wasting away. Of course, I've been trained to ignore these facts.

Derek sees me at the door; he gives me a slight nod.

"You have such a nice home. I told you that I used to live on the East coast, didn't I? Last week?" She asks, unsure of herself.

"Dr. Grey, last week was actually four years ago."

"No. It was last week. I enjoyed that dinner. Your wife is also a surgeon, isn't she? God knows how she found the time to cook."

He allows a little smile. "No, actually, my wife didn't cook. She doesn't exactly know how. Too busy with surgeries as you've pointed out."

"Yes, well, I'm not a very good cook myself. Meredith knows that. She's gotten used to TV dinners, unfortunately. I told you last week that I had a daughter, Meredith? She's twenty-four now. I'm trying to get her into med school. She's already done pre-med. She's smart, but she doesn't have the drive. She needs the drive."

"Oh yes, I've heard about Meredith. She seems very bright." Derek says, pushing medicine intravenously.

"Yes, well. I remember your little boy. He was very bright for his age. He'll probably have a future in medicine. Are you considering that for him?" Dr. Grey looks Derek straight in the eye.

Derek doesn't flinch. "Well we've always said he can be whatever he wants to be, but, yes, it would be fantastic if he chose a career in medicine, but that, of course, is very, very far away."

"Oh not that 'be whatever he wants' crap. Please say you're sending him to private school. I sent Meredith to private school. The prep schools on the East coast are very disciplined. Meredith's grades got her into Dartmouth. You should send your son to private school."

"Oh yes, we're looking into private schools for Brandon to attend. We want the best for him." I realize that this is somewhat of a fantasy of Derek's. To pretend that Brandon is still alive. To talk about him as if he were still alive. He looks at me. I give him a blank stare back.

"I'm glad your wife still works, even with a child. I've always found it demeaning for a woman to stay home while the man works. It was the opposite with Thatcher and I. Thatcher's job was good for nothing. Thatcher was good for nothing." She pauses and shakes her head bitterly. "Thatcher was my husband."

"I know, Dr. Grey." He says.

"I'm tired. Did you inject Midazolam?"

"Yes, Dr. Grey, as a matter of fact I did."

"Oh. You know, I didn't need to be…" She trails off and starts to fall asleep. Derek turns to me.

"She doesn't know what year it is. She has absolutely no sense of time. She'll remember something from before and it'll be real to her, like it's happening in that very moment." He watches my face for reactions.

"So basically you have to pretend Brandon is alive?"

"Well, telling her what really happened wouldn't be good for her health. Really, it wouldn't. If it were, I would tell her in a heartbeat." He pauses, "I care about Meredith, so I care about her mother too."

"Did I say I was accusing you of anything?"

He rolls his eyes at me. "Well of course you didn't say it, but I could see it."

I pat his shoulder, "And is it hard? Talking about Brandon like that?"

"No. Surprisingly it isn't."

"Well, I guess it's easier to just talk about him as if he were alive, so you don't have to think about the fact that he's… Not. And when you talk about him like that, I think you're talking about how you wish things would've played out."

He smirks at me. "You know, Kathleen was right. You should've been a psychiatrist."

I hit his shoulder. "Shut up!"

"It's true. You belong upstairs at psyche." He says in a mocking tone.

"Whatever. How are all your sisters anyway?"

He leads me out of the room. "They're all great. Kathleen had another baby, did you know that?"

"Wow, this is her fifth kid, right? Dude… How's she doing? What's the baby's name?"

"Yeah five kids. She tells me they're all a handful, but she loves them, of course. The baby's name Joliet Maria, and she's two months old, and she's gorgeous; she's got Kathleen's eyes. Normally I would have a picture of her, but I'm afraid I don't have my wallet with me today." His eyes light up when he talks about Kathleen. She's one of his favorite sisters.

"Pretty French name. I assume she was named after one of Anton's relatives."

"Yes she is as a matter of fact." He pauses, "You are such a member of the Shepherd family, you know that?"

"Of course I know."

"They all miss you and Addison. Emily called me a few days ago, desperately asking for you. She says you didn't keep in touch as well as you promised." He chides. Oh my god, I miss Emily so much. She's definitely my favorite of the Shepherd sisters. The youngest, most carefree and roguish of the Shepherd family; we got along perfectly. Fittingly, she became a doctor who specializes in exotic and tropical disease. I wonder how many cool cases she gets with that job.

"Tell her I'm sorry. Will you give me her number?"

"Yeah. By the way I think my mother is coming up for a visit soon, and I'm sure Emily will be traveling with her."

"Oh, I'm so excited." I smile as we walk downstairs to the cafeteria. "How's your mother dealing with… The divorce?"

Derek sighs. "She… Is disappointed. She believes that I could've tried harder to keep our marriage."

"On Addie's side as usual." I laugh. "She loved Addison from the day they met."

"Yes. This is true, but she also loved you from the day you two met."

"_Addison, why do I have to be dragged along to meet your boyfriend's family?" I whined as we drove along the bushy highways to upstate New York. I hated upstate New York with a passion. In my opinion, there was absolutely nothing fun to do up there._

"_He's not just my boyfriend anymore. And you love him too; don't even try to deny it. You want him to be your brother-in-law."_

"_Wait, since when were we talking about marriage? You only started going out with him, since what five months ago?" I tapped my fingers on the edge of the dashboard._

"_More like ten months ago. That's almost a year, and yes, he's amazing enough to be thinking about marriage." _

"_Still, you never answered my question. Why do I have to meet his family? You've already met them, so it's not that big a deal. You don't need my support or anything."_

_Addison rolled her eyes. "They want to meet you, okay? I refuse to let the Shepherds meet any of my family members except you. Plus they already know a lot about you." She sighed, noticing my expression. "How will I win you over?"_

"_Three weeks of art classes. Be there or be… Greatly embarrassed in front of your boyfriend's family."_

"_You're on." _

"_So what are these Shepherds like? Please tell me Mark Sloan isn't going to be there today." _

"_The Shepherds are good people. Derek and I are thinking that you and his youngest sister, Emily will really click. Oh, and Mark may be there. You know he's practically a second son to Marianne." _

_The house was a nice size, but I shuddered to think how it sheltered five children. Derek must've had to share his room with at least one other girl, if not two. We stood by the dark green door and rang the doorbell. Derek opened the door, with his mother standing right behind him. Derek gave us an adorable smile, and hugged Addie. Marianne, Derek's mother was tall and thin. She had very dark hair and bright hazel eyes. Her face looked tired, but joyful. "Addison!" Marianne exclaimed with a smile on her face. "Oh, it's so nice to see you again!" She turned to me. "And I assume you're Rachelle? We've heard so much about you."_

_I shook her hand, which was leathery and delicate at the same time. "It's very nice to meet you too."_

_An hour later, I desperately wanted to be part of the Shepherd family._

"_No, no! You really should've seen him, every morning he used to yell for Kathleen to 'flip him out of bed'. Kathleen would stand there and try to pull him out of his crib, but eventually they just would flip over, and Derek would fall on top of Kathleen." Marianne recalled, laughing. "He would only let Kathleen do it though, once Nancy tried, and god, I remember the screaming that ensued."_

"_Mother!" Derek whined, laughing in spite of himself._

_All four of Derek's sisters were amazing (and weirdly all doctors, don't ask me how that happens). I was sitting on the couch next to Emily, who was just a year older than me. Emily's black hair was dyed purple, and she had just begun her pre-med program._

"_I don't know how Emily expects to get anywhere in med school with that hair-do." Derek's sister Julia said, picking up a piece of her little sister's hair and twirling it through her fingers._

"_Hey, just because you're a prude…" Emily started. She turned to me, "Julia just has never had the pleasure of dying her hair. If she wasn't so close-minded, she might actually find it exciting."_

"_Shut-up, Em."_

_Addison and I just sat next to eachother, a little bewildered, but still enjoying ourselves. This was a different kind of family than we were used to. Nancy looked at us with a little smirk on her face, "So are you and Der planning to get married anytime soon?"_

"_Nance!" Derek protested._

_Nancy laughed, "Come on, Der, get on top of the game before someone else snaps her up."_

_It was easy to see that Marianne and Addison clicked. They bonded over shoes and embarrassing Derek stories. When I talked to Marianne, she always seemed so proud that her son had found "the perfect woman". She wanted both of us to be a part of the family. She told me so in private at the end of the night._

_We were sitting alone in the kitchen, while everyone else was in the living room, listening to Kathleen's little daughter play the piano. _

"_It was so nice to have you over tonight," Marianne started, focusing her attention on washing a chipped dish._

"_Thanks for inviting me. I really had fun."_

_Marianne looked skeptical, "Be honest with me," She said laughing, "Did you really? You must've been not too pleased about missing a Friday night out with your friends. Don't blame it on Addison though, blame it on me, I insisted you come over."_

"_I really like this. Don't worry, I wouldn't lie to you."_

"_You don't seem like the type who would." She said, jovially. _

"_Your family is amazing." I said, grabbing a rag and helping her clean, much to her dismay, of course. "I've just… never seen anything like it."_

_She smiles in spite of herself, "Well, it can be hectic sometimes. It's been hard, but you know, there's so much love that it ends up working out. When Derek's father died, I had no idea what I would do, you know? But it was the girls and Derek who brought me through it, and I was so glad not to be alone. You can really tell I like having a large family, huh?"_

_I was often surprised about how open she was about things, "Yeah. I've always wished I had a big family. My family is somewhat distant, but Addie doesn't really like to spread that fact around." _

"_You know, you two are always welcome in our family. You are such sweet girls, and if you ever need anything, really, just call me or one of the girls up. We'd love to have you."_

_I put the dish I was working on down in the sink and faced her, "Thanks so much.."_

_Mark entered the kitchen with a beer and a dirty plate. He tossed the beer into the trashcan. "Hey Marianne." He said, affectionately._

"_Mark come here, I was just telling Rachelle how she's welcome to our family. Don't you think she'd be a good addition?" She asked, resting her arm on his shoulder. It was amazing how like mother and son they were._

"_Mmm. Both of them would be." He said, winking at me._

_That night Addison and I left with a warm feeling in our stomachs._

"I miss you guys."

He looks wistful. "Yeah. Me too."

"Do they ever visit?"

"Well, Nancy has so far. But you know, she says she hates Seattle. I didn't really get that much time with her anyways, because she was here for one day, and then she had to fly to Los Angeles the next day for some kind of consult." He pauses and sighs, "And then me and Addie weren't exactly in the best of places, the divorce having just come through, and you know, naturally Nancy was more interested in talking to Addie and Mark than she was her dear old brother."

"Well—

I begin, but am interrupted by a knock at the open door.

Karev enters looking slightly bored and annoyed. "I'm on call tonight. Bailey wanted me to ask you if there was anything you needed from me."

"Just look after Dr. Grey."

"Which one?" Karev asks with a crooked smile.

I can tell Derek is trying hard not to roll his eyes at his inferior. "Senior. After all, junior isn't on-call tonight."

Karev tilts his head and sort of chuckles, "So you'll be with junior tonight. Cool."

"Karev." Derek warns.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll take care of Grey. Speaking of being on-call tonight…"He turns to me, "I heard you were… And I'm supposedly supposed to take care of you and teach you how to successfully do boring things in a hospital all night without falling asleep. You game?"

It's annoying. How many interns does it take to educate me anyway? Actually, the proper word for this kind of teaching style would probably be 'baby sit'. "I guess I have to be game, don't I?"

"Guess so," Karev says, giving me another one of those crooked, off-centered smirks.

**Um so, hope you enjoyed, REALLY I'll be better at updating next time, I promise. BTW, I don't have much time, but I'd like to note that lovelyaddi89 has a really cool challenge available, so check it out, its in her story, and I'll probably advertise it more when I have more time, as in, next update. Peace.**


	15. Part 15

**This chapter is intense! Yay for actual action!**

I never thought being a surgeon could be this boring. The paperwork sucks ass. I've organized countless charts and patient status agreements. Admitted to the hospital, released from the hospital. Hundreds and hundreds of forms. Yeah, I've done paperwork before, but it was never nearly this bad. Karev has kind of abandoned me somewhere in the hospital, and I am so freaking tired, about to fall asleep.

Really. About to fall asleep.

After an hour, I finish the paperwork I was assigned. Karev is nowhere to be found. So much for having someone to talk to. I decide to go check on Ellis Grey, although Karev was technically assigned to her. It's only eleven at night. I have about seven hours until regular rounds. How do people live like this? Sure I pulled some all nighters at the clinic, but they were lively and interesting, or emergencies. This, this is nothing.

I wander down the slightly glowing hallways to Ellis's room. The light outside the windows is pitch black and it makes the hospital look extra white. I open her door quietly so that Ellis isn't disturbed.

I peak in, but to my surprise, Ellis is already awake. Derek didn't give her a very strong dose of Midazolam. I step in the room and notice Meredith leaning by the window. She isn't talking to her mother or even looking at her.

"Hi." She says, without turning around.

"Hi, Meredith." I say, stepping away from the room.

"It's okay, you can stay in here." She faces me. "You're on-call tonight?" She asks, with a little smile.

"Yes." I say.

Ellis looks at me, "Did you finish all your charts?" She asks sternly.

"Yes, of course I did." I say.

Ellis leans back into her pillow. "Good." She yawns, "Keep yourself awake."

Meredith sighs from her seat in the corner of the room. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I ask.

"This." She lowers her voice, "My mother."

"It's fine. Nothing's wrong." I say, and sit down in another chair, nearer to Ellis's bed.

"Yeah." She says. She looks at me with her huge eyes and whispers, "I'm sorry I was so drunk last night."

"It's okay." I say. "Everyone needs to get like that once in awhile."

"I guess so. I've just been doing it a little more than once in awhile lately."

"Mmm. Well, whatever." I say awkwardly.

Silence ensues for a period of time. Meredith breaks it. "So can I ask you a question?" She asks, with a quizzical look on her face.

"Sure, though I probably won't be able to answer it."

She looks at me, "Who's Brandon?"

I cough. What the _hell_? "Who?"

"You don't know. I thought you would know. Maybe I'm just being stupid. I mean; I don't usually listen to…" She lowers her voice again, but Ellis is so obviously out of it that she couldn't hear her even if Meredith were screaming, "my mother, but she knows weird things. Right now, right now she thinks I'm twenty-four, which I guess is lucky, seeing as she doesn't think I'm six. But she apparently saw Derek and I kissing out in the hall, and she just… Well it was weird. She knew things." She laughs a little bit as if it's all ridiculous. "She warned me not to have an affair with a married man because it 'she knew from experience that it never turns out well'. I really wanted to hear that. She also told me that Derek's wife was a beautiful woman who was a brilliant surgeon and that I shouldn't ever try to piss her off. Then she said something about having affairs with people who have kids, and how that's even worse. And then she said something about Derek and Addison's little boy, Brandon." Oh _shit. _"How did she know all that stuff about Derek's past? And does Brandon actually exist? Is this another thing I should be worried about?"

I don't know how to respond to any of this. "I don't know."

She looks at me almost as if she can't believe me. "You don't know?" She closes her eyes tightly and then opens them. "I was supposed to see Derek tonight, but I didn't go. He's been calling me all night."

"Oh."

"Please tell me the truth, Rachelle."

"I," I close my eyes and try to blend in with the wallpapered background. "Can't."

"So there is a kid? Derek had a kid?" I can tell that she's gone straight to freak out mode.

"I can't. Tell you."

"Why the hell not? I thought, god damnit, I thought he was being honest with me. After Addison he promised to be honest with me." She takes out her cell phone.

"What are you doing?" I ask a little too loudly.

"Calling Derek." She holds down a button and her phone beeps in response.

"That could interfere with the equipment." I say, as tactfully as I can, but it's too late, he's already picked up the phone.

"Derek, who's Brandon?" She snaps right into the earpiece. I can tell that there's silence on the other end. "Who told me? Who told me?" She asks, over and over. "Derek, you had a _kid_ and didn't tell me?!"

"Meredith, take it easy on him! It's not what you think." I say trying to calmly handle the situation.

"Meredith who are you calling?" Ellis asks.

She turns to me; "I'm not going to take it easy on him!" She turns back to the phone, "Derek, answer me! Yes. That is Rachelle in the background."

I'm _fucked_. "Oh my god, it's not like that!"

"What the hell are you yelling about?" Ellis asks, trying to get up (and also unfortunately trying to remove her IV).

I move in to try to restrain her, "Dr. Grey, please try to calm down."

"I won't!" Both Grey's say at once. Meredith is in tears, "No, Rachelle did not tell me. No, my mother did. No, Derek. Fuck you."

"Meredith! For fucking sake! Brandon died four years ago!" I yell, probably louder than I should in a hospital at night.

"Tell me what's going on!" Ellis screams.

Everything seems to go quiet at once. "What?" Meredith asks softly. Then her mother's breathing starts to get very fast and her heart rate becomes abnormally fast.

"Shit. Shit. Shit! Inject two milliliters diazepam!" I yell to Meredith.

"Panic attack?" She pushes the medication.

"What's going on?" Ellis yells, "Would any of you people t-tell me what's going on?"

"The palpitations are decreasing." I let out a sigh of relief, my own heart pounding. "Slowly, but they're decreasing."

"Meredith?" I can hear Derek's voice coming out of the ear piece from her cell phone, which she had dropped two seconds earlier. Meredith shakily picks up the phone and studies at the earpiece, not quite sure what to do.

I go over to Ellis's side, "Dr. Grey, are you alright?"

"What's going on? Tell me!" She says taking very shallow breaths.

"You don't want to get too excited," I tell her, trying to be calm. "You just had a panic attack."

"Panic attack!? That's impossible. I don't panic. Now tell me what's going on." She gives me such a look of hatred that I have to step back. Then her features soften, "I'm feeling dizzy."

"It's alright now, Dr. Grey."

"No it's not. Did you tell my daughter that the little boy I saw last week is dead?"

"Uh,"

"He's not dead. I saw him last week. How can he be dead?" She demands.

Meredith steps in, snapping her phone shut on a waiting Derek. "Mom. When you saw that boy… That was a long time ago."

"That's impossible. I just had a talk with his father about sending him to private school. I told Dr. Shepherd that he should send the boy to prep school like I did with you."

"You told Derek that?" She looks slightly pained.

"You don't know Dr. Shepherd." Ellis says, speaking as if it pains her to. She looks at me, "Please, get out of my room."

I back away slowly, looking at Meredith to see if it's okay. Meredith just nods ahead blankly. I walk out into the hall where Karev is running. "Dude, I heard yelling. What happened?"

"Nothing." I say. I need to tell Addison.

"Come _on_, Montgomery. Something must've happened." He gives me a playful little punch.

"Meredith's mother had a panic attack. Where were you?" I say, staring at the wall.

"Checking on vomit-guy. Dude, are you okay?"

"Fine."

"You look a little green."

"I'm _fine_," I say, giving him a death stare.

"Oookay." He says. I can't tell if he's scared or amused.

My cellphone rings some time later. It's midnight. Meredith still has not come out of her mother's room. I look at the window in my phone. _Derek's Cell_. I don't pick up. More time passes. I stay leaning on the wall opposite Dr. Grey's room. Meredith finally comes out. She looks like she's in a shock.

"Hey." I tell her quietly.

"How? How? Why?" She says, sitting down next to me on the floor.

"It's a long story," I look at her. She stares down at the ground.

"You have to tell me." She whispers shakily.

"I know… But Addison. Derek. This isn't my business."

"It sucks." She says, in a raspy voice.

"Yeah. It does."

"How old was he?"

"One and a half." I say, feeling the lump creep back into my throat. "He'd be five as of about two nights ago."

"It was his birthday? That's what the cake in Derek's room was for?" She asks, still staring at the ground.

"Yeah. That's what the cake was for."

"Things make sense now." She says, finally looking at me straight in the eye.

"Do they?"

"Derek had a son. _Derek_ had a son." She sighs it loudly. "He was a good father?"

_"Okay, Brand, come right here." Derek held out his arms to a pudgy Brandon, who was looking at his father quizzically. "Right into my arms."_

"_Are you sure he's crawled before?" I asked Derek, plopping down at the floor next to Brandon, who thrusted himself onto my lap and busied himself with my dangling earrings._

"_Yes, he has, and I really want him to do it for Addie." Derek smiled at his son, making funny faces at him. He held out his hands once more. "Come on, sport, you can do it, you know you can."_

_Brandon looked up at me as if to ask 'Is this safe?' I nodded and giggled. "Come on, man, show your daddy up!" _

_He gave me a pouty little look, and then turned to his father for reassurance. He rested his weight on his hands and knees and began to crawl slowly, but surely. Derek gave him a smile that would melt any heart, and although Brandon was shaky, he successfully made it into his father's arms. "Hey buddy. You did it, bud." I watched Derek who was sitting a few feet away, squeezing his son to his chest. Tears are welling in his eyes. "You made it. I'm so proud of you."_

_Brandon looked up at his father with such adoration in his eyes, clapping his hands and smiling. Addison stood by the door, still in her scrubs. "My two boys. So smart and amazing." She said, and plopped down on the floor with the rest of her family. _

"Yeah. He was the best." I look down at the ground, feeling that familiar lump in my throat.

Meredith has her head buried in her hands. "It was really hard for _her_ too, wasn't it?"

"Oh god yeah. She… She was depressed for months afterwards. Would hardly get out of bed some days." I say, regretting it the minute it comes out of my mouth.

"I can't imagine her ever being like that." She says, "It must have been a nightmare."

"It was. They didn't deserve it."

"God." Meredith mutters. "I am so sorry. I should've let things be."

"What?"

"I never knew Derek was damaged goods. I never knew Derek was married. I never knew Derek had kids. I think I just attract these kinds of cases. God. A kid. After Addison came I should've just stopped." She turns to me, "Were there any others? Kids I mean."

"No. Derek wanted more after Brandon, but Addison couldn't bring herself to. I mean, I don't think anyone would be ready to have another kid in that situation. She didn't want to just forget Brandon, you know? I think it was something they fought over a lot. You know, Derek is the denying type, while Addison usually likes to face the truth. Usually."

"Derek _is_ the denying type. He should've never pushed her though." She looks at me long and hard.

I look at my watch. "I better go." I say. "I've got to finish organizing the charts." She nods at me, and I feel the tension ease as I get up. "Talk to Derek."

"Okay." She says, in a daze. "I better go home."

"Bye."

"Bye."


	16. Part 16

**Ok, so I've been getting a lot of requests to update this story, which I really appreciate. Unfortunately, it is extraordinarily hard for me to update this story, because I am in the most crucial year of my highschool career (therefore have the most work) and Grey's Anatomy is not my favorite show anymore. Still, I do like this story a lot, so I'm not going to abandon it. What you'll probably find is shorter, more sporadic posts (unless I'm really in the mood to write some juicy fanfic). Of course, more reviews make this whole updating process a little faster ;-)**

**Here's a tidbit for you all: **

There isn't much to do after that except stare blankly at whatever I'm supposed to be finishing. I almost fall asleep on the chart I'm doing. Actually, I do fall asleep on the chart, but wake up when I feel someone sit on the bench next to me.

"Sorry," He says when he notices I'm awake.

"It's okay, I'm supposed to be up anyways."

He's silent for a while, stares straight ahead and then talks. "I know something happened with Dr. Grey."

"I'd rather not talk about it." I say back.

"Okay." He says.

"Alex?" I ask.

"Yeah?"

"Why do things have to be so bad sometimes?"

He looks at me with a little half smile and scoots closer to me, "So you know how it feels when things are good."

"I wish I looked at it that way," I admit.

He chuckles a little bit, "I wish I did too."

"What the heck is going on here?" Bailey yells in my dreams. She's kind of blurry and funny looking. I open my eyes, and there's Bailey still all blurry and funny looking. Crap. There behind her are a bunch of confused people, namely Izzie, Meredith, and Cristina. They have the strangest looks on their faces— kind of introspective. I feel someone bump my head, and I get up with a start. There's Alex looking kind of confused. The thing is, Alex is below me. Right below me. Strange. "I don't want my interns falling asleep on duty, and I sure as hell don't want them doing it on eachother!" Bailey huffs.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" I say, springing up, as my head spins a little.

"Shit," Alex mumbles, as if we've just woken up from a drunken one-night stand, which, thankfully we haven't.

"Well its lucky for you there were no emergencies while you were asleep." Bailey gets right up in my face, or rather, right in my chest, as she's so short. "I don't want it to happen again, you hear me?"

"Yes. I'm really sorry Dr. Bailey."

"Alright, don't just stand there people, lets get to work!"

Work is checking on a variety of patients. So many that I can't put the faces to names anymore, they're all blurred in my mind. I'm finally released from that duty, and left to be assigned to someone. Bailey, as usual is hard at work in an OR. I'm left at the nurses' station checking on charts again when Derek walks in, his hair disheveled and hanging at a slightly wrong angle. This means something is off, because Derek goes through great pains to keep his hair at a level of perfection.

"Derek!" I say loudly, earning a bunch of stares from the nurses.

Derek looks at me, and then looks down at the floor. He seems really unnerved. "Rachelle. I… Uh, can't talk now. I'll see you later okay?" And then he walks slowly away.

"Wait Derek!" I try and catch up to his quick paced walk.

He whips around, "What Rachelle?"

I can't look him in the eye. "I'm sorry she found out."

He slows down a little bit and places his hand on my shoulder. "It wasn't your fault. I heard the whole story. And, I'm… She would have found out one-way or another, I'm surprised I kept it a secret for this long." He hangs his head low and tries to find my eyes, friendly eyes turned sorrowful. "But Rachelle…?"

"Yes."

"I can't do this right now because there is just too much going on in my life at the moment. I cannot talk about it right now. You understand." He begins to walk faster and turns his head, only half waiting for my answer.

"Take all the time and space you want." I say, and watch him leave.

Bailey corners me, almost running into Derek as she walks away. "Rachelle." She says, her voice soft and hard at the same time.

I am literally close to tears at the moment. "Yes, Dr. Bailey?"

"Come with me." She nods at me, and then she doesn't give me any time to answer her, because she's dragging me across the hospital floor. We arrive in front of the chief's office, and without even knocking at his door, Bailey storms in. My heart feels a bit heavy and I wonder if this is my last day at Seattle Grace for whatever reason. What I see leaves me standing at the door, frozen in my place. Bailey watches me, not with a critical stare like usual, but this time more observant.

Addison is crumpled on the chief's couch, crying and yelling. The chief is holding her shoulders, trying his best to console her. "I have to quit, Richard. I have to quit right now!"

The chief looks back and forth at Addison and then me with a pained expression on his face. "Addie you can't quit. You signed a contract."

"No. No, God, I have to."

"I'm sorry Addison. You are the best obstetrician we've had in years. And not only are you the best, but you're also my friend. I can't just let you leave at the drop of a hat. Tell me, Addie what's eating you up and then we'll talk." The chief looks at me for help. Bailey stands in the door next to me, almost refusing to move.

Two mental emergencies in the course of twenty-four hours, my life has turned into some fucked up version of General Hospital. I slowly and carefully walk up to her and kneel take her in my arms. "Addison."

She pushes me away. "I'm completely mentally stable right now, Rachelle. I don't need your help or whatever you think you can do. I just told Richard that I'm done here."

"I'm not trying to be condescending here, Addison. I just want to know why you're doing this right now… I mean I just started working here and you want to leave?" I say, a little embarrassed at having been pushed away by my own sister.

She looks at me with that pained expression she always seems to hold in her eyes, except now it has spread to all parts of her face. "This is not the kind of environment I want to work in. First Derek, then Mark, and now… Now Meredith knows?!" She stands up, wiping the tears out of her eyes, almost challenging me with her height.

I look at Bailey and then at the chief and then back at my sister. She has a point. I clear my throat. Bailey looks pained, but she isn't leaving. I guess she considers Addison to be her close friend, or she wouldn't be here. But she doesn't know about Brandon… I don't know if it's okay for one more person to know. "Please Addie. I know it's tough." I start.

She interrupts with a scathing look. "Tough!? Tough? Everyone in this whole damn hospital knows about my business with Mark and my ruined marriage with Derek! It doesn't help things any… It doesn't help my work now that everyone is going to know about my son!"

I look at Bailey whose entire expression has changed to that of shock. The room seems to shake with Addison's emotion. "I told Meredith not to tell anyone." I say quietly.

"Addison." Bailey says softly. She moves inches closer. The chief looks highly uncomfortable and keeps shifting his eyes to the door as if he wants to leave any moment now.

"Miranda." Addison takes a breath. "The reason I called you here, in addition to my sister is because I know you care about me and I know you'd understand."

"Yeah?" Bailey asks with a look of some intense emotion crossing her face.

"You know when everyone found out that you had a son, and then they judged you for it? All you wanted to do was protect your son, have him at your home, separate from your work so he could be away from all of this. You don't want him to grow up to be that kid that solely knows his mom as the surgeon." Addison sits on the couch again, and crosses her legs. Her black tights stretch and move against her ligaments and her feet tap nervously within her Jimmy Choos.

"Yes. But… You have a son?" Bailey's brown eyes squint, trying to understand.

Addison looks at me. "It's a little different."

She wants me to say something. I don't turn towards Bailey, but stay directly facing Addison. "You know the picture of that boy in Derek's office?"

"That's him." Bailey whispers.

I look at Addison and she nods at me. "Dr. Bailey, my nephew, Brandon… He passed away five years ago."

Bailey's face finally breaks down. "Oh, no. No. No, no, no."

Addison smiles a bitter little smile, her frown lines deepening in her face. "Yes, Miranda. Now you know why I can't work here anymore."


End file.
